Friday, Sept 26, 2014

1.        The U.S. government has agreed to pay $554 million to the Navajo nation for mismanaging the tribe’s resources.  ***  The government had originally argued against the settlement and pointed out that it mismanages everybody’s resources.

2.        A Chicago church received $1.6 million from a real estate deal, and decided to give 10% of it to the congregation, which it called a form of “tithing.”  ***  Cash given to members of a congregation is usually called “hush money.”

3.        Justin Bieber is making a film with David Hasselhoff, and Justin will be the voice of KITT, the car from “Knight Rider.”  ***  This is expected to be the first time that the driver is sober and the car is drunk.

4.        Eleven tribes from the U.S. and Canada have signed an agreement that will allow buffalo herds to roam freely across both countries so the Indians can connect with them spiritually, ceremonially and culturally.  ***  The only thing that would be allowed to interfere with the buffalo would be construction of a casino.

5.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reportedly lost 85 pounds, largely through the help of last year’s lap-band surgery.   ***  That’s the medical equivalent of lane closures.

6.        General Motors has just announced that the 2015 Cadillacs will be built at the Hamtramck plant, near downtown Detroit.  ***  Great--Now they can be carjacked right off the assembly line.

7.        President Obama created a huge controversy when he was photographed getting off the presidential helicopter and saluting the Marines with a coffee cup in his hand.  ***  The debate is still raging on:  Was the cup half empty or half full?

8.        After being severely criticized for allowing a man to scale the fence and run into the White House, the Secret Service has put strict new security procedures in place.  ***  From now on, anyone planning to break into the White House will be required to register in advance.

9.        According to a study by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Americans’ waistlines are growing at an alarming rate. ***  Which is great news for the Belt-of-the-Month Club.

10.     In Biloxi, Mississippi, owners of the Margaritaville casino have filed for bankruptcy.   ***   According to the filing, assets include100 slot machines, numerous gaming tables and two tons of salt.

Friday, Sept 19, 2014

1.        The unique farmhouse featured in the background of the famous painting “American Gothic” is for sale.  ***  No homebuyers yet, but there have been ten offers on the pitchfork.

2.        Officials in Monroe County, Michigan have charged Hayley Turner for filing a false police report when she claimed to have been kidnapped last August on her way home from a video store.  ***  Police became suspicious when they suddenly realized that nobody goes to a video store anymore.

3.        Joe Biden’s trip to Des Moines, Iowa for a Democratic fund raising event has fueled speculation about his political plans for 2016.  ***  Des Moines city council?

4.        According to a survey by Insure.com, drivers in Idaho are the rudest in the nation, but they are also among the safest.  ***  For example, in driver training they’re taught how to flip the bird while keeping two hands firmly on the wheel.

5.        LeBron James has unveiled his new Nike sneaker, the “LeBron 12.”  He says that it offers exceptional “stability and comfort.”   ***   Kind of like a really good NBA contract.

6.        Nik Wallenda, the daredevil who walked a tightrope across the Grand Canyon last year, has just announced that in November he will walk a tightrope stretched between two buildings in downtown Chicago.  ***  Actually, with Chicago’s crime rate, it’s more dangerous to walk from one building to another using the sidewalk.

7.        According to a study by InsuranceQuotes.com, Detroit is the most expensive city in which to insure a vehicle.  ***  On the positive side, the coverage is automatically transferred to whoever steals the car.

8.        Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has broken up with his Argentine fiancée and former mistress.  ***  She knew it was over when he really did go hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

9.        In Troy, Michigan, a 45 year old man was arrested for flashing drivers on a busy avenue while wearing a hot pink shirt and a purple thong.  ***  He was charged with displaying an offensive color combination.

10.     North Korea charged a 24 year old American with espionage and sentenced him to six years of hard labor.  ***  The U.S. government has issued a strong protest, saying that since the accused is a Millennial, hard labor is a cruel and unusual punishment.

Friday, Sept 12, 2014

1.     McDonald’s has submitted paperwork to trademark “McBrunch.”  ***  The company has already trademarked McMuffin, McChicken and McHeartAttack.

2.     Nike is designing an airplane that would help athletes maintain their performance level when flying to “away” games.  It includes a massage area, lie-flat seats   ***   and a special cabin for steroid injections.

3.     Detroit is installing upgraded electronic parking meters that have longer lasting batteries, can be paid through a smartphone app  ***  and give you a refund for the unused time after your car is stolen.

4.     Nevada’s governor has declared a state of emergency because of extreme flooding.  ***  It’s so bad the only people playing the submerged slot machines are seniors with oxygen tanks.

5.     A New Jersey newspaper is investigating why that state’s three largest cities are having the biggest increases in crime.  ***  Because they have the most politicians?

6.     Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling his 5-ton Mercedes Unimog for $275,000.  ***  When someone asked him, “Made in Germany?” he said “No, the maid is still in California.”

7.     The Smithsonian is restoring a famous full-length painting of George Washington wearing black velvet.  ***  These days our heroes are painted ON black velvet.

8.     The Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles caught on fire.  *** Observers reported that it went up in flames…down in flames…up in flames…

9.     A hacker recently breached the Obamacare website.  ***  This is a serious offense, because the program’s Open Hacking period doesn’t start until November 15^th.

10.  A nine year old pajama-clad Canadian boy in Saskatchewan stole a city bus and drove it for three blocks.  ***  Police became suspicious when the bus started arriving at stops on schedule.

Friday, Sept 5, 2014

1.        Starbucks officials have apologized to a woman who was told she could not come into the store with her service dog, which she needs because of her bipolar disorder.  ***  However, Starbucks also said that if she was truly bipolar she would have had two service dogs.

2.        This week Dunkin’ Donuts opened its first store in Southern California, and some people waited in line for 24 hours.  ***  A few were on foot, but most of them were in their patrol cars.

3.        This week Dunkin’ Donuts opened its first store in Southern California, and some people waited in line for 24 hours.  ***  Which is the longest most of them had ever been away from a couch.

4.        In Reno, Nevada several young children were slightly injured at a science museum during a demonstration of a tornado.  ***   Actually, several young children running loose in a museum IS a tornado. 

5.        Because of international pressure, France has postponed delivery of a new warship to Russia.   ***   It wouldn’t matter; all French warships only move in reverse.

6.        A study published in the journal “Geochemistry, Geophysics, Geosystems” predicted the outcome if the active volcano under Yellowstone Park suddenly erupted.  ***  The scientists summarized their predictions with an old nursery rhyme:  “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair…”

7.        Authorities investigating a threat against President Obama traced some clues to an abandoned VW Jetta.  ***  The embarrassed suspect had dumped it after his leader phoned him and yelled, “I told you to hijack a JET, you idiot—a JET.”

8.        In Ontario, Canada, Justin Bieber was arrested and then released pending a court appearance for running into a minivan with his ATV.  ***  The court case is “Minivan v. Mini-man.”

9.        Gun maker Smith & Wesson has just announced poor earnings for the past fiscal quarter and a weak forecast for the rest of the year.  ***  To remedy this, they will begin charging customers 10% of all proceeds from robberies successfully committed with a Smith & Wesson firearm.

10.     A study by Saint Louis University has shown that regular dancing can help seniors relieve leg pain.   ***   However, they could face a substantial increase in pain if the person they’re caught dancing with is not their spouse.