Friday, May 30, 2014

1.        According to a recent survey, Justin Bieber is the fifth most hated man in America, just behind Conrad Murray (Michael Jackson’s doctor) and just ahead of Phil Spector (song writer and convicted murderer).  ***   But, people do admire the way Mr. Bieber is trying so hard to work his way up the list.

2.        The NSA has released a 2013 internal e-mail from Edward Snowden asking if presidential executive orders have precedence over congressional statutes.  ***  I believe he asked the same question in Russia and Vladimir Putin’s response was, “Well, duh!”

3.        According to a recent Gallup poll, half the people in Illinois said they would leave the state if they could.   ***  The other half already left, but they’re still on the Chicago voter rolls.

4.        In an effort to reduce pollution, the Chinese government plans to take 6 million older vehicles off the road, although they’re not sure how to do that.  ***  Michigan, for example, does it with potholes.

5.        German researchers have developed a device that lets pilots fly a plane by brainwaves.  ***  Airline pilots are upset because it means they’ll have to stay awake.

6.        Google is designing a driverless car that doesn’t even have a steering wheel.   ***  Of course, in today’s cars a steering wheel is a necessity.  It’s where drivers rest their cell phone while texting.

7.        The United States is skeptical about Nigerian claims that the 300 abducted school girls have been located.  ***  However, just to be safe, American officials have e-mailed the requested bank account numbers and passwords to a Nigerian prince in hopes of freeing the children and also receiving a promised shipment of gold bars.

8.        Dozens of protestors at McDonald’s annual shareholders meeting were arrested after complaining that the minimum wage does not cover basic living expenses.  ***  Now they’re complaining that it doesn’t cover bail.

9.        The CEO of Levi Jeans says that washing jeans wears them out, and to keep them smelling fresh he recommends just freezing them.   ***   Although he admits that putting them on in the morning is quite a shock to his private parts.

10.     The White House accidentally disclosed the name of the CIA’s top man in Afghanistan.   ***  Fortunately, the Taliban have ignored the information because it did not come from a credible source.

Friday, May 23, 2014

1.        The New Jersey state assembly passed a gun control bill and is sending it to Governor Chris Christie for his signature.   ***  The Governor is expected to approve the measure, which limits weapons to non-automatic rifles, pistols with small-capacity magazines and orange traffic cones.

2.        Office Depot is recalling 1.4 million chairs because a broken weld could cause the seat to fall off. ***  And in extreme cases, the office worker sitting in the chair might actually wake up.

3.        Security forces at an Air Force base in Montana failed a simulated exercise in which a nuclear missile silo had been seized.   ***  Officials were unhappy with the base’s emergency response, which was, “Call Jack Bauer.”

4.        Republicans are complaining that the designation of a half million acres near the Mexico border as a national park will weaken security efforts.  ***  But Democrats point out that illegal immigrants, drug smugglers and human traffickers who cross the border at that point will now have to pay an annual park fee.

5.        The principal of a Catholic elementary school in Philadelphia has apologized for using a photo of Ellen DeGeneres on invitations to the school’s graduation dance.   ***   She said that Ellen is a poor role model and might encourage improper behavior—you know, like having a dance at an elementary school.

6.        China and Russia have signed a 30-year natural gas deal worth $400 billion.  ***  Russia has agreed to sell the gas at market prices and China has agreed not to laugh at pictures of Vladimir Putin riding horses bare-chested.

7.        Officials in Brazil are trying to reassure World Cup soccer fans that all major airports will be operational even though some of the upgrades are not complete.   ***  For example, arriving passengers will still need to use the emergency slides for de-planing. (And instead of luggage carousels, workers will take the bags off the plane and carry them around in circles.)

8.        A Mississippi man has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for mailing a letter laced with poison to President Obama.  ***  Plus one additional year for insufficient postage.

9.        The top movie at the box office this weekend was the terrifying monster film “Godzilla.”   ***  But, it wasn’t nearly as scary as the new movie about falling home prices, “God-Zillow.”

10.     A 102 year old woman was given spin around the Indianapolis 500 racetrack by Mario Andretti at 180 mile per hour.  Afterwards, she said she wanted to hit 200.  *** I’m not sure if she was talking about the speed or her age.

Friday, Mar 16, 2014

1.        A new anti-depressant has been found to suppress levels of a protein associated with Alzheimer’s.  ***  It might not help you remember things, but it will make you happy that you forgot.

2.        After Casey Kasem’s wife said she took the former disc jockey out of the country for medical care, a judge demanded that she disclose his whereabouts.  ***  Or at least the Top 40 possible locations.

3.        Former “Top 40” DJ Casey Kasem has now been found in Washington State, and there were rumors that he had been on an Indian reservation.  ***  I believe he was heard on the tribal radio station saying, “And climbing up the charts at number five is the latest rain dance by the Apaches…”

4.        According to a recent survey, the country’s rudest drivers are in Houston, Texas, while the friendliest drivers are in Portland, Oregon.  ***  Like Houston, the drivers in Portland also speed, tailgate, cut others off and slam on their brakes… but they do it with a smile. 

