News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 28, 2017

1.   June Foray has passed away at the age of 99; she was the cartoon voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Russian spy Natasha Fatale.  ***  Hmmm…it seems VERY SUSPICIOUS that Ms. Foray died just two days before Natasha was due to testify about  alleged connections with Donald Trump’s campaign staff.

2.   One day after canceling the tour promoting his new album with hits like “What Do You Mean?” and “Sorry,” Justin Bieber struck a paparazzo while driving away from an event in Beverly Hills.  ***  He will now start working on his next album, with songs like “Get the H*** Out of My Way,” “Move Your Sorry A**,” and “Hey, I’m Glad I Broke Your Camera.”

3.   Steve Whitmire, who was fired after 27 years of puppeteering Kermit the Frog, said it had been even more than a job, a career and a passion—it was his whole life.  ***  In fact, in one of the interviews Mr. Whitmire got so emotional he fell off his lily pad.

4.   The big annual Taedonggang Beer Festival in North Korea has been cancelled.  ***  Several organizers had woken up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about Kim Jong Un putting on lederhosen and trying to dance the polka.

5.   A Texas-based coffee distributor has been ordered to recall a coffee blend that contains a chemical similar to the active drug in Viagra.  ***  Authorities were forced to take action after state-wide complaints about employees being late for work.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 28, 1931 – "The Star-Spangled Banner" is designated as our national anthem.  ***  It was unanimously approved by baseball parks everywhere. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1844 – Fire destroys the U.S. mint at Charlotte, NC.  ***   How sad.  Just a day earlier it was in mint condition.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1990 – General Hospital tapes its 7,000th episode.  ***  It was about the unlikely love affair between a dedicated doctor and a patient who was only on the Bronze Plan.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1943 – Benito Mussolini is dismissed as premier of Italy.   ***   He knew something was up when they asked him to come down to the HR Department.

10.  On this date in history:  July 24, 1967 – The Beatles sign a petition in The Times to legalize marijuana.  ***  As an incentive, they said if it was legalized they would explain the lyrics to “I Am the Walrus.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 21, 2017

1.   People are complaining that the Democrats’ new campaign slogan for 2018, “Better Skills, Better Jobs, Better Wages,” is too similar to the Jimmy John’s slogan, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.”  ***  Actually, they should just use the Jimmy John’s slogan—at least it’s a promise they could deliver.    

2.   During a routine traffic stop, police in Austin, Texas discovered 75 pounds of liquid meth hidden in jugs of engine degreaser.  ***  Actually, meth is a terrific engine cleaner, if you don’t mind potholes in your driveway.

3.   A storm system over the Atlantic has been named “Don” while one over the Pacific has been named “Hilary.”  ***  That’s very appropriate—in fact, the only difference between Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton and the two potential hurricanes is that hurricanes have a higher approval rating.

4.   American Airlines is denying that one of its planes was evacuated at the Raleigh-Durham Airport because passengers were getting nauseous after someone “passed gas.”  ***  The airline said the odor was likely due to a mechanical issue, but just to be safe they will no longer serve the burrito special.

5.   A truck accident on Route 101 in Oregon resulted in a shipment of thousands of live eels spilled across the highway.   ***   State officials said they hadn’t seen that many slimy, disgusting, blood-sucking creatures since the last political convention.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 21, 1931 – A horse race track in Reno is the first venue in the U.S. to feature a “daily double.”  ***   Oh.  I thought that was “Jeopardy.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1881 – Indian leader Sitting Bull surrenders to federal troops.   ***   As a sign of respect, the soldiers didn’t make him stand up. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1976 – The rock group “Deep Purple” disbands.   ***  Of course, we all remember when they first formed and were considering the names “Burgundy,” “Maroon,” and “Eggplant.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1872 – Britain introduces secret ballot voting.   ***  It was so secret even the voters didn’t know who they were voting for.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1988 – San Francisco has a record high temperature of 103 degrees.  ***  Down at Fisherman’s Wharf, the Ghirardelli Company had a special on dark chocolate soup. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 14, 2017

1.   A funeral home in Flint, Michigan has been shut down because of unhealthy conditions and decomposing bodies.   ***   Contrary to local rumors, the toxic drinking water did not work well for embalming.

