News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 23, 2015

1.        According to Sunday’s Detroit Free Press, the FBI is continuing to investigate a local criminal ring that has been selling human body parts.  ***  In fact, there is evidence that Jim Caldwell may have recently purchased a new arm for Matthew Stafford.

2.        Oslo, Norway plans to be car-free by 2019.  ***   However, with all the car thefts and carjackings, Detroit may beat them to it.

3.        Researchers at Duke University found that many nail polishes contain TPHP, a chemical that can enter the body and cause hormonal dysfunction.  ***  On the plus side, people will compliment you on your great looking nails. On the negative side, you’ll have an inexplicable urge to scratch their eyes out.

4.        Presidential candidates Ben Carson and Donald Trump are asking for Secret Service protection…***…from each other.

5.        Speaking at an industry conference in San Francisco, Linked-In CEO Jeff Weiner described the difference between a manager and a visionary.  ***  I believe the visionary gets to put his feet up on the desk.

6.        On this date in history:  1960 – The first fully mechanized post office opens in Providence, Rhode Island.  ***  For the first time ever, letters can be lost automatically.

7.        On this date in history: 1774 - In defiance of British rule, colonists in Taunton, Massachusetts raise the first flag displaying the word "Liberty.”   ***  Unfortunately, Betsy Ross was exhausted and said she’d never do another flag with text on it.

8.        On this date in history: 1897 -  The world's first car dealership opens in London.  ***  Showroom traffic is a bit slow while waiting for the automobile to be invented.

9.        On this date in history: 1938 - Chester Carlson demonstrates the first Xerox copying machine. ***  He then hopped off and pulled up his pants.

10.     On this date in history: 1814 – The world’s first plastic surgery is performed.  ***  I believe the patient was a Ms. Kardashian.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 16, 2015

1.        In a recent essay about wage inequality for women, Jennifer Lawrence complained about the difficulty of remaining “adorable” while being a tough negotiator.  ***  Well, she could paint a happy face on the nail of her middle finger.

2.        ABC is canceling “Celebrity Wife Swap.” ***  Well, they canceled the TV show.  The celebrities, of course, will continue swapping wives.

3.        After visiting prisoners at San Quentin this week, Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg called for major prison reforms.  ***   His first proposal is a new web site for inmates:  Mugbook.

4.        At Wal-Mart’s annual shareholders meeting, CEO Doug McMillon announced that the chain store will begin targeting more upscale customers.  ***  Those would be the people wearing designer flip-flops.

5.        In an interview on “60 Minutes,” President Obama said that Hillary Clinton’s use of a personal e-mail server was a mistake, but she did not endanger national security.  ***  He said she’d have to be elected president to do that.

6.        On this date in history:  1966 – More than 100 anti-draft demonstrators, including Joan Baez, are arrested in Oakland.  ***  However, they win a Grammy for the protest with the best music ever.

7.        On this date in history:  1860 - 11-year-old Grace Bedell writes to Abraham Lincoln, tells him to grow a beard.  ***  Lincoln writes back, tells her to get a life.

8.        On this date in history:  1937 - Ernest Hemingway’s novel "To Have & Have Not" is published. ***  Unfortunately, the “Have Nots” have to wait for the less expensive paperback version.

9.        On this date in history:  1902 - President Roosevelt threatens to respond to a miners’ strike by using army troops to work the coal mines.  ***  Soldiers reportedly say, “Hey, just a minute…”

10.     On this date in history:  1968 - Norma Enriqueta Basilio Satelo becomes the first woman to light the Olympic flame.  ***  Fortunately, the organizers resisted the urge to play “Come On, Baby Light My Fire.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 9, 2015

1.        A man in India divorced his wife by using WhatsApp to text a “triple talaq,” which is stating three times that he is divorcing her.  Experts are now reviewing the case to see if the use of texting was valid.  ***  They’re not sure if the man needed to actually type the divorce statement three times, or if it was OK to just copy and paste.

2.        Lawsuits have been filed against Hershey’s, Nestle and Mars, accusing them of using slave child labor to harvest the cocoa used to make chocolate.  ***  A lawsuit was also filed against a Mr. Willy Wonka, who claims that despite their short stature, his workers--the Oompa Loompas--are all adults.

3.        Investigators from several countries are trying to determine why the terror group ISIS has so many Toyotas that have been converted for military use.   ***  Darn it--If they had Volkswagens then all their vehicles could be recalled because of the emissions problem.