5.        Justin Bieber is being investigated by Los Angeles police after reports that he grabbed a woman’s cell phone because she took his picture.  ***  After further investigation, it was found that he took her phone because she didn’t take his picture. 

6.        Alec Baldwin was arrested in New York City for riding his bike in the wrong direction on a one-way street and for acting in a violent, threatening manner toward police.   ***  Just goes to show—you should never interrupt people who are on their way to an anger management class.

7.        This week headlines in an Iranian newspaper read, “America’s nightmare has become a reality.” The story described how Iran had duplicated an American drone with bombing capability.  ***   Oh, thank goodness.  I was afraid they were going to say the Kardashians had taken over the White House.

8.        A study by Stanford University shows that transfusion of blood from younger people can reverse signs of aging in seniors.  ***  But, there are disturbing side effects, including tattoos, body piercings and excessive use of the word “dude.”

9.        The U.S. military plans to destroy $1.2 billion worth of ammunition because, due to weak inventory tracking, they aren’t sure it’s still usable.   ***  In fact, they have an entire warehouse full of arrows, spears and musket balls.

10.     General Motors is recalling 50,000 SUV’s with faulty fuel gages.  ***  It’s actually a special kind of gage that tells you many more miles you can drive before the next recall.

Friday, May 2, 2014

1.        Walmart has announced it will start offering auto insurance.  ***   Coverage and rates will be competitive with other providers, but to file a claim you have to go to China.

2.        Researchers at IBM have developed a new computer named “Debater” that can argue.   ***   It’s very powerful, but every day they have to convince it to turn on.

3.        Today is “National Honesty Day.”  ***  Actually, it was Monday, but since it’s not today, I can say it is.

4.        Al Feldstein, the man who catapulted Mad magazine into an icon of pop culture, has died at the age of 88.  ***  But Mad magazine is no longer the leader in published cynicism, satire and slapstick.  For that, we now have the Congressional Record.

5.        In a speech to the National Rifle Association, Sarah Palin said that if she were president she would baptize terrorists by waterboarding them.  ***   However, she said their godparents could attend and afterwards there would be a nice cake and ice cream reception.

6.        More than 100 attendees at a food safety summit in Maryland came down with food poisoning.  ***  We haven’t seen that kind of irony since 100 women got pregnant at a Planned Parenthood convention.

7.        Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda has been suspended for ten games for using a foreign substance to help him grip the ball better.  ***  Apparently the illegal use of sticky material is fairly common, but you know things are getting out of hand when the umpire has to send a Haz-Mat truck to the mound.

8.        After Paul Simon and his wife were each given a misdemeanor summons for domestic violence, they separated by one of them leaving the courtroom first and going to a different location.   ***  OK, that makes 51 ways.

9.        A new machine called the “Pothole Killer” can be operated by one man and can fill a pothole with special patching material in 2 minutes.  Doing it the old way, it would take four workers to fill a pothole.  ***  Or maybe five if they were small and the hole was deep.

10.     Because some specialized Lego sets now cost several hundred dollars, an entrepreneur in California has started a Netflix-type business that lets you rent a set.  ***  And for an extra fee, they’ll also mail you a kid to assemble it.

Friday, Apr 25

1.        Nissan has a developed a “self cleaning” car that uses a special nano technology paint to repel dirt and grime.  ***  Meanwhile, General Motors has a slightly different approach to keeping your car clean:  A free car wash with every recall.

2.        “The Amazing Spiderman 2” premiered in New York City yesterday and all the stars of the show were there.  ***   Except for Spiderman himself.  He’s the military assistance that Joe Biden promised to Ukraine.

3.        Justin Bieber apologized for stopping at a controversial shrine in Japan, saying that he didn’t realize it commemorated Japanese war criminals.  ***  He promised to come back in a couple days and throw eggs at it.

4.        Al Gore’s daughter got married last week, and the former VP walked her down the aisle.  ***   When they got to the altar, the groom had to wake her up.

5.        General Motors is running ads that show real people unable to identify a new model as a Buick.  ***  Of course, that’s without the normal clues, such as a straw hat on the rear shelf, garage scrapes on the sides and the AARP bumper sticker.

6.        A man in Fredricksburg, Virginia found $1,000 in an envelope in a Walmart parking lot and turned it into the police.   ***  Authorities have been unable to figure out why someone with $1,000 would have been shopping at Walmart.

7.        According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, many college loans co-signed by a parent or grandparent must be immediately paid in full if that relative dies.   ***  So, a lesson for seniors:  Co-signing a college loan is a great way to keep the kids and grandkids from pulling the plug.

