News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 27, 2018

1.   A company in Missouri is marketing “Redneck Sandals,” which have a lower portion like a typical sandal, but an upper portion like a cowboy boot.   ***    Of course, they’re not practical for horseback riding because it’s hard to get on a horse that’s doubled over with laughter.

2.   Stormy Daniels’ husband, fellow porn star Glendon Crain, has filed for divorce and asked the judge to issue a restraining order.   ***   That’s so sad. I’m sure they both remember happier times when they’d grab some handcuffs and restrain each other voluntarily.

3.   Lamborghini has recalled its Aventador SV models after reports that under certain conditions the wheels could come off.  ***  For example, if you parked it overnight in Detroit.

4.   A woman who had been sunbathing on a Maryland beach is recovering after being impaled by a wind-blown beach umbrella.  ***  Boy, talk about “throwing shade” at someone…

5.   In Austin, Texas, a fire broke out at a food factory because of spontaneous combustion of recently baked tortilla chips.  ***   Firefighters were finally able to control the blaze after calling in a pumper truck filled with salsa.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1866 –  The 1,686 mile long Atlantic telegraph cable is successfully laid for communications between the U.S. and Europe.  ***  Messages could be sent by tugging on either end.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1908 – Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issues a written order that establishes the FBI and calls for a force of “special agents.”   ***   The directive also said they would carry special guns, drive special cars and work in special offices.   

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1983 – The first nonhuman primate, a baboon, is conceived in a lab dish.   ***   Of course, to hold the mommy and daddy it had to be a really big lab dish.

9.   On this date in history:  July 24, 1925 – Tennessee high school instructor John Scopes is found guilty and fined $100 for teaching evolution.   ***   And a Mr. Cliff was fined $25 for publishing a short summary.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 23, 1931 – France announces it cannot afford to send a team to the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics.   ***  They could fund the travel, food and lodging, but not the must-have Dior travel outfits, Vuarnet sunglasses and Louis Vuitton luggage.  

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 20, 2018

1.   The FDA has announced that some dog foods have ingredients that can lead to canine heart attacks, and they recommend owners either stop buying those brands…   ***  …or start practicing CPR on their dog.

2.   Former “Today” host Matt Lauer is reportedly furious that he had to pay his ex-wife $50 million in their divorce settlement, but he’s optimistic about getting back into television.  ***   If he can just borrow cab fare to get to the interview.

3.   Crocs has added a new line of shoes, the “Cypress Heel,” which takes the traditional Crocs design and adds a high heel.   ***   It’s reminiscent of the ill-fated attempt to put high heels on flip-flops, which resulted in an epidemic of twisted ankles up and down every aisle at Walmart.   

4.   According to the Times of London, Prince Charles and Prince William could have joined the Queen in meeting President Trump but claimed that they had “other engagements.”   ***   Charles said it conflicted with his Zumba class and William said he had to mow the lawn.  

5.   Last week Stormy Daniels was arrested during a strip club routine and taken away in handcuffs.  ***  The famous porn star objected vehemently and tried to explain to the arresting officers that handcuffs usually have a fur lining and they always go on the guy.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1878 – The first telephone is introduced in Hawaii.   ***  Of course, it was pretty useless until they introduced the second telephone. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1848 – The first women's rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York.  ***  Attendees were kicked out if they had asked their husbands for permission.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1940 – The first successful helicopter flight takes place in Stratford, Connecticut.   ***   Previously, the only successful hovering had been done by overly protective mothers.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1955 – Arco, Idaho becomes the first U.S. city lit by nuclear power.  ***  It was a nice, soft glow from the reactor. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1926 – National Geographic takes the first natural color undersea photos.   ***   They were impressive, but most readers still preferred the shots of naked jungle women. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 13, 2018

1.   According to a recent study, people in South Dakota sleep longer than those in any other state, and NPR suggests it might be because “they tend to have better health overall and generally have lower population densities.”   ***   And because they generally have nothing to wake up for.

2.   At a Buckingham Palace ceremony marking the 100 year anniversary of the Royal Air Force, 3 year old Princess Charlotte was seen sticking her tongue out at the crowd.   ***   A palace spokesman apologized and explained that she was just practicing for President Trump’s visit.  

3.   Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke was informed that he may have violated the Hatch Act by wearing socks with the slogan “Make America Great Again.”   ***   Mr. Zinke apologized and immediately took off all of his White House-issued underwear.

4.   Demos Parneros, the CEO of Barnes & Noble, has been fired for “violating company policy.”   ***  He was caught reading an e-book.

5.   Khloe Kardashian says she is considering having a third child because her sisters seemed “hotter” after having had three kids.   ***   Or three husbands, whichever came first.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1787 – Congress establishes the Northwest Territory.   ***  It took them one day to establish it and ten days to name it.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1874 – The Ontario Agricultural College is founded.    ***   Or, as they preferred to say, planted. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1969 – The Rolling Stones release "Honky Tonk Woman."   ***   And she was glad to leave.

9.   On this date in history:  July 10, 1892 – The first concrete paved street is built in Bellefountaine, Ohio.   ***   It was matched by concrete sidewalks, concrete curbing and concrete potholes.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 9, 1910 – Walter Brookins becomes the first to pilot an airplane to an altitude of one mile.  ***  He was alone, but became the founding member of the Mile High Club, Solo Division.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 6, 2018

1.   The second half of a Kentucky warehouse has now collapsed, sending the remainder of the 18,000 barrels of bourbon crashing to the ground, and officials have been assessing the environmental impact.  ***   They are predicting a sharp increase in global mourning.    

2.   Facebook has apologized after its censorship protocol blocked an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence, and some people feel it was due to the phrase “Indian savages.”   ***   The Facebook algorithm apparently assumed it was a slam on people staffing a help desk. 

3.   President Trump gave Twitter readers a laugh when he bragged about his writing skills and wrote, “Fake News constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake.”   ***   Of course, “pore” is what you do over a document – “pour” is what you do to a cup of covfefe.    

4.   A recent article on AOL.com listed “19 Unusual Uses for Vaseline.”  ***   Including three that had nothing to do with sex. 

5.   Notorious gangster Retoine Faid escaped from a French prison by getting plucked from an open courtyard by a helicopter.  ***  However, before dropping him off the pilot made him spend two hours broadcasting rush hour traffic reports.

6.   NBC has cancelled the comedy series “Champions.”   ***   They also dropped plans for the spinoff, “Runner Ups.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1989 – U.S. marshals and FCC agents seize pirate radio station WHOT in Brooklyn.   ***  They confiscated two Jolly Roger flags, several eye patches and a parrot.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1937 – Joe DiMaggio hits his first grand slam homerun.   ***   Mrs. Robinson went wild.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1754 – In the “French & Indian War,” George Washington surrenders Fort Necessity.  ***   He decided it wasn’t really needed.

10.  On this date in history:  July 2, 1890 – The Sherman Antitrust Act prohibits industrial monopolies.   ***  Businessmen wanting to build financial empires were told to go play the board game.