2.   A district judge in Hawaii has ruled that President Trump’s travel ban from Muslim countries does not apply to grandparents of U.S. citizens.  ***  In order to enter the U.S., elderly couples must show proof of having sent ten years of birthday cards with $5 tucked inside.

3.   Muppet Show veteran Matt Vogel will be replacing Steve Whitmore as the puppeteer for Kermit the Frog.  ***  The noticeable change in Kermit’s voice will be explained to all the young viewers through an educational story about puberty.

4.   In a case of extreme road rage, an Episcopalian priest was arrested in Florida for threatening another driver with his Glock pistol.   ***   The priest quickly apologized and said the gun is normally used just to keep people awake during his sermons.

5.   A Delta Airlines passenger trying to open an exit door during a flight from Seattle to Beijing was subdued by a flight attendant who hit him over the head with two bottles of wine.  ***  In accordance with Delta policy, since the incident took place in first class it was OK to hit him with the chardonnay AND the pinot noir.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 14, 1973 – Phil Everly storms off the stage and declares an end to the Everly Brothers  ***  He was sick and tired of always fighting Don for the hairspray.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1987 – A federal judge throws out Bette Midler's $10 million suit against Ford Motor Co, who used a sound-alike voice for their TV commercials.  ***  Ford was also accused of music plagiarism in a lawsuit filed by Ms. Midler’s boyfriend at the time, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1960 – USSR's Sputnik 5 is launched with two dogs.  ***  They would have gone with cats, but there just wasn’t room for the litter box (and in a weightless environment—very messy). 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1955 – Congress authorizes all U.S. currency to say "In God We Trust."   ***  It sounded a little better than their second choice: “Heaven Help Us.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 10, 1982 – Trapeze artist Miguel Vasquez makes the first public quadruple somersault.   ***  Actually, he was just going for a triple, but he lost count.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 7, 2017

1.   United Airlines has apologized to a mother who had to hold her two-year old son on a 3-hour flight after a man got onboard during a layover and claimed the boy’s double-booked seat.  ***  A United spokesman said it was a case of human error-- according to company policy the man should have held the boy.

2.   A woman in Oklahoma tried to recruit a man to kill her husband and showed him her plan with a PowerPoint presentation.  ***   It’s the first time PowerPoint was involved in trying to kill someone; normally the app is just used to put people to sleep.

3.   At the Cheyenne Mountain Resort in Colorado Springs, a 73 year old woman drove into the swimming pool in her car.   ***  Witnesses said they were just thankful she didn’t go into the pool in her bikini.

4.   Police in Merida, Mexico accused three Playboy bunnies of working without visas, then arrested them and put them in a holding cell.  ***  The cops then took turns going into the cell and holding them.

5.   This weekend New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and his family had sole use of a beach he had closed due to the state’s financial crisis.  ***   Of course, that was a unique situation--Usually he just keeps the crowds away by shutting down lanes on the highway.

6.   Kelly Osborne says she peed her pants in the Gay Pride parade in NYC because the Starbucks she went to didn’t have a restroom.  ***  In an effort to improve service, customers in that situation will now be given an empty cup with their name written on it.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 7, 1987 – Kiwanis Clubs end their men-only tradition and vote to admit women.  ***  However, the women all quit in disgust after learning the meaning of the word “kiwanis.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1535 – In England, Sir Thomas More is executed for treason.  ***  First they almost executed a Mr. Less; someone apparently heard that Less is More. 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1981 – Rajan Mahadevan recites 31,811 digits of pi from memory.  ***  And then forgot to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1984 – A Dolphin rocket is launched off San Clemente Island.  ***  And boy, was that fish terrified.