News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 27, 2020

 

As Covid concerns continue through the holiday season, people are becoming more creative in finding ways to reduce the spread of the virus.    ***   For example, Butterball turkeys now come with a 3-foot length of string attached to each end of the wishbone.

 

Organized crime is apparently alive and well in Philadelphia, where federal racketeering, loansharking and illegal gambling charges were recently filed against 15 members of La Costa Nostra, including 60 year old Joseph “Joey Electric” Servidio and 73 year old Anthony “Tony Meatballs” Gifoli.  ***  However, experts say mob life is losing much of its appeal for aspiring young criminals who see increasing evidence that all the good nicknames have already been taken.

 

Apparently moose like to lick road salt off cars, and with winter approaching Canadian authorities are concerned about the potential consequences.  ***  For example, if you have to drag along a moose that got its tongue frozen to your car’s bumper, your gas mileage will be terrible.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 20, 2020

 

In China, seniors are protesting the government’s plans to maintain a large workforce and delay pension expenses by raising the retirement age, which is currently set at 60 years old.   ***   In a hard-fought compromise, officials have agreed that--in lieu of formal retirement--workers over age 60 will be permitted to start the day whenever they feel like it, take long afternoon naps, scratch wherever it itches, and complain about nearly everything.        

 

Carl Lentz, the pastor of Hillsong mega-church, was fired by the church’s founder, Brian Houston, because of "moral failures." Pastor Lentz had been a spiritual adviser to many celebrities, including pop star Justin Bieber  *** Or, as Pastor Houston calls him, “Exhibit A.” 

 

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly demanding a fee of $20,000 per day to continue handling President Trump’s legal work and representing the president in court.  ***  Democrats are scrambling to come up with the money.

 

In Haines City, Florida, James Blight, 26, was arrested for stealing a bulldozer, knocking down a fence, and destroying political campaign signs on residential lawns.   ***   Thousands of Florida residents immediately offered to post bail for Mr. Blight and asked if he could provide the same service for their neighbor’s plastic pink flamingos.

 

At the USA Mullet Championships, a third grader from Celeste, Texas, took first place in the kids category, where the short-in-front and long-in-back styles included the “curly mullet,” the “freedom flapper” and the “Tennessee top hat.”  ***  However, the first-time entrants in the adult category all had the same style: ”I-trimmed-the-front-by-myself-but-didn’t-trust-my-wife-with-sharp-scissors.”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 13, 2020

 

1.  McDonald’s has announced plans to provide quicker drive-thru service.   ***   Corporate officials didn't realize the lines were moving too slowly until local managers started renting porta-johns.

 

2.  While some people object to disclosing their phone number for contact tracing, old timers point out that decades ago everyone’s phone number was in the white pages.   ***  And telemarketers could be identified by the black ring around the tip of their index finger.

 

3.  The U.S. Postal Service recently announced a new zip code for Atlanta.   ***  Oh, the city moved?

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 23, 2020

 

1.   A North Carolina man was charged with attempted fraud after applying for $6 million in Paycheck Protection Program loans using fictitious names from the medieval drama "Game of Thrones"  ***  Federal authorities rejected his application and told him he missed the filing deadline by about 1,000 years.

 

2.   A fashion magazine’s series on seasonal fashion trends includes an article on “14 New Fall Styles.”  *** Call me old school, but I still prefer the classic style, where I’m walking along and my feet just kinda slip out from under me. 

 

3.   The San Diego Zoo’s gorilla exhibit has been temporarily closed to repair the viewing window which was cracked when a few gorillas got riled up and began running around the enclosure, and one gorilla aggressively slammed another one into the glass.   ***  The police are now asking for the public’s help in identifying the visitor who showed the gorillas a professional hockey game on his cell phone.

 

4.   Icon, the maker NordicTrack and other fitness machines, is suing competitor Peloton, claiming the design of Peloton’s new stationary bike infringes on several