News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 27, 2019

1.   To improve worker productivity, a British firm has designed a toilet with a 13-degree slope that makes it painful to sit on for more than five minutes and discourages employees from spending too much time in the bathroom.   ***  Previously, supervisors just shut off the vent fan.

2.   After making disparaging and suggestive on-air remarks about his co-workers, hockey analyst Jeremy Roenick was suspended by NBC for “inappropriate comments.”   ***  Network officials later explained that “inappropriate comments” would include anything negative about co-workers…or anything positive about the Detroit Red Wings.

3.   Detroit police are now searching for the driver of a red Camaro who blocked traffic on I-94 while showing off and doing “donuts” in the middle of the freeway.  ***  Dozens of police were reportedly disappointed after responding to the dispatcher’s announcement of “Donuts on I-94.”

4.   This past weekend Michigan road crews worked to clean up a mysterious green substance that had been oozing out of the ground and onto I-696 in Madison Heights. ***  After a thorough analysis, the EPA investigator issued this report:

I do not like that yucky green.

I do not like what I have seen.

I do not like it on the road.

I do not like it in the cold.

I do not like it in this town.

I do not like it all around.

I do not like green ooze and slime.

I do not like it any time.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 20, 2019

1.   To make military dogs more effective at their tasks, the Army is planning to equip them with upgraded cameras.  ***  They’ll also be given their own Facebook page and taught how to take selfies.

2.   After airing a commercial that showed two women exchanging wedding vows and kissing, the Hallmark Channel was criticized by the group One Million Moms, which complained that the ad was inconsistent with the network’s family friendly programming.   ***   And some viewers are concerned that this sort of thing could lead to the ultimate betrayal: Hallmark Christmas Movies with unhappy endings.

3.   Researchers in Italy have found that eating hot chili peppers four times a week can dramatically reduce a person’s chances of having a heart attack or a stroke.  ***  Or getting a second date.

4.   Students staying at the Hyatt Regency in Minneapolis found hidden cameras in their hotel rooms.   ***   They reportedly became suspicious when a maid said she needed to deliver fresh towels, clean the room and adjust the focus.

5.   A woman in Australia found a 10-foot python wrapped around the branches of her Christmas tree.  ***  Actually, she didn’t realize it was a snake until she plugged its tail into a socket.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 13, 2019

1.   British authorities have charged four people with being members of an outlawed neo-Nazi group, including a young woman who had entered the organization’s “Miss Hitler” contest. ***  In fact, the investigators first became suspicious when they observed several beautiful women lined up wearing swimsuits, sashes and strange little moustaches.

2.   A 9 year old Belgian boy has dropped out of a Dutch university because school officials insisted on a schedule that would not have given him a degree until after he turned 10.  ***  Also, they refused to give him credits for morning and afternoon recess.

3.   According to a consumer warning from the FBI, the latest “smart” TV’s have cameras and can watch me while I’m sitting in my recliner watching TV .  ***  You know, if those TV’s are so smart, you’d think they could find something better to do.

4.   KFC is now selling chicken-scented fireplace logs.  ***  Ah yes, that smoky fragrance takes me back to the days when it was easier to catch a hen than chop wood.

5.   Ford is recalling 261,000 pick-up trucks because the tailgate could fly open.   ***  Company officials said the driver would still be able to maintain control of the vehicle, but under certain conditions all the empty beer cans could roll out.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 6, 2019

1.   North Korea has warned the United States that we should prepare for an unspecified “Christmas gift.”   ***  Dang, I hate it when North Korea draws our name in “Secret Santa.”

2.   In a tense moment at yesterday’s NATO conference, President Trump said Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau was “two-faced.”  ***  That was quite a nasty insult, because Mr. Trump has absolutely no respect for people who are “two faced” … or, actually, anything less than five.

3.   In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said emotional moments now often cause him to cry, but previously, over the past 20 years, he had never cried.   ***   Hmmm, apparently Angelina wasn’t a very good dominatrix.       

