Friday, Apr 25

1.        Nissan has a developed a “self cleaning” car that uses a special nano technology paint to repel dirt and grime.  ***  Meanwhile, General Motors has a slightly different approach to keeping your car clean:  A free car wash with every recall.

2.        “The Amazing Spiderman 2” premiered in New York City yesterday and all the stars of the show were there.  ***   Except for Spiderman himself.  He’s the military assistance that Joe Biden promised to Ukraine.

3.        Justin Bieber apologized for stopping at a controversial shrine in Japan, saying that he didn’t realize it commemorated Japanese war criminals.  ***  He promised to come back in a couple days and throw eggs at it.

4.        Al Gore’s daughter got married last week, and the former VP walked her down the aisle.  ***   When they got to the altar, the groom had to wake her up.

5.        General Motors is running ads that show real people unable to identify a new model as a Buick.  ***  Of course, that’s without the normal clues, such as a straw hat on the rear shelf, garage scrapes on the sides and the AARP bumper sticker.

6.        A man in Fredricksburg, Virginia found $1,000 in an envelope in a Walmart parking lot and turned it into the police.   ***  Authorities have been unable to figure out why someone with $1,000 would have been shopping at Walmart.

7.        According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, many college loans co-signed by a parent or grandparent must be immediately paid in full if that relative dies.   ***  So, a lesson for seniors:  Co-signing a college loan is a great way to keep the kids and grandkids from pulling the plug.

8.        The U.S. is planning military exercises in the Black Sea this summer, including the use of trained dolphins.  Military experts say it’s possible that Russian military dolphins will be active in the same area at the same time.  ***  Well, I think we’re going to be in trouble.  Vladimir Putin probably has nasty dolphins with names like Killer, Sea Devil and Carnage, while President Obama’s have names like Flipper, Squeaky and Splash.

9.        Spain now has a senior citizen home for gays, lesbians and transsexuals.  ***  It’s a little awkward—most of the residents can’t remember which they are.

10.     A 15 year old boy survived a flight from California to Hawaii after stowing away in a jet’s wheel well, even though the outside air temperature dropped far below freezing and there was very little oxygen.  ***  But he had a lot more legroom than coach.

Friday, Apr 11, 2014

1.        A recent labor agreement in France prohibits employers from calling workers at home in the evening.  ***  But the employers aren’t too concerned—they can still reach most employees at their mistress’s.

2.        Arthur Smith, the man who wrote the song “Dueling Banjos,” has died at the age of 93.  ***  He asked that the tune be played as background music when his heirs start arguing over his will.

3.        A nursing home in East Neck, New York hired male strippers to entertain the seniors, and the son of one of residents became furious and sued the nursing home after seeing a photo of his mother stuffing money into a dancer’s underwear.  ***  I believe his exact words were, “Hey!  That’s my inheritance!”

4.        Mickey Rooney’s will revealed that his estate was only worth $18,000.   ***  I guess when Andy Hardy and the kids “put on a show” they should have raised the ticket prices.

5.        After a three-month dispute during which Direct TV dropped the Weather Channel, the two companies finally reached an agreement.  The Weather Channel then apologized to its viewers … *** … and promised to make up for it by forecasting all temperatures ten degrees higher.

6.        An inventor in England has created ice cream that glows in the dark.  ***  Unfortunately, it keeps on glowing after it reaches your waist and hips.

7.        Simon Cowell says he is not proud of having had an affair with his best friend’s wife and getting her pregnant, but having a child has put things in perspective and he is intent on achieving a better “work-life balance.”  ***   In other words, in the future he’ll have half his affairs at work and half of them at home.

8.        Authorities have uncovered two very sophisticated drug trafficking tunnels under the Mexican border near San Diego, complete with rail systems, electrical power and ventilation.  ***  As well as a tourist information center, a duty free shop and a McDonald’s.

9.        In an interview on CNN, Nancy Pelosi blamed former Vice President Dick Cheney for misleading the American people about the nature and extent of the CIA’s interrogation techniques.  ***   Yes, I believe it was Dick Cheney who said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you have to tie him to the board.”

10.     McDonald’s has closed all its restaurants in Crimea.  ***   It was actually because of Ronald McDonald.  Ever since Putin annexed the region there has been confusion whenever people referred to “That clown in Russia.”

Friday, Apr 4, 2014

1.        Scientists at the University of California have finally determined why zebras evolved with stripes;  it’s to deter biting flies, which avoid objects that are black and white.   ***  In fact, a later experiment showed that flies swarmed to the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

2.        The governors of Arizona and Nevada are proposing construction of a 290-mile interstate highway linking Phoenix and Las Vegas, although the project would take several years to complete.  ***   However, a Mexican drug cartel has offered to build a tunnel between the two cities in six months, tops.

