News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 22, 2019

1.   Major League Baseball has renamed the “Disabled List” and it is now the “Injured List.”   ***   They also added several sub-categories, including the “Tummy Ache List,” the “Ouchie List” and the “Hurts-Like-Hell” list. 

2.   Actor Jussie Smollett, who had claimed to be a victim of a racist attack, has been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, which carries a maximum sentence of three years in jail.  ***  Authorities who reviewed Mr. Smollett’s report said he could also face several additional months of incarceration for errors in spelling, grammar and punctuation.

3.   According to a recent ranking based on environment, health and other factors, the worst place to grow old is in the state of West Virginia.  ***   Actually, the worst place to grow old is in your state of mind (but West Virginia is a close second).

4.   In an interview with TMZ, O.J. Simpson said Roger Stone should “man up and quit crying.”  ***  He also said Mr. Stone should make his hands swell up so the gloves don’t fit.

5.   A Delta flight made an emergency landing in Reno after the plane hit turbulence which was so severe that the drink cart overturned and five passengers were seriously injured.  ***  They got hurt fighting over all the spilled little liquor bottles.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 15, 2019

1.   A human foot has mysteriously washed up on Canada’s western shore, and authorities say this has happened several times before.  ***   In fact, many Canadians became alarmed when a recent surf report mentioned three-foot waves.

2.   Although President Obama had previously installed a “golf simulator” in the White House, President Trump has just spent $50,000 of his own money to replace it with a more sophisticated system.   ***   Mr. Trump’s set-up is so realistic he has to drive his golf cart between shots.

3.   In a recent interview, 74 year old Michael Douglas said he’s finding a lot of benefits to getting older.   ***  On the other hand, he said maybe it’s just because he’s handsome, famous and incredibly wealthy.

4.   After her flight arrived late in Houston and she ran to make her connecting flight to Los Angeles, “Big Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik had the boarding door shut in her face, possibly because she was carrying a small suitcase.  *** Or, maybe it’s because she was clutching that suitcase and frantically running toward the plane while trying to leverage her celebrity status by yelling “Big Bang!  Big Bang!”

5.   Three weeks after rolling his Land Rover, 97 year old Prince Philip announced it’s time to stop driving.  ***  He said his decision wasn’t prompted by the accident, but rather, because it’s getting too hard to remember where he put the car keys.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 8, 2019

1.   As President Trump prepared for his annual physical, the deputy press secretary revealed that Mr. Trump was previously given a diet plan, but “the President admits he has not followed it religiously.”  ***   He also said the President’s idea of following a diet plan religiously is to eat fries and Big Macs in a church.

2.   Since many women were wearing white as a sign of solidarity during the President’s State of the Union Address, some viewers wondered why Elizabeth Warren wore a blue outfit.   ***  I believe it was a sign of protest after the Secret Service told her she couldn’t bring in a “ceremonial tomahawk.”

3.   Viewers watching the State of the Union address last night wondered why Melania Trump had one glove on and one glove off during the event.   ***    Well, perhaps she’s like me—I mean, that’s what I do when it’s cold but I need to pick my nose.

4.   Tyson Foods is recalling 36,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because of contamination with bits of rubber.  ***  Initially, they just thought the latest batch came from unusually bouncy chickens.

5.   In Indonesia, a teenage boy and girl were sentenced to 98 days in jail and then flogged for affectionately cuddling in public.  ***.  Their lawyer denied the charges and pointed out that teenagers would never do anything that required putting down their cell phones.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 1, 2019

1.   In a recent interview on the Christian Broadcasting Network, Sarah Sanders claimed that God “wanted Donald Trump to become president.” ***  She went on to say that God could have influenced the election by just stuffing the ballot boxes, but for some reason decided to work through the Russians.

2.   Pop star Ariana Grande got a Japanese tattoo to celebrate her new hit song, “7 Rings,” but the botched symbol actually translates as “barbecue grill.” *** To make the best of a bad situation, Ms. Grande is now looking for a tattoo artist who can draw a really nice hibachi.

3.   Walmart announced it will soon be paying its drivers an average of $90,000 a year.  ***  And that doesn’t even include the standard employee benefits of free flip-flops and generous discounts on tank tops.

4.   The FDA says there’s a shortage of medicine to treat high blood pressure because of a recent recall.   ***  And because of a recent surge in orders from the White House.

5.   A postal worker in Kansas City, Missouri escaped injury when his mail truck suddenly exploded.   ***   Postal Service officials apologized and said the Priority Mail tracking system could not give the locations of individual fragments.