8.        The U.S. is planning military exercises in the Black Sea this summer, including the use of trained dolphins.  Military experts say it’s possible that Russian military dolphins will be active in the same area at the same time.  ***  Well, I think we’re going to be in trouble.  Vladimir Putin probably has nasty dolphins with names like Killer, Sea Devil and Carnage, while President Obama’s have names like Flipper, Squeaky and Splash.

9.        Spain now has a senior citizen home for gays, lesbians and transsexuals.  ***  It’s a little awkward—most of the residents can’t remember which they are.

10.     A 15 year old boy survived a flight from California to Hawaii after stowing away in a jet’s wheel well, even though the outside air temperature dropped far below freezing and there was very little oxygen.  ***  But he had a lot more legroom than coach.

Friday, Apr 11, 2014

1.        A recent labor agreement in France prohibits employers from calling workers at home in the evening.  ***  But the employers aren’t too concerned—they can still reach most employees at their mistress’s.

2.        Arthur Smith, the man who wrote the song “Dueling Banjos,” has died at the age of 93.  ***  He asked that the tune be played as background music when his heirs start arguing over his will.

3.        A nursing home in East Neck, New York hired male strippers to entertain the seniors, and the son of one of residents became furious and sued the nursing home after seeing a photo of his mother stuffing money into a dancer’s underwear.  ***  I believe his exact words were, “Hey!  That’s my inheritance!”

4.        Mickey Rooney’s will revealed that his estate was only worth $18,000.   ***  I guess when Andy Hardy and the kids “put on a show” they should have raised the ticket prices.

5.        After a three-month dispute during which Direct TV dropped the Weather Channel, the two companies finally reached an agreement.  The Weather Channel then apologized to its viewers … *** … and promised to make up for it by forecasting all temperatures ten degrees higher.

6.        An inventor in England has created ice cream that glows in the dark.  ***  Unfortunately, it keeps on glowing after it reaches your waist and hips.

7.        Simon Cowell says he is not proud of having had an affair with his best friend’s wife and getting her pregnant, but having a child has put things in perspective and he is intent on achieving a better “work-life balance.”  ***   In other words, in the future he’ll have half his affairs at work and half of them at home.

8.        Authorities have uncovered two very sophisticated drug trafficking tunnels under the Mexican border near San Diego, complete with rail systems, electrical power and ventilation.  ***  As well as a tourist information center, a duty free shop and a McDonald’s.

9.        In an interview on CNN, Nancy Pelosi blamed former Vice President Dick Cheney for misleading the American people about the nature and extent of the CIA’s interrogation techniques.  ***   Yes, I believe it was Dick Cheney who said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you have to tie him to the board.”

10.     McDonald’s has closed all its restaurants in Crimea.  ***   It was actually because of Ronald McDonald.  Ever since Putin annexed the region there has been confusion whenever people referred to “That clown in Russia.”

Friday, Apr 4, 2014

1.        Scientists at the University of California have finally determined why zebras evolved with stripes;  it’s to deter biting flies, which avoid objects that are black and white.   ***  In fact, a later experiment showed that flies swarmed to the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

2.        The governors of Arizona and Nevada are proposing construction of a 290-mile interstate highway linking Phoenix and Las Vegas, although the project would take several years to complete.  ***   However, a Mexican drug cartel has offered to build a tunnel between the two cities in six months, tops.

3.        Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife of 30 years has been finalized.   ***  Actually, they had never actually gotten married; he just annexed her.

4.        Sales of diet sodas declined 3% in 2013 as Americans increasingly avoided artificial sweeteners.  ***  According to financial experts, the only thing we want artificially sweetened is our economic data.

5.        Charles H. Keating, Jr., who was at the center of the savings and loan failures in the 1980’s, has died at the age of 90.  ***   He will be buried in a safety deposit box.

6.        The world’s largest Ferris wheel, the 550-foot “High Roller,” has just opened in Las Vegas.  ***  Unfortunately, it operates like a roulette wheel, so sometimes you have to stay on for dozens of spins before your car stops at the unloading station.

7.        North Korea fired more than 100 artillery shells into South Korea’s territorial waters, and the South retaliated by shooting into the waters off North Korea.   ***   You know things are getting serious when they try to kill each other’s fish.

8.        For the fourth year in a row, Justin Beiber won “Fan’s Choice” at Canada’s Juno Music Awards in Winnipeg.   ***  Yeah, but he’ll be dethroned as soon as they find one hockey player who can sing.

9.        Deceased fashion designer L’Wren Scott left all of her worldly belongings to her companion of 13 years, Mick Jagger.   ***   Alas, her list of assets did not include “satisfaction.”

10.     A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal has just sold at auction. It was estimated to bring $100,000, but four bidders drove the final bid up to $1.1 million.   ***  Don’t you think there’s something wrong about bidders fighting for a Peace Prize medal?