3.        Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife of 30 years has been finalized.   ***  Actually, they had never actually gotten married; he just annexed her.

4.        Sales of diet sodas declined 3% in 2013 as Americans increasingly avoided artificial sweeteners.  ***  According to financial experts, the only thing we want artificially sweetened is our economic data.

5.        Charles H. Keating, Jr., who was at the center of the savings and loan failures in the 1980’s, has died at the age of 90.  ***   He will be buried in a safety deposit box.

6.        The world’s largest Ferris wheel, the 550-foot “High Roller,” has just opened in Las Vegas.  ***  Unfortunately, it operates like a roulette wheel, so sometimes you have to stay on for dozens of spins before your car stops at the unloading station.

7.        North Korea fired more than 100 artillery shells into South Korea’s territorial waters, and the South retaliated by shooting into the waters off North Korea.   ***   You know things are getting serious when they try to kill each other’s fish.

8.        For the fourth year in a row, Justin Beiber won “Fan’s Choice” at Canada’s Juno Music Awards in Winnipeg.   ***  Yeah, but he’ll be dethroned as soon as they find one hockey player who can sing.

9.        Deceased fashion designer L’Wren Scott left all of her worldly belongings to her companion of 13 years, Mick Jagger.   ***   Alas, her list of assets did not include “satisfaction.”

10.     A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal has just sold at auction. It was estimated to bring $100,000, but four bidders drove the final bid up to $1.1 million.   ***  Don’t you think there’s something wrong about bidders fighting for a Peace Prize medal?

Friday, Mar 28, 2014

1.        A Hasselblad camera used in NASA’s fourth moon landing has just sold at auction for nearly $1 million.  ***  “Houston, we have a profit.”

2.        Vladimir Putin has announced that he re-instating a Stalin-era physical fitness program called “Ready for Labor and Defense,” and there is serious talk about actor Steven Seagal being recruited to lead the effort.   ***   In a tough response, President Obama and the First Lady have launched their own fitness program, “Ready for Veggies,” which will be led by fitness guru Richard Simmons.

3.        The Coast Guard has inspected 140 cruise ships and found that many of them had lifeboats that did not meet minimum standards.   ***    Many of those lifeboats had no breakfast buffet, no shuffleboard and no evening entertainment.

4.        Former President Jimmy Carter believes the government is spying on him, so instead of e-mailing messages to foreign leaders he writes the letters and mails them at the post office.   ***  That walk to the post office also provides good exercise and gives him a chance to show off his protective aluminum foil hat.

5.        A three-year-old boy in California survived a three-story fall when a couple moving into a nearby house put a mattress under him after they saw him dangling from a window.  ***  Unfortunately, it was a “Sleep Number” bed and the kid had to hang on while the couple argued about what number to set.

6.        The Playtex company is recalling its Deluxe Double Electric Breast Pump because of the danger of electric shock.  ***  Wow—if you thought Playtex bras could “lift and separate” …

7.        After years of efforts by friends and relatives of forgotten heroes, President Obama awarded 24 Medals of Honor for men who should have received them long ago.  ***   Unfortunately, the application process involved a government-designed web site.

8.        Kevin Trudeau has been sentenced to ten years in prison for his diet book infomercials in which he made fraudulent claims, false promises and lies.   ***  In imposing sentence, the judge said if Mr. Trudeau wanted to do those things legally he should have been a politician.

9.        A family in Portland, Oregon had to call 911 because their 22 pound cat was acting hostile and attacking them.   ***   OK, so scratch the Jenny Craig diet.

10.     A recent study shows that life expectancy varies from country to country, but in every industrialized nation women tend to live 5 to 10 years longer than men.  Some experts say that’s because women are better at managing stress.  ***   Yes, they manage to give it to the men.

Friday, Feb 28, 2014

1.        A jihadist group in Syria has laid down 12 rules that Christians must follow.  ***  Wow.  God only gave them 10.

2.        Attorney General Eric Holder was hospitalized when he began experiencing “lightheadedness.”  He was given some medication and then released just three hours later, *** after his head returned to its normal weight.

3.        Last year the number of hate groups in the United States dropped from 1,007 to 939.   ***   And that’s in spite of the fact that the list now includes the Democratic and Republican parties.

4.        A study by Cornell University has shown that people who are in a good mood are 77% more likely to eat healthy food.  *** They’re also 77% more likely to get beat up by people who are in a bad mood.

5.        According to a survey by the IRS Oversight Board, 12% of Americans feel it’s OK to cheat on taxes.  ***   Personally, I think it’s immoral to cheat on a tax return.  That’s why I never file one.

