Friday, April 26, 2013

1.        Shanghai-based Spring Airlines is having its female flight attendants dress up as sexy maids.   ***   I believe that idea was the brainchild of the company’s newest investor, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2.        Former President George W. Bush says that painting has changed his life, and he is especially proud of his painting of himself in a bathtub.   ***  I guess that’s appropriate for a guy who spent so much time in hot water.

3.        New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to raise the minimum age for buying cigarettes.  ***  Under his new proposal, buyers would have to show a social security check stub, Medicare documents or an AARP membership card.

4.        The First Lutheran Church in Oklahoma City dug up and opened a time capsule that had been buried 100 years ago.  It contained a pair of women’s shoes, a camera...  *** ...and Larry King’s birth certificate.

5.        In a phone call to the Today show, Jenna Bush Hagar, the daughter of former President George Bush, said that in the middle of her baby shower her “water broke.”   ***  How embarrassing is that! ... Oh, I thought she said her “father spoke.”

6.        Playboy model Kendra Wilkinson was taken to a Los Angeles hospital after being involved in car accident, but was released later that day after the examining doctors could find no serious injuries.   ***   But it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.  (“Hey, I think she broke a fingernail;  let’s keep her overnight for observation.”)

7.        Because most people in Iceland are descendants of common ancestors there’s a big risk of inbreeding, so some college kids there created a new app. Two people hooking up can bump cell phones and if they’re too closely related an “incest prevention alarm” goes off.   ***   I believe there’s a similar in app in West Virginia, but instead of an incest alarm it starts playing wedding bells.

8.        Lance Armstrong just bought a 12,000 square foot house in Texas.   ***  Actually, it was just a cottage, but then he put it on steroids.

9.        In Denver, two people suffered non-life-threatening gunshot wounds at a “420” pro-marijuana rally.   ***   In keeping with the spirit of the event, the 9-1-1 operator responded to the emergency call with “What-ever.”

10.      Reese Witherspoon spent a few hours in an Atlanta jail because she became unruly while her husband was being arrested for DUI.   ***   Stay tuned for her next movie, “Sweet Home in the Slammer.”

Friday, April 19, 2013

1.        North Korea has threatened “sledge hammer blows” against South Korea if they don’t apologize for organizing anti-North protests.   ***   Kim Jong Un added that in order to avoid complete annihilation the South must also click “Like” on his Facebook page.

2.        North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is a big fan of the Walt Disney characters and as young child he reportedly went to the Disneyland in Tokyo.   ***   Great.  Let’s get him a big sign that says, “Must be THIS tall to start a nuclear war.”

3.        The Senate defeated a bill that would have increased background checks for gun buyers.  ***  The senators said it’s a slippery slope; if you require more background checks for gun buyers, before you know it people will start demanding background checks for politicians.

4.        American Airlines cancelled over 700 flights on Tuesday because of a computer outage.  ***  Afterwards, management once again warned employees that they cannot all play Angry Birds at the same time.

5.        In a national park in South Africa, an elephant overturned a small car carrying two tourists.  ***  Then he bragged about it in a post on the social web site Trunkbook.

6.        At a computer security conference in Amsterdam, a security expert demonstrated how he could develop an app to hijack an airplane.   ***  Big deal.  Let me know when he comes up with an app that gets him free drinks in coach.

7.        Carnival Cruise Lines says it plans to spend $300 million to upgrade its ships in the aftermath of problems such as overflowing toilets.   ***   The biggest improvement:  Room deodorizers in every cabin.

8.        The ex-wife of Mark Sanford accused the former South Carolina governor of trespassing on her property.  ***  She probably bought a house that was a bit too close to the Appalachian Trail.

9.        Mark Zuckerburg says it’s OK to ignore your dinner guests while you check your smart phone.   ***   You know, like if you want to look up the word “etiquette.”

10.      Florida is being invaded by giant snails. 

***  They’re slow, they’re slimy and they have a really hard shell.  Oh, wait a minute...that’s Congress.

***   Of course, they move very slowly.  In fact, this invasion started in 1893.

 ***  They’re not very fast, but they are having a lot of fun chasing Florida retirees down the sidewalk.

Friday, April 12, 2013

1.        According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, people are voluntarily quitting their jobs at the highest rate in five years.   ***  In fact, the trend is so strong that millions of unemployed people are now hoping to find work so they can quit, too.

