Friday, Jan 23, 2015

1.        Peter Thiel, a co-founder of PayPal, is getting into the legal marijuana business.  *** I believe his company will be called PayDude.

2.        Two former WWE wrestlers are accusing their former employer of ignoring signs of brain damage.  ***   How could they miss it?  I mean, just one look at that audience…

3.        Justin Bieber says he’s thrilled that he’s going to be roasted on Comedy Central.  ***  I’ll bet he changes his mind when he sees the lighter fluid.

4.        Betty White’s “Hot in Cleveland” co-workers arranged a big choreographed flash mob last week to celebrate her 93^rd birthday.  ***  For most people at that age, a flash mob is when six people show up for bingo.

5.        According to a study published in the Journal “Neurology,” it usually takes two triggering mechanisms to initiate a migraine headache.  ***  You know, like a son AND a daughter.

6.        62 year old Jeff Goldblum and his 31 year old wife are expecting their first child.  ***  What a range in ages.  They won’t know whether to take their vacations in the kiddie park, Central Park or Jurassic Park

7.        Professional golfer Robert Allenby was assaulted and robbed after being eliminated in a tournament in Hawaii.  ***  The last pro golfer to be assaulted was Tiger Woods.  I believe the perp took half his assets.

8.        On his trip back from the Philippines, Pope Francis told reporters that just because the church frowns on contraception, that doesn’t mean Catholics have to breed “like rabbits.”  ***  But, he said it wouldn’t hurt them to hop to church a little more often.

9.        Pope Francis told mothers they could breastfeed during a Sistine Chapel service in which he baptized 33 babies.  *** Afterwards, he was terribly embarrassed when he suddenly realized that he had patted more than 40 little bald heads.

10.     A Florida police station was embarrassed at the error on its new custom-made rug which said “In Dog We Trust.”  ***  That slip-up may seem funny at first, but it was truly offensive and hurtful to cats everywhere.

Friday, Jan 16, 2015

1.        The FBI has arrested a 20-year-old Ohio man for plotting to attack the U.S. Capitol, but an agency spokesman said the public was not at risk.  ***  The only time Americans are in danger is when Congress is in session.

2.        In order to avoid toilet breaks, traffic officers in the Philippines will be required to wear adult diapers when the Pope visits.  ***  Actually, the Vatican just asked that the police force be “Depend-able.”

3.        At the Detroit Auto Show, Verizon announced its “Verizon Vehicle” program which will provide services similar to On-Star directly to consumers.   ***  The only drawback is that drivers will occasionally be startled by a voice yelling, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

4.        Federal agents in Chicago raided two body donation operations that also involved Detroit.  ***  Chicago was using the names of the deceased for the voting rolls, and Detroit was going to get the bodies to re-populate the city.

5.        The Secret Service has re-assigned four senior officials because of recent security lapses.  Also, it was revealed that when an intruder got into the White House last year agents had thought he would be stopped by bushes around the front entrance.  ***  Apparently the agents didn’t realize the Bushes moved out six years ago.

6.        Katy Perry says she cried all day after she found out she would be performing at the Super Bowl.  ***  And the Detroit Lions cried all day after they found out they wouldn’t.

7.        There’s a lot of Internet commentary about the latest McDonald’s commercial, which features photos of signs at many of its restaurants showing community support in times of celebration and tragedy.  ***   Everyone is amazed they could find that many signs with no spelling errors.

8.        A young man tried to smuggle 94 iPhones into China by taping them all over his body, but was apprehended when border guards noticed his “weird walking posture and joint stiffness.”  ***    You know, he could have gotten away with it if he was 70.

9.        North Korea is accusing the U.S. and South Korea of planning an invasion.  ***  U.S. officials said that’s ridiculous—If we had plans to invade North Korea, Sony would have made a movie about it.

10.     An Italian video journalist ran an experiment in which he asked boys 6 to 11 years old to hit a girl, and all the boys refused.  ***  Smart kids.  At that age, the girls can beat them up.

Friday, Jan 9, 2015

1.     House speaker John Boehner told reporters he hates it when critics call him “spineless.”  ***  He said he prefers “vertebrae-impaired.”

2.     Pope Francis has named 23 new Cardinals.  ***  Well, if he included a couple good pitchers that certainly ought to get St. Louis to the World Series.

3.     Nicholas Sparks, author of “The Notebook” and several other romance novels, announced that he and wife of 25 years are separating.  ***  In his press release he said he will “forever miss her warm and tender skin…her soft, inviting lips...her hot breath …”

4.     Two customers at a McDonald’s in Japan found pieces of plastic in their Chicken McNuggets.  ***  They realized it as soon as they bit into something with flavor.

5.     Season six of “Sister Wives,” the reality show about a man with three wives, premiered with a segment involving a marriage therapist.  *** I wonder if she charges triple.

6.     An 85 year old woman in Waco, Texas has been arrested for using hundreds of neighborhood cats to make fur coats.  ***  Law enforcement officials became suspicious when they noticed a sharp decline in the number of local cat videos on Facebook.

7.     Customs officials say that drug dealers are trying to smuggle Mexican meth into the United States by liquefying it and putting it in cars as washer fluid.  ***   Border guards have been instructed to stop all cars with happy bugs on the windshield.

8.     Kobe Bryant says that European basketball coaches are better than U.S. coaches at teaching young players the fundamentals of the game.  ***   Trash talk, publicity and bling.

9.     North Korea’s Internet went down for nine hours last month, likely due to retaliation by the U.S. for the Sony hack.  ***  The punishment wasn’t the loss of Internet service; it was the nine hours that Kim Jong Un had to spend on the phone with a help desk in India.

10.  The son of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel was robbed and beaten right in front of the family home.   ***   You know you’re living a life of privilege when the muggers come to you.