4.        According to Orbiz, today is the cheapest day to buy tickets for Thanksgiving air travel.  ***   However, most people don’t know this far in advance if they’ll still be on good terms with their relatives.

5.        Hilary Clinton says she loves being on Saturday Night Live because it’s such a creative process and they’re constantly rewriting her lines right up to show time.  ***   She says it’s just like testifying at a Benghazi hearing.

6.        On this date in history:  1000 - Leif Ericson reputedly becomes the first European to reach North America by landing in Canada. ***  His buddies give him the nickname “Maple Leif.”

7.        On this date in history:  876 – In the Battle of Andernach at the Rhine River, “Louis the Younger” defeats “Charles the Bald.”  *** Millennials 1, Seniors 0.

8.        On this date in history:  1818 - Two English boxers are the first to use padded gloves.   ***   It was also the first documented use of the term “Wuss!”

9.        On this date in history:  1856 - Cyrus Chambers Jr. patents a machine that folds newspapers.  ***  Of course, these days many newspapers are folding all by themselves.

10.     On this date in history:  1956 - "The Ten Commandments," directed by Cecil B. DeMille and starring Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner, opens in the U.S.  ***  It’s kind of like church, but with popcorn.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 25, 2015

1.        Experts say the most popular fashion accessory this fall will be the beret.  ***  Although white beanies are now expected be a close second.

2.        Native Americans are asking the government to rename the Wyoming rock formation known as “Devils Tower” because it implies that Indians used it as a site for devil worship  ***  and presidential campaign rallies.

3.        For a limited time, several McDonald’s restaurants in Sweden will allow customers to make reservations.  ***  It’s very classy—after you sit down at your table, a waiter takes your order and then goes up and stands in line for you.

4.        A woman in Syracuse, NY jumped out of her moving car when she saw a spider crawling on her shoulder.  ***

Itsy bitsy spider climbed up the driver’s neck,

                            Driver jumped out and caused a massive wreck.
                            Out popped the air bag and smashed the critter flat,
                            But the itsy bitsy spider sure got the final laugh.

5.        A Nebraska man claims he became ill because of traces of meth in his hotel room coffee pot.  ***  You know, maybe he shouldn’t have selected the K-Cup that had a picture of Walter White on top.

6.        On this date in history:  1561 - King Philip II of Spain forbids Spanish settlements in Florida.  ***  Thus missing the opportunity to establish a really lucrative chain of retirement villages.

7.        On this date in history:  1625 – The Dutch attack San Juan, Puerto Rico.  ***   Unfortunately, those wooden shoes pretty much ruined the element of surprise.

8.        On this date in history:  1837 - Charles Tiffany founded his jewelry & china store.  ***  But, he declines to serve breakfast.

9.        On this date in history:  1960 - Chubby Checker's "Twist" hits #1  ***   Chiropractors rejoice.

10.     On this date in history:  1989 - "Baywatch," starring David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, debuts on NBC.   ***  Viewers immediately start demanding high def TV.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 18, 2015

1.        The Humane Society of Utah has dramatically increased the number of pet adoptions by partnering with Guinnevere Shuster to photograph the available animals in various poses like a photo booth.  ***   Ms. Shuster now finds her “photo booth photography” in high demand by desperate people on match.com.

2.        A study in the “Journal of Nutrition” compared the health benefits of natural honey vs. high-fructose corn syrup and found that there was very little difference.  ***  Phase two of the study will compare the effects of calling your spouse “honey” vs. “corn syrup.”   

3.        Dr. Oz’s TV show is changing direction and will now feature medical experts whose advice is backed up by solid research.  *** Viewers who still want unfounded hype with outrageous claims and no scientific basis will have to wait for the commercials.

4.        Police have arrested a man for crawling under tables and smelling women’s feet in the library at Florida International University.  ***  Just one more example of why libraries will never be replaced by the Internet.

5.        In order to highlight the state’s policy on immigrants, Governor Rick Snyder has declared this “Welcoming Week in Michigan.”  ***  Of course, next week they’ll all have to leave.

6.        Ringo Starr is auctioning off many of his belongings, and the drum set he used in 200 Beatles performances and recordings in 1963 and 1964 could fetch half a million dollars.  ***  Surprisingly, it’s even more valuable than the drum sets he used in later years, after he actually learned to play.

7.        New York City has finally opened an extension of its subway system for the first time in many years.  ***  Because of a city ordinance, opening was delayed until they had recruited and trained the required number of street musicians, panhandlers and pickpockets.