6.        General Motors is arguing with NHTSA regarding the possible recall of 200,000 Silverado trucks with instrument displays that can briefly cut out.   ***   GM says that most drivers are busy texting and don’t even look at the instruments.

7.        An enterprising 13 year old San Francisco girl sold 117 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in two hours by setting up shop outside a medical marijuana clinic.  ***  She said the most requested cookie was “Whatever.”

8.        A spelling bee in Kansas had to be halted when the judges ran out of words.  The final two competitors—went head-to-head for 66 words.   ***  Wow, that’s amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Amazing.

9.        The closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics was highlighted by the bear mascot blowing out the flame on the Olympic torch.  ***  Amazingly, the torch had stayed lit during the entire Olympics just by burning Sochi tap water.

10.     At the Frankfurt airport in Germany, many flights had to be canceled when security workers went on strike to demand higher wages.  ***  Thus demonstrating the difference between a “pat-down” and a “shake-down.”

Friday, Feb 21, 2014

1.        The Michigan Department of Transportation says that coping with the severe winter weather has used up much of the budget for maintenance during the summer.    ***  But that’s OK because it doesn’t look like we’re ever going to have a summer.

2.        Spike TV is coming out with a miniseries that chronicles the decade-long dispute between casino moguls Donald Trump and Steve Wynn.   ***  I believe the name of the show is “Who Cares?”

3.        Legislators in Kansas have introduced a bill that would permit teachers to spank students harder—even hard enough to cause redness and bruising.  They claim it would help improve discipline  ***  and let them cut down on waterboarding.

4.        An American warship assigned to provide protection near Sochi has run aground.  ***  Thus giving the United States a gold medal in the “national embarrassment” competition.    

5.        In Los Angeles, the foundation for the New Wilshire Grand skyscraper is expected to set a world record for the largest continuous cement pour, involving 2,100 truckloads of cement.  ***  It is also expected to set a new record for the number of mafia victims buried in a single pour.

6.        Lamar Odom has signed on with a basketball team in Spain.  He would have preferred continuing with the NBA, but he wanted to get a fresh start, re-establish his credibility  *** and get as far away from the Kardashians as possible.

7.        After a West Chester University student was denied a $10,000 prize for sinking a half-court shot in a basketball contest because of technicality, Pizza Hut stepped in and gave him the money.  ***  And, in a further effort to reward unbelievable  performances, Pizza Hut also offered to pay $10,000 for any basket made by the Milwaukee Bucks.

8.        After a breakdown in the Syrian peace talks, Syria’s foreign minister accused the United States of creating a “negative climate.”   ***   Yep. In fact, that’s our latest version of global climate change.

9.        Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill.  They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools.  ***  And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.

10.     According to Time magazine, the most influential candy bar of all time is the “Kit Kat” bar:

One reason is that it’s the first candy marketed with the theme of “sharing.”   ***  Even though there has never been a documented case of anybody ever actually sharing one.

Secondly, its commercials have a jingle (Gimme a break…Gimme a break…) that you can’t get out of your head.  ***  And eating them gives you a jiggle that you can’t get out of your waist.

Friday, Feb 14, 2014

2014-02-14

1.     Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill.  They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools.  ***  And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.

2.     Archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have found evidence that camels were not domesticated until the 10^th century B.C., indicating that early parts of the Old Testament were not written by first-hand eyewitnesses.   ***  They also say that God did NOT create the camel on the third day of the Creation as some sort of “hump day” joke.

3.     A Rutgers professor was suspended after telling students he was not qualified to teach the class he was assigned.  ***  I guess he should learn to hide his feelings of incompetency…like Joe Biden.

4.     The Cuban government issued official photographs of Fidel Castro meeting with the president of Argentina, but they had been altered to eliminate Castro’s hearing aid.  ***  They don’t want citizens to get the mistaken impression that the government actually listens.

5.     Penguins at the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in England are being given anti-depressant pills to help them make it through this year’s miserable winter weather.   ***  I believe those are the same pills being given to Prince Charles to help him make it through his marriage to Camilla.

6.     Toyota is recalling 1.9 million Prius’s because of a condition that can cause them to suddenly slow down.  ***  I believe that condition is called “a hill.”

7.     Athletes at the Olympics have been told they cannot have helmet decals or armbands that commemorate fellow athletes who have died.  ***  However, they are allowed to display names of competitors who they wish were dead.  

8.     There have been a lot of surprises in the Olympics so far.  ***   For example, Ukraine took a gold medal in “solo hijacking.”

9.     The Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony was especially exciting with all the pyrotechnics.   ***  Every third firework was actually the launch of a short-range ballistic missile.

10.  Last Friday a man was arrested after trying to climb over the White House fence.  ***  It was Joe Biden, trying to get out.