 

2.        According to a survey by Harris Interactive, 83% of American workers are stressed out at work.   ***   Now the Obama Administration is trying to take credit for giving so many Americans a stress-free life of unemployment.

 

3.        Researchers at the University of Missouri have traced laziness to a certain gene and say that it is hereditary.   ***  And you’ll know you’ve inherited that gene if every evening you fight your dad for the couch. 

 

4.        A study by the Erie Insurance Group has concluded that daydreaming while driving is five times more dangerous than texting.   ***  And the most dangerous habit of all?  Daydreaming about texting.

 

5.        Scientists say that people living in states along the East coast should be prepared for billions of cicadas which will be emerging this spring after spending the first 17 years of life underground and out of sight.  ***  In other words, the way we’d like to see teenagers.

 

6.        According to a study published in “Current Biology,”  the gurgling and lip smacking noises made by baboons may shed light on the origins of human speech.   ***  Or at least explain the behavior of men in bars.

 

7.        President Obama phoned California Attorney General Kamala Harris and apologized for saying she was “the best looking attorney general.”  ***  And, he reluctantly cancelled plans for the “First Annual Attorney General Wet T-Shirt Contest” on the White House lawn.

 

8.        Captain Kirk’s “phaser” from the TV show “Star Trek” has just sold at auction for $231,000.   ***  It got such a high price because it’s so unique.  It’s the only weapon not covered under Joe Biden’s proposed gun law.

 

9.        Thieves in Maine have been stealing sap from maple trees.   ***  The police have not yet made any arrests, but they believe the getaway driver was a “Mrs. Butterworth.”

 

10.      According to a study published in the journal “Arteriosclerosis, Thrombosis and Vascular Biology,” walking and running are equally good for your health.   ***  Unless a bear is chasing you.  Then, running is better.

Friday, April 5, 2013

·         General Motors is recalling some Buick Encores because the steering wheel can fall off.   ***  Of course, that’s a huge problem because it makes it even harder to text and drive.

·         Egyptian authorities arrested a popular comedian for criticizing their president and they warned the U.S. to not get involved in the issue.   ***  Apparently some NBC executives had suggested a prisoner exchange involving Jay Leno.

·         Lindsay Lohan played an April Fool’s Day joke by tweeting that she was pregnant.   ***  This shocked a lot of her close friends, who immediately signed the kid up for therapy.

·         The White House has announced that the President’s 2014 budget will finally be released on April 10^th.  Usually the next year’s budget is released in February.  ***  But, President Obama wanted to cross his fingers and wait for a couple more Powerball drawings. 

·         In an interview with George Stephanopoulos, Cardinal Timothy Dolan said the Catholic Church is sometimes out of touch with its followers.  ***  Actually, that’s a good thing.  It’s the touching that usually gets the Church in trouble.

·         Students taking out new loans will find interest rates doubling on July 1^st.  ***  Actually, it won’t really have much affect on them.  It just means that after graduation they’ll default on a larger amount.

·         President Obama is taking a lot of heat for allowing Michelle and their two daughters to take a spring break vacation in the Bahamas during the budget crisis.   ***  That’s OK.  I’m sure he’ll feel a lot better once he finds out they paid for the trip by appearing in a “Girls Gone Wild” video.

·         Due to poor financial management many years ago, Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy.   ***  Sadly, now she doesn’t even care where San Jose is because she can’t afford to go there.

·         The White House has received a petition that would require members of Congress to follow the lead of NASCAR drivers and wear the logos of their financial backers.    ***    Actually, it would be a little different.  In the case of NASCAR drivers, the people behind the logos are sponsors.  In the case of Congressmen, they’re owners.

·         Medical researchers have found that cold sores, like those caused by Chlamydia and herpes, can cause a loss of memory.  ***  I think we already knew that.  Every time someone asks their partner where they picked up the cold sore, the answer always is, “I can’t remember.”