Friday, Oct 25, 2013

1.        Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are engaged.  ***  And they want to have the wedding real soon so the engagement won’t be longer than the marriage.

2.        In a recent poll, 86% of Americans said they do not approve of the job that Congress is doing.  ***  Obviously the other 14% didn’t understand the question.

3.        A woman fainted during President Obama’s Rose Garden speech on Affordable Health Care.  ***  Well, they call it “fainting.”  I call it “sticker shock.”

4.        Speaking in the White House Rose Garden, President Obama said that there was a “massive demand” for his Affordable Health Care program, based on 20 million people visiting the web site.   ***   Hey, millions of people have visited Alcatraz; that doesn’t mean they want to move in.

5.        Three Americans have won the Nobel Prize in Economics.   ***   Which is like giving the Nobel Peace Prize to the Somali pirates.

6.        Appearing on the TV talk show “This Week,” Nancy Pelosi said that the glitches in the rollout of Obamacare were “unacceptable.”  ***  She was referring to the fact that the system wouldn’t let her register for Botox treatments.

7.        Four Somali pirates have been sentenced to 7 years in prison in Kenya.   ***  That might not seem like much, but every evening they’ll be required to watch the movie “Captain Phillips.”

8.        Both of the two top candidates for mayor of New York City are in favor of banning horse-drawn carriages.   ***  So, just like everywhere else in the U.S., people wishing to be taken for a ride will need to contact their Congressman.

9.        According to a Pew Research Center study of people who tried on-line dating, 23 percent have entered into a long term relationship or gotten married.  ***  The other 77 percent were already married.

10.     The plans for Mitt Romney’s new house in Utah show a hidden room that is accessed through a swivel bookcase in the library.   *** 

Former President Clinton said:  “That’s a great idea.  When I build a new house I’m going to make sure the budget includes a hidden room off the library where I can have an affair.”

Former President Carter said:  “What’s an affair?”

Former President Bush said:    “What’s a library?”

President Obama said:  “What’s a budget?”

Friday, Oct 11, 2013

1.      The science fiction movie “Gravity” was tops at the box office last weekend, although it has been criticized for having several technical inaccuracies.  ***  For example, George Clooney was not followed into space by the paparazzi.

2.      A German bishop was forced to resign after it was found that his new residence was costing $42 million to build, six times the original estimate.   ***  He’s now hoping to relocate to the United States and get a job as a defense contractor.

3.      Eight members of Congress were arrested during a rally near the Capitol Building.   ***   OK, that’s 8 down, 527 to go.

4.      Eight members of Congress were arrested during a rally near the Capitol Building.   ***  They were charged with “crowding, obstructing and incommoding.”   ***   “Incommoding”?   I think that’s when you try to put the whole country in the toilet.

5.      They’ve just announced the winner of the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.  ***   It has been awarded posthumously to Walter White.

6.      In a TV interview rapper Fifty Cent revealed that his best friend is his grandmother.   ***  And Fifty Cent’s biggest enemy?  Inflation.  (It makes him feel worthless.)

7.      Congratulations to Professors James Rothman (at Yale), Randy Schekman (at the University of California) and Thomas Suedhof (at Sanford), who just won the Nobel Prize in Medicine. ***  They received the award for being the first people to figure out how to register for Obamacare.

8.      The Pentagon says it is recalling more than 300,000 civilian employees who were furloughed as part of the government shutdown. *** It also promised to pay for their therapy to deal with depression after having been called “non-essential.”

9.      Last Monday marked 100 years since Henry Ford set up the world’s first assembly line, which reduced assembly time from 12 1/2 hours to just 93 minutes.  ***   And Tuesday marked 100 years since the first automobile recall.

10.    NBC is coming out with a new reality show called “Space Race,” in which the winner will get a ride into outer space next year on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic.  An NBC representative said, “This will be a remarkable experience for anyone who has...dared to dream of space flight.”  ***  Or anyone who’s just sick and tired of what’s happening on earth.

Friday, Oct 4, 2013

2013-10-04

1.      In an interview with Vanity Fair, Mia Farrow says the biological father of her son Ronan might be Frank Sinatra, rather than Woody Allen as previously believed.  ***  She’s just trying to remember—on that fateful night, did the guy in bed with her sing or tell jokes.

2.      At a Senate committee hearing, the head of the NSA, General Keith Alexander, testified that his agency had once tested whether it could track the locations of Americans’ cell phones.   ***    How’s that for a Verizon commercial:  “Can you track me now?”

3.      We now have more information on Monday’s commuter train crash in Chicago.  Authorities say there was no one at the controls, so it was unstoppable, continuing down the tracks, endangering countless people, and then crashing and coming to a complete stop.  ***  Oh wait, that’s the update on the situation in Congress.

4.      The Supreme Court has just agreed to hear a copyright infringement case regarding the 1963 movie “Raging Bull.”   ***   Now, don’t get that confused with what’s happening in Congress, which is “political bull.”

5.      Apple has replaced Coca-Cola as the most valuable brand in the world.  ***  In fact, the Apple brand is so popular they’ve even named a fruit after it.

6.      According to a study by QSR magazine, fast food drive thru’s are 8 seconds slower than last year.  One reason is an increased emphasis on customer satisfaction by making sure the order is correct.  ***  Yeah, Americans really hate getting fat on the wrong food.

7.      Government employees furloughed by the shutdown at agencies like NASA were allowed to come into work for half a day to set up “out of office” e-mail replies and voice mail greetings.   ***   SPACECRAFT:  “Houston, we have a problem.”  NASA:  “This is Houston.  We can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message.”

8.      “The Butler” is no longer tops at the box office.  ***   Because of the government shutdown, the ending has been changed. Now the butler is declared “non-essential” and he leaves the White House after telling the president to “get your own damn coffee.”

9.      The Senate is proposing legislation that would limit the NSA’s ability to monitor phone calls.   ***   So, now when you phone someone you may get a message saying, “Hi. This is the NSA. We’re sorry, but we can’t record your call right now...”

10.    More than half of all British airline pilots recently surveyed say they have fallen asleep during flights.   ***  The scary part is that they usually woke up because the co-pilot was snoring.