4.   A recent study of pre-historic fossils concluded that for 70 million years snakes had rear legs.  ***  Sadly, throughout their 70 million year evolution those poor reptiles had to put up with never ending “snake jokes” and cruel taunts about “pushing on a rope.”

5.   After serving almost 18 months of his prison sentence, Bill Cosby has finally broken his silence.   ***   It was reportedly right after the cafeteria introduced “Burrito Night.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 29, 2019

1.     At Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the winds subsided and all the big balloons were able to participate.  ***   Officials were especially concerned that strong winds could blow the diapers off the Trump balloon.

2.     McDonald's employees in Chicago are suing the company over a store redesign that has made it easier for angry customers to leap over the counter and attack them.  ***  And they say it didn’t help when management revised the menu to list all the assault options and the jail time for each.

3.     In Rochester, New York, a home intruder was fought off and sent to the hospital by an 82 year old body-building grandmother.   ***   Coincidentally, that’s the same neighborhood where last Christmas Eve police responded to reports of a badly beaten-up reindeer.

4.     Kim Kardashian has posted an Instagram photo of herself in a glamorous but poorly fitting gown, with the caption, "How good would this Versace dress have been if it fit."  ***   Well, Kim, perhaps that particular fabric just wasn’t available in the necessary width.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 22, 2019

1.   Captain Dick Stevenson, the bar owner who invented the Sourtoe Cocktail, which is served with a mummified human toe, has died, and he willed all his toes to the bar.   ***  Forget the disgusting drink; the grossest thing is when the bartender pulls out the box of toes and plays “This little piggy went to market…”

2.   Doctors Beth Malow, Olivia Veatch and Kanika Bagai published an article in “JAMA Neurology” recommending an end to daylight savings time.  ***   Carnac the Magnificent rips open the envelope and reads, “Name three highly educated people who can’t figure out how to reset their clocks.”

3.   A British study found that a growing number of elderly people in their 90’s are being hospitalized for using cocaine.  ***  That’s unbelievable—it’s gotta be really tough to snort coke with a stiff neck, weak lungs and excessive nose hairs.

4.   The FDA has accused the Dollar Tree of selling unsafe drugs.  ***   They also pointed out that buying drugs at the Dollar Tree is like going to Tuffy Muffler for an organ transplant.

5.   Hillary Clinton is claiming that “many, many, many” people are urging her to run for president again.  ***  However, after intense questioning from CNN fact finders, she admitted that it might only be “many, many.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 15, 2019

1.   In Russia, police apprehended a well-known college professor and found that his backpack contained two severed arms.   ***   Well, you know how those academic types always like to go to faculty parties and rub elbows.

2.   Famed lawyer Alan Dershowitz, 81 years old, is counter-suing a woman who accused him of sexual abuse, and he claims her accusations have caused him “anxiety, stress, mental anguish, and the physical effects therefrom; medical conditions including but not limited to cardiac conditions; and other ailments."   ***  On the other hand, he also said, “Eh, it might just be old age.”

3.   Former president Jimmy Carter was hospitalized this week and doctors relieved pressure on his brain with surgery.  ***  Some presidents, however, prefer to relieve pressure on their brain by not using it.

4.   Madonna is being sued by a fan who is accusing her of scheduling her upcoming Miami concerts with a start time that is too late.  ***  By about 30 years.

5.   The USDA has issued a nationwide recall of 2 million pounds of chicken.  ***  In other words, all the politicians who won’t criticize the president.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 8, 2019

1.   Smugglers from Mexico have been able to use inexpensive power saws to repeatedly cut through the newest portion of the border wall, which President Trump had touted as the “Rolls-Royce version.”   ***  Apparently that’s the version where you just relax while your chauffeur does the cutting.

2.   There was momentary chaos at Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport after a pilot mistakenly triggered a plane’s hijacking alarm.   ***   Apparently the alarm button was too close to the switch that activates the hidden cameras in the lavatories.

3.   An American art forger, Tony Tetro, is claiming he forged three paintings—a Monet, a Picasso and a Dali—that are currently on display at Prince Charles’ estate.   ***  Investigators say the paintings appear genuine but they’re not sure Prince Charles is for real.

