News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 27, 2017

1.   The Playboy Club in New York City is re-opening after a 30 year hiatus.  ***   The bad news:  Thanks to ironclad employment contracts, all the former Bunnies get their jobs back.

2.   Although most of Los Angeles voted for Hillary Clinton, the precinct with the Church of Scientology voted for Donald Trump.  ***   Mr. Trump said he was grateful for the support of the Scientologists, but he still doesn’t buy their theories on global warming.

3.   A postal worker in Allen Park, Michigan has been accused of stealing lingerie out of several packages and may face up to five years in prison.  ***   However, his lawyer expects that he’ll be acquitted because the evidence is quite skimpy.

4.   A California man has created a new dating website, TrumpSingles.com, for people who support Donald Trump.  ***  The process starts with members going online and creating alternative profiles.

5.   According to a recent survey by Wells Fargo, failure to save more money is regretted by 74% of retirees.   ***   And 100% of their heirs.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 27, 1593 – The Vatican opens a seven year heresy trial against scholar Giordano Bruno; he is ultimately found guilty and burned at the stake.   ***  That was quite a shock, since his lawyer had promised a maximum sentence of ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Mary’s.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 26, 1961 – Elvis Presley reaches #1 on the charts with "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"   ***   I believe it was a pitch for his new business, Elvis Presley Escorts.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1993 – Sears announces it is discontinuing its catalog.  ***   Outhouse owners across the country reluctantly start buying toilet paper.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1972 – Japanese Sgt. Shoichi Yokoi is found in a Guam jungle, where he had been hiding out since the end of World War II, 28 years earlier.  ***   He attributed his long term perseverance to loyalty, discipline and some very attractive Japanese comfort women.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 23, 971 –  Song Dynasty troops use crossbows to defeat the Chinese army’s first deployment of the elephant corps.  ***  I’ll bet the elephants were starting to think that maybe circus life ain’t so bad.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 20, 2017

1.   Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman was handed over to American authorities yesterday, and political observers say that day was carefully selected so it would be too soon for Donald Trump to take the credit. ***  And too late for Barack Obama to grant him a pardon.

2.   In Warren, Michigan, two men broke into the home of 70 year-old woman and threatened to kill her cat if she didn’t give them her cash, credit cards and wedding ring.   ***   The cat had a lovely funeral.

3.   A new start-up company, Ambrosia, plans to conduct anti-aging trials on 600 people willing to pay $8,000 to be injected with blood from a Millennial.  ***   The treatment is expected to result in a more youthful appearance, greater proficiency at video games and a strong desire to live in your parents’ basement.

4.   Lindsay Lohan has reportedly converted to Islam.  ***  She is now studying the Quran, praying every day and only using Muslim bail bondsmen.

5.   It has just been announced that Tony Orlando will be performing at the

inaugural ball.   ***    It will be the first performance of his new group, “Tony Orlando and Dawn-ald.” (groan)

6.   President Obama’s dog Sunny recently bit a visitor at the White House.  ***   The poor victim had unwittingly uttered the dog’s secret attack command, “Donald.” 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 20, 1930 – The first radio broadcast of "The Lone Ranger" takes place on WXYZ in Detroit.  ***  It was the last day of employment, however, for the staffer with the bright idea of bringing galloping horses into the studio. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1785 – The first manned flight in Ireland takes place using a balloon filled with hydrogen…***…and a pilot filled with Guinness.   

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1919 – The Peace Congress opens in Versailles, France, for the purpose of bringing a formal end to the first world war.   ***   So everyone could start preparing for the next one.  

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1871 – The cable car is patented by Andrew Hallidie, although it doesn’t begin service until 1873.  ***  It took him two years to perfect the sound of the bell.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 13, 2017

1.   In a special White House ceremony on Thursday, President Obama surprised V.P. Joe Biden by bestowing upon him America’s highest civilian honor.   ***   One million likes on Facebook?

2.   In Russia, the Health Ministry is considering banning cigarettes entirely in that country.  ***  A spokesman said the move would result in improved health, longer lives and more money to spend on vodka.

3.   Starbucks announced it is dropping “Evenings,” its pilot program with beer and wine.  ***  That’s good—they shouldn’t have been serving alcohol to pilots in the first place.

4.   Last weekend a famous Sequoia tree in California that had its trunk hollowed out for a tunnel in the 1800’s was felled by a major storm.   ***  Al Gore is preparing to deliver the eulogy.

5.   Last week Kim Kardashian revealed on Twitter that she has developed psoriasis.  ***  She is treating it by applying topical creams and putting her selfie camera on a low-res setting.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 13, 1938 – The Church of England accepts the theory of evolution.  ***  And church leaders proclaimed that their doors are always open to anyone who can walk upright.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1958 – The NCAA football rules committee adds the 2 point conversion option after touchdowns.  ***  Kicked balls still only get 1 point because kickers generally do lousy victory dances.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 11, 2007 – J. K. Rowling finishes the 7th and final Harry Potter novel in room 552 of the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh.  ***  The book could have been a bit longer but she stopped writing as soon as the mini-bar ran out.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1956 – Elvis records "Heartbreak Hotel."  ***  Back then it was a metaphoric place for jilted lovers; these days it’s a hotel that you check into and then find out it doesn’t have wi-fi.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1959 – "Rawhide" with Clint Eastwood premieres on CBS TV.   ***  In those days his tagline was “Get off my ranch.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 6, 2017

1.   In Gila Bend, Arizona, a naked woman stole a police car and hit 100 mph during a 75 mile chase.  ***  Gee, the last time we saw something like that was when a Kardashian was late for an MTV Awards party.

2.   Because of leadership conflicts, three separate motorcycle gatherings are being planned for the presidential inauguration, even though the sincere, politically-motivated bikers all share the same conservative philosophy, support of Mr. Trump’s agenda  ***  and the fantasy of Melania riding naked on the back of their Harleys.

3.   Robert Hulseman, inventor of the red Solo cup, has died at the age of 84.   ***   Sadly, he passed away without achieving his dream of getting beer pong into the Olympics.

4.   In Detroit, “Milwaukee Avenue” was recently renamed “Stevie Wonder Avenue.”  ***  It was also designated as an official testing site for self-driving cars.

5.   The Radio City Rockettes and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will be performing at the presidential inauguration.  ***   It will be a bit challenging—they’re still trying to synchronize high kicks with the “Hallelujah Chorus.”

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 6, 1914 – The brokerage firm Merrill-Lynch is founded.  ***  You know, it’s really hard to imagine that era – Stockbrokers without BMW’s.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1896 – Wilhelm Roentgen's discovery of X-Rays is first reported by the Austrian newspaper "Wiener Presse."  ***  Upon hearing the news, people around the world were astounded that anyone would name a newspaper “Wiener Presse.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1968 – Leo Fender sells Fender Guitars for $13 million.  ***  He then took the proceeds down to the local bar and went on a real Fender bender.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1888 – The first wax drinking straw is patented by Marvin C. Stone in Washington, D.C.   ***  Appropriately, it was invented in the town where people are most likely to suck up.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1570 – In Russia, Ivan the Terrible begins his march to Novgorod.   ***   Actually, that was in his younger years, when he was just Ivan the Naughty.