News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 22, 2019

1.   Major League Baseball has renamed the “Disabled List” and it is now the “Injured List.”   ***   They also added several sub-categories, including the “Tummy Ache List,” the “Ouchie List” and the “Hurts-Like-Hell” list. 

2.   Actor Jussie Smollett, who had claimed to be a victim of a racist attack, has been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, which carries a maximum sentence of three years in jail.  ***  Authorities who reviewed Mr. Smollett’s report said he could also face several additional months of incarceration for errors in spelling, grammar and punctuation.

3.   According to a recent ranking based on environment, health and other factors, the worst place to grow old is in the state of West Virginia.  ***   Actually, the worst place to grow old is in your state of mind (but West Virginia is a close second).

4.   In an interview with TMZ, O.J. Simpson said Roger Stone should “man up and quit crying.”  ***  He also said Mr. Stone should make his hands swell up so the gloves don’t fit.

5.   A Delta flight made an emergency landing in Reno after the plane hit turbulence which was so severe that the drink cart overturned and five passengers were seriously injured.  ***  They got hurt fighting over all the spilled little liquor bottles.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 15, 2019

1.   A human foot has mysteriously washed up on Canada’s western shore, and authorities say this has happened several times before.  ***   In fact, many Canadians became alarmed when a recent surf report mentioned three-foot waves.

2.   Although President Obama had previously installed a “golf simulator” in the White House, President Trump has just spent $50,000 of his own money to replace it with a more sophisticated system.   ***   Mr. Trump’s set-up is so realistic he has to drive his golf cart between shots.

3.   In a recent interview, 74 year old Michael Douglas said he’s finding a lot of benefits to getting older.   ***  On the other hand, he said maybe it’s just because he’s handsome, famous and incredibly wealthy.

4.   After her flight arrived late in Houston and she ran to make her connecting flight to Los Angeles, “Big Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik had the boarding door shut in her face, possibly because she was carrying a small suitcase.  *** Or, maybe it’s because she was clutching that suitcase and frantically running toward the plane while trying to leverage her celebrity status by yelling “Big Bang!  Big Bang!”

5.   Three weeks after rolling his Land Rover, 97 year old Prince Philip announced it’s time to stop driving.  ***  He said his decision wasn’t prompted by the accident, but rather, because it’s getting too hard to remember where he put the car keys.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 8, 2019

1.   As President Trump prepared for his annual physical, the deputy press secretary revealed that Mr. Trump was previously given a diet plan, but “the President admits he has not followed it religiously.”  ***   He also said the President’s idea of following a diet plan religiously is to eat fries and Big Macs in a church.

2.   Since many women were wearing white as a sign of solidarity during the President’s State of the Union Address, some viewers wondered why Elizabeth Warren wore a blue outfit.   ***  I believe it was a sign of protest after the Secret Service told her she couldn’t bring in a “ceremonial tomahawk.”

3.   Viewers watching the State of the Union address last night wondered why Melania Trump had one glove on and one glove off during the event.   ***    Well, perhaps she’s like me—I mean, that’s what I do when it’s cold but I need to pick my nose.

4.   Tyson Foods is recalling 36,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because of contamination with bits of rubber.  ***  Initially, they just thought the latest batch came from unusually bouncy chickens.

5.   In Indonesia, a teenage boy and girl were sentenced to 98 days in jail and then flogged for affectionately cuddling in public.  ***.  Their lawyer denied the charges and pointed out that teenagers would never do anything that required putting down their cell phones.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 1, 2019

1.   In a recent interview on the Christian Broadcasting Network, Sarah Sanders claimed that God “wanted Donald Trump to become president.” ***  She went on to say that God could have influenced the election by just stuffing the ballot boxes, but for some reason decided to work through the Russians.

2.   Pop star Ariana Grande got a Japanese tattoo to celebrate her new hit song, “7 Rings,” but the botched symbol actually translates as “barbecue grill.” *** To make the best of a bad situation, Ms. Grande is now looking for a tattoo artist who can draw a really nice hibachi.

3.   Walmart announced it will soon be paying its drivers an average of $90,000 a year.  ***  And that doesn’t even include the standard employee benefits of free flip-flops and generous discounts on tank tops.

4.   The FDA says there’s a shortage of medicine to treat high blood pressure because of a recent recall.   ***  And because of a recent surge in orders from the White House.

5.   A postal worker in Kansas City, Missouri escaped injury when his mail truck suddenly exploded.   ***   Postal Service officials apologized and said the Priority Mail tracking system could not give the locations of individual fragments.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 25, 2019

1.   According to a study at the University of Iowa, a daily serving of fried chicken will increase your risk of any early death by 13%.  ***  Of course, that percentage is a lot higher if you’re the chicken.

2.   In a new biography of Eva Braun, the author claims Ms. Braun never had sex with Hitler because of pain due to a rare gynecological condition.  ***   Apparently when dealing with a Fuehrer you have to come up with something better than just a headache.

3.   After having an accident with his SUV, 97 year old Prince Philip is scheduled to take a “driver awareness” class.  ***  Senior Awareness Lesson #1: “If there’s a steering wheel is in front of you, you’re probably the driver.”

4.   In Texas, a woman has been banned from the Wichita Falls Walmart after she spent several hours driving an electric cart around the parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can.   ***  Or, as several Walmart shoppers described it, “fashionable travel mug.”  

5.   In the obituary for an 87 year old Louisville woman, her family added the comment, “Her passing was hastened by her continued frustration with the Trump administration.”  ***  After intense criticism, the family later admitted that the Trump administration did not actually hasten her death—it just made her look forward to it.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 18, 2019

1.   Members of an Australian airline flight crew have been charged with smuggling millions of dollars in heroin and methamphetamines.   ***   Authorities became suspicious after passengers complained there was never any room left in the overhead bins.

2.   A Paris restaurant that opened in 2017 to serve people in the nude is now closing due to a lack of customers.   ***   With apologies to 1992 presidential candidate Ross Perot, that giant sucking sound you hear is actually naked people getting up from vinyl seats.

3.   According to a recent study at Princeton, Facebook posts of fake news are shared seven times more often by people over 65.   ***   The university researchers said they were shocked by the results; they had no idea that seniors actually knew how to share a post.

4.   Kroger announced it is recalling most of its shrimp products.  ***  They sell special food for short people?

5.   The patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church says smart phones are paving the way for the Antichrist.   ***   Wow—These days there’s an app for everything.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 11, 2019

1.     The National Center for Health Statistics announced the bad news that U.S. birth rates are now too low to sustain current population levels, and they said the country’s lowest birth rate is in Washington D.C.   ***  The good news is that that’s the one place where we don’t want people to reproduce.

2.     Because men in Saudi Arabia can divorce their wives without telling them, the courts there have begun informing women of their divorces by texting them.  ***  And, to provide support to the newly divorced women, the texts also include the relevant legal documents, words of sympathy and a link to a good dating app.

3.     Several departing passengers at the Baltimore airport were injured when using the boarding jetway.   ***   Gate officials apologized, but said no one would have been hurt if there had actually been a plane waiting at the other end.

4.     Yesterday, in response to charges of sexual assault, Kevin Spacey made his first appearance in a courtroom in Nantucket.   ***   Legal experts say it was the first time formal charges had ever been read in the form of a limerick.

5.     Online dating observers say yesterday was the busiest day of the year for cyber-dating because people are lonely from holiday break-ups, they’ve made a New Year’s resolution to find someone new, and they really want to connect before Valentine’s Day.  ***  The singles who struck out yesterday were the ones who made the mistake of putting all that in their profile.