4.   As she approaches her 30^th birthday, Emma Watson says she’s completely happy still being single, although she calls it “self-partnered.”    ***  She says there are many advantages to her lifestyle, including discounted rates at couples therapy.

5.   The king of Thailand dismissed two palace officials who were responsible for overseeing the royal palace bedrooms because of adultery and unspecified violent conduct.  ***  But mostly because the bedspread had wrinkles and the pillows weren’t fluffed.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 1, 2019

1.   The Ronald Regan Presidential Library in Simi Valley was evacuated as the California wildfires got dangerously close.  ***   Authorities said they were concerned about the extreme flammability of jelly beans.

2.   Kanye West says he is “working for God” and his “job is spreading the Gospel.”   ***   Ah, a textbook example of how low unemployment results in a shortage of qualified candidates.

3.   Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of video games such as Donkey Kong, Mario Bros., and The Legend of Zelda, will be given the “Person of Cultural Merit” award by the Japanese Government.   ***  Historians say it is the first time the award has been given to someone who has never been on a date and still lives in their parents’ basement. 

4.   At 61 years old, Madonna is dating a 24 year old guy who is one of her back up dancers.  ***  They’re called that because when Madonna falls down, they help her get back up.    

5.   A woman who was ejected from the Cannery casino in Las Vegas came back with her Winnebago motor home and drove through the front entrance, intentionally running over a custodian (who is now recovering).  ***  Apparently she wanted to make a clean getaway.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 25, 2019

1.   The Chemistry Club at Wayne State University has built the world’s largest periodic table, measuring over 500 feet across.  ***  And that doesn’t even include the chairs.

2.   Kim Jong Un says he plans to tear down facilities built by South Korea at a joint resort project in North Korea because they are “shabby and unpleasant looking.”  ***   The South Korean government disagreed, saying the buildings are actually quite attractive…and they said the upper floors will provide a terrific view of incoming missiles.

3.   Four American Airlines flight attendants arriving at the Miami airport with $22,000 in cash were arrested for suspected money laundering.   ***  Authorities are investigating their claim that at airport prices that barely covers their Cinnabon habit and souvenir T-shirts for all the relatives.

4.   A family of moose was recently seen casually walking at a shopping mall in Jackson, Wyoming, but residents of the area said that was not unusual.   ***   However, they said normally the moose don’t shop until the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.

5.   Kanye West told wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to a recent event was “too sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey.”   ***   In other words, “It makes you look fat.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 18, 2019

1.   After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world.  ***  However, he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women of all time.”

2.   The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which has baffled scientists who determined it has 720 sexes but no brain.   ***   Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”

3.   After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes.   ***  Also, they’ve added a sign showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”

4.   The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a confidential Vatican document.   ***  The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”

5.   A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort; management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art."   ***  And now she claims the authorities were trying to frame her.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 11, 2019

1.   The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience."   ***  In other words, no pictures.

2.   Harley-Davidson announced it will begin manufacturing an electric motorcycle.   ***   For customers who miss the roar of a gasoline engine, dealers will install a huge baseball card in the spokes.

3.   McDonald’s has announced plans to make drive-thru lines considerably shorter.   ***   All customers will be required to drive smaller cars.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 4, 2019

1.   At 88 years old, Regis Philbin reportedly wants 72 year old Susan Lucci to join him on a nationwide singing tour.   ***   At that age, performers prefer duets so at least one of them remembers the words.

2.   Justin Timberlake was tackled while attending a Fashion Week show in Paris.   ***   Wow—those French really have no tolerance for someone wearing last year’s style. 

3.   Lamborghini, the manufacturer of flashy, exotic sports cars, announced it may soon develop an electric supercar.  ***   However, the company has some safety concerns and is worried that the high-voltage electrical systems might get shorted out by the driver’s gold chains.

4.   Nissan is recalling one million cars because the back-up cameras may have stopped working.  ***   Until the cameras are fixed, Nissan is urging owners to use alternate measures for rearward vision, such as strapping a small child to the rear bumper.