8.        American Airlines officials confirmed that they used a plane for a flight to Hawaii that was not properly equipped.  It did not have the required medical oxygen, extra fire-suppression canister…***…and grass skirts for the flight attendants.

9.        On this date in history:  1848 - Baseball rules changed so the 1st baseman can tag base for the out instead of the runner   ***  However, for close calls they still needed instant replay, in which players repeated the previous play in slow motion.

10.     On this date in history:  1964 - "The Addams Family", starring John Astin, Carolyn Jones, Ted Cassidy, and Jackie Coogan, premieres on ABC.   ***   It was Hollywood’s first attempt to create TV characters who are weirder than the real people in Hollywood.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 11, 2015

1.        In Philadelphia, tickets to Pope Francis’ events were snapped up in minutes, and authorities are warning the public to be on the lookout for counterfeits.  ***  No, I think it’s going to be the real pope.

2.        Kraft is recalling many of its “cheese singles” because consumers might leave part of the plastic wrap on the cheese when they eat it, which could have dangerous results.  ***  People will find out the plastic has more flavor.

3.        Researchers at the University of New Mexico say people began enjoying caffeinated drinks nearly 1,000 years ago.  ***   Although it was sometimes difficult to take their horse to the ride-thru.

4.        Heavy rains in parts of Spain have turned roads into raging rivers.   ***   In Pamplona, plans are being made for a new event, the Swimming of the Bulls.

5.        A federal judge has ruled that Costco fraudulently mis-labeled diamond engagement rings as being made by Tiffany.  ***  The judge also ruled that every cheapskate customer has 30 days to tell his fiancé he bought her ring at Costco.

6.        In a survey by the Pew Research Center, 57% of Millennials said their generation is not greedy.  ***  The other 43% demanded payment for filling out the survey.

7.        The Full Throttle Saloon, the huge biker bar in Sturgis, North Dakota, was destroyed by fire Tuesday night.  ***  Bikers have been terrified of fire ever since they heard that tattoo ink is flammable.

8.        Kraft is expanding the recall of its cheese “singles” because of a choking hazard.  ***  If you tell someone it’s real cheese, they start choking.

9.        Tori Spelling is suing Benihana’s because she fell onto a cooking griddle and burned her arms.  ***  Which is the only time in recent years that she’s been a hot actress.

10.     A California man has been arrested and charged with stealing a copy of O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy.  He faces up to 6 years imprisonment  ***  in a copy of a jail cell.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 4, 2015

1.        In New York City a woman gave birth to a baby girl in the backseat of an Uber car.  ***  Now, how is that kid going to feel when she grows up and finds out that Mom was too cheap to give birth in the backseat of a real taxi?

2.        Researchers at Purdue University say that when urine and chlorine combine they make the kind of toxic compounds that are used in chemical weapons.  ***   So, their advice is obvious: If you ever have the urge to pee in a swimming pool, get out and stand at the edge.

3.        A 9 year old girl complained that pajama bottoms sold by Vineyard Vines were called “lounge pants” for boys but “lazy pants” for girls, so the store changed the names. ***  In the interest of political correctness, now they’re both called “Denali.”

4.        Some people are skeptical, but Poland’s Deputy Culture Minister said he is “99%” sure that two fortune hunters really have found the legendary Nazi-era “gold train” loaded with treasures.  ***  Is he related to the guy who was 99% sure that Hitler was just coming for a short visit?

5.        In effort to attract more shoppers, Kroger is installing beer taps in some of its stores.  ***   And, hopefully, a few more restrooms.

6.        At the MTV music awards show, Kanye West announced that he was running for president, but later explained that he had smoked some pot before announcing his candidacy.  ***  Unlike all the other presidential candidates, who had no excuse whatsoever.

7.        President Obama is going to appear on the wilderness reality show Running Wild With Bear Grylls, in which he and Mr. Grylls will travel throughout Alaska, ***  renaming all the national monuments along the way.

8.        According to an article in the journal Pharmacology, some prescription drugs can cause depression.  ***  For example, if they’re really expensive.

9.        Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is proposing construction of a wall at the U.S.- Canada border.  ***  Canada says they’ll pay for it.

10.     In Detroit, someone fired 20 shots from a high powered rifle into the home of an 84 year old woman.  ***  Lesson for seniors: Be careful when you order that $99 air conditioning.