Friday, May 29, 2015

1.        McDonald’s hopes to reverse declining sales by offering improved products, including better buns.  ***  Actually, I think customers looking for better buns go to Hooters.

2.        Vladimir Putin claims the U.S. is bringing corruption charges against international soccer officials just because Russia was selected to host the 2018 World Cup.  ***   Putin pointed out that he never would have bribed anybody for the World Cup games because it would have been cheaper to send in the army and annex whichever country got it.

3.        Celebrity chef Bobby Flay’s wife has filed divorce papers which accuse him of cheating.  ***  She cited several instances where he and his mistress used substitute ingredients.

4.        In Detroit, carjacking is so bad even the city’s police chief says he wouldn’t stop at a gas station at night unless he had to.  ***  To cut down on the violence, the city is establishing authorized transfer points where drivers can safely hand their keys to a carjacker and then catch a taxi to get home.

5.        At 73 years old, Senator Bernie Sanders has just launched his presidential campaign.  ***   Well, not really a launch--at his age he just sort of nudged it out there with a shuffleboard stick.   

6.        In Brownwood, Texas, a teenager who was put into a medically-induced coma claims that he was visited by Jesus.  ***   Wow—that kid must have the Obamacare Gold Plan.  (With the Silver Plan you just see a former apostle, and with the Bronze Plan you just get the first available angel.)

7.        Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Will Smith was suspended for eight games after umpires found he had a mixture of rosin and sunscreen on his arm.  ***  Additionally, league officials are investigating accusations that he has been deflating baseballs.

8.        A new survey shows that President Obama’s popularity rating is up to 53%.   ***  But that’s just in the West Wing.

9.        As part of the fallout from the Benghazi investigation, the State Department has released the first batch of e-mails from Hilary Clinton’s personal account.   ***  That would be hilary@ i_know_nothing.com

10.     British researchers have found that depression, hallucinations and psychosis can be triggered by meditation.  ***   Think about that.

Friday, May 22, 2015

1.        Because of sluggish revenue growth in stores, Wal-Mart is planning to expand its on-line sales.  ***   Shoppers can register by going to Walmart.com and posting a selfie with flip-flops and a tank top.  

2.        Many municipalities are now building special playgrounds with low-impact equipment designed for seniors.  ***  Behavior is a bit more refined than at school playgrounds: There’s no yelling and screaming, and everyone takes turns being the bully.

3.        The motorcycle gang brawl at a restaurant in Waco, Texas that left 9 bikers dead apparently started with an argument over a parking spot.  ***    You know, if they had just parked in the remote lot and taken the courtesy shuttle bus into town… 

4.        A man with a beard and wearing a purple dress and carrying a brown purse robbed a Detroit Walgreen’s store at gunpoint this week.   ***  Of course, witnesses immediately knew the bearded robber was a man…because a woman would never match a brown purse with a purple dress.

5.        To make games more exciting, the NFL is moving ball placement for the extra-point kick to the 15 yard line, although there were alternate proposals suggested by some of the teams.  ***  For example, the New England Patriots wanted an additional point awarded if the kick is made with a deflated football.

6.        According to a study by EngageForSuccess.org, people with the most enthusiasm for going to work each day live in Montana, Mississippi and Louisiana.  ***  And, according to a second study, people with the most unhappy home life live in Montana, Mississippi and Louisiana.

7.        Indonesia’s top military commander is defending the practice of checking female applicants to make sure they are virgins, claiming that they make better soldiers.  ***   And for the elite killer corps, they only accept women in menopause.

8.        During his current visit to Australia, Prince Harry was videotaped wrangling a ten-foot long crocodile.  ***  Wow—we haven’t seen anything like that since his father mud wrestled Camilla.

9.        A group of Asian-Americans has filed a federal complaint, claiming that Harvard’s racial quotas are limiting the number of Asian-Americans being admitted.   ***   A Harvard spokesman denied the allegations, but added that they already have enough Asians to clinch the Ivy League Spelling Bee.

10.     Dairy Queen announced that in the interest of health it is removing soft drinks from its kids’ menu.  ***  However, company officials immediately reversed themselves after realizing that soft drinks are the healthiest thing they sell.

Friday, May 15, 2015

1.        Michigan State Senator Virgil Smith shot up his ex-wife’s Mercedes-Benz with a rifle and was subsequently arraigned on a felony firearms charge.  ***  That’s a real shock;  In Michigan, shooting a foreign-made car is usually just a misdemeanor.

2.        Johnny Depp tried to sneak his two dogs into Australia, but quarantine officials caught him and said that because of communicable disease concerns he’d have to ship them out or they’d have to be put down.   ***   As I recall, the same thing happened with Charlie Sheen and his girlfriends.

3.        The new Detroit-Windsor bridge will be named after hockey legend Gordie Howe.  ***  You know, after all the controversy regarding the need for the second bridge, instead of “Howe” it should have been named “Why?”

4.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill outlawing “coal rolling,” which is modifying diesel trucks so they can belch billowing clouds of black smoke at people with the flick of a switch.  ***  He said that tasteless showing off, obscuring everyone’s vision and leaving people feeling dirty is the job of politicians.

5.        TV health advocate Dr. Oz witnessed a car crash on the New Jersey Turnpike and treated the injured people until an ambulance arrived.  ***  Of course, the victims were extremely grateful…to the paramedics for saving them from an endless lecture on healthy eating, exercise programs, vitamin supplements, personal hygiene…

6.        Pope Francis says God will judge us on whether we took good care of the Earth.   ***  Wait a minute—that’s not in the Ten Commandments…You can’t just change the rules in the middle of the game.

7.        Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn announced their break-up and blamed it on “schedule difficulties,” but it was later revealed that Tiger told Lindsay that he had cheated on her.  ***  I remember when having a second girlfriend was called “two-timing”;  now apparently it’s just a “schedule difficulty.”

8.        At the zoo in Greenville, Wisconsin, someone stole a baby kangaroo from its mother’s pouch.  ***  Police are warning the public to be on the lookout for a really good pickpocket.

9.        “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards has checked into rehab for the fourth time.  ***  Eight more times and she’ll have completed the celebrity version of the 12-step program.

10.     New York City police arrested 13 people who were dealing cocaine out of a pizzeria.    ***  Authorities became suspicious when they noticed employees snorting the marinara sauce. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

 

         

1.        After 15 years of trying, a 49 year old doctor is finally giving up her quest to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  ***  However, she’ll continue to do her pom pom routines for Bronze Plan patients who can’t afford surgery.

2.        The Secret Service wants to put a second row of spikes on top of the White House fence to discourage intruders.  ***   Unfortunately, because of budget cuts they’ll just be adding two more “Beware of Dog” signs.  (And they still can’t afford the dog.)

3.        An Iranian cleric says that earthquakes are caused by women who dress revealingly and act promiscuously.   ***   Therefore, contestants in the Miss Iran beauty pageant will now be judged on the Richter scale.

4.        After hearing that 1,600 IRS employees had filed fraudulent tax returns or failed to file, Senator Orrin Hatch said that IRS workers should be held to the same standards as regular taxpayers…   ***  … instead of Congressional standards.

5.        Chrysler is offering free college tuition to all its dealership employees.  ***  Good luck finding a salesman during finals week.

6.        Companies such as Lively and Evermind are offering sensors and a monitoring service paired with a smart phone to help baby boomers keep track of elderly parents who are living independently.  ***  For example, if there’s an indication that a parent has fallen, the son or daughter knows to immediately send a get well card.

7.        McDonald’s has developed a new take-out bag with a bottom portion that serves as a tray when it is detached by pulling off a strip of paper around the bag.  ***  Additionally, that removable strip is marked in inches so you can measure your waistline after the meal.

8.        Dr. Ben Carson has announced his candidacy for president.  ***   Although he’d have a tough time dealing with Congress because, as a neurosurgeon, he usually works with brains.

9.        According to the American Academy of Dermatology, there are some types of rashes for which you should immediately head to the emergency room.  ***  And there are other types of rashes for which you should immediately start thinking up good excuses to tell your spouse.

10.     In Indianapolis, a policewoman helped a pizza delivery man who had a flat tire by driving him to deliver the pizzas.  ***   Of course, the cop didn’t use the lights or siren, which are only for emergencies—like delivering donuts.

 

 

 

Friday, May 1, 2015

1.        Thursday was National Honesty Day.  ***   In observance of the occasion, Congress was closed.

2.        The book, “Love Your Job – The New Rules for Career Happiness,” offers tips for people who want to start a new career after age 50.   ***   Tip #1:  Get really good at saying, “Hi, welcome to WalMart.”

3.        A Florida man who took the mind-altering drug flakka ran naked through a Fort Lauderdale neighborhood, tried to have sex with a tree and then told police he was the mythical god Thor.  ***  Hey, if you tried to have sex with a tree you’d be thor too.

4.        Some breweries in Oregon are planning to make beer from sewer water.  ***  Tip: Stay away from Oregon breweries with restrooms on the second floor.

5.        In Saudi Arabia, leadership positions such as foreign minister, crown prince and deputy crown prince have been re-shuffled among members of the royal family as the result of long term strategies, security considerations ***  and a really intense session of rock-paper-scissors.

6.        In a shocking speech, physicist Stephen Hawking said he expects the human race to die out during the next thousand years.  ***  Hey, if that’ll get rid of the Kardashians, I’m all for it.

7.        Pope Francis ordained 19 new priests last weekend and told them, “May your homilies not be boring.”  ***  He then reminded them that there are still a few openings in the Vatican’s stand-up comedy class.

8.        Three passengers lapsed into unconsciousness on a SkyWest flight from Chicago to Connecticut.   ***   Airline officials said it was a new perk for anyone with enough frequent flier miles.

9.        In launching her new line of JC Penny home furnishings, Eva Longoria said she sets a romantic mood in the bedroom with vibrant colors, candles and a sexy partner.  ***   The colors are from JC Penny’s Linen Department, the candles are from Accessories and the sexy partner is from Brad, from Accounting.

10.     Chinese officials are cracking down on the recent practice of featuring strippers at funerals.   ***   They’ve instructed all law enforcement personnel to be on the lookout for headstones with brass poles.