5.   Wally Conron, the man who created the popular mixed-breed “Labradoodle,” says it is one of his biggest regrets because he meant it to be a guide dog, not a “fashion accessory.”   ***   He said if he just wanted to create something fashionable to put on a leash it would have involved a Kardashian.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 27, 2019

1.   The seat selection screen on the Japan Air Lines reservation website identifies seats with babies so passengers can avoid sitting near them.  ***  On airlines in the U.S., whining and crying can be avoided by not sitting next to someone from the opposite political party.

2.   In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Coast Guard captured a small submarine that was filled with $165 million worth of cocaine.    ***   Authorities became suspicious when they saw the vessel snorting white powder through the periscope. 

3.   During a recent Arctic expedition by the Russian navy, a small landing craft was sunk by a mother walrus who was protecting her cubs.   ***   Goo Goo Ga Joob!

4.   In Muskegon, Michigan, a police officer was fired after Ku Klux Klan material was found in his home, but he claims he just collects memorabilia associated with the “Dukes of Hazzard” TV show.  ***  However, he stumbled when trying to explain why he never bought his wife a pair of Daisy Dukes.

5.   A lot of people are confused by the title of Brad Pitt’s latest film, “Ad Astra.”   ***   I mean, who wants to see a movie about Ed Asner with a cold?

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 20, 2019

1.   After fracturing her arm while rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars,” Christie Brinkley told ABC, “I have to find a silver lining.”  ***   OK, but I think that’s kind of snobbish and it will itch even more than an ordinary cast.

2.   Officials in New Mexico announced a plan to provide free college tuition for all state residents.  ***   However, they said parents would still need to pay for books, living expenses and bribes to the admissions office.

3.   Accused Wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden says he would like to come back to the U.S. if he could get a fair trial.  ***  Or at least be tried on a televised episode of “Judge Judy.”

4.   A transatlantic flight was diverted to Ireland after the pilot spilled coffee on the controls, causing heat, smoke and a burning odor.  ***  Hmmm, sounds like Starbuck’s extra-strong morning-wake-up blend.

5.   For adventurous travelers, a unique hotel—the North Pole Igloos—will be opening at the North Pole in April, 2020.   ***   The only drawback is that you have to help make toys.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 13, 2019

1.   The designer of the Seibu Railway commuter train in Japan says his intent was to “make a train that feels like a living room.”   ***   So, every 15 minutes someone comes in and fights you for the remote, complains about the temperature and tells you to get your shoes off the couch.

2.   Researchers at the Smithsonian have identified a new species of electric eel that can generate 30% more voltage than the previously known species.   ***   They determined that by connecting the eels to a Tesla and measuring the top speed.

3.   On Monday, President Trump took Air Force One to North Carolina to see the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian.  ***  Then, to see the most extreme damage, he told the pilots to fly over Alabama and look for an area surrounded by a thick black line.

4.   Scientists at Seattle’s Allen Institute have developed a robot that was able to pass an 8^th grade science test.  ***   But the really impressive thing is that while taking the test it was also throwing spitwads.

5.   A miniature horse was allowed on a recent American Airlines flight because it was a passenger’s “support animal.”  ***  “Flight 555 to Omaha is now boarding at Corral #2.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 6, 2019

1.   Harvard researchers have found that football players who suffer concussions are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction.  ***  As a result, the NFL has revised its “concussion protocol,” and players sent to the locker room after a hard hit now get to take a much different test.

2.   A recent survey found that people become impatient when a traffic light takes more than 25 seconds to change or when a web page takes more than 16 seconds to load.  ***   Or when a survey takes more than 2 seconds to complete.

3.   Billy Bush, who interviewed Donald Trump in the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape, has been hired as the new host of “Extra,” although the producers renamed it “Extra Extra.”   ***   And they made him change his name to Billy Billy.

4.   A study at the University of Alabama found that children whose diets include a lot of fast food are more likely to suffer from depression.   ***   Well, I guess the folks at McDonald’s are going to need a new name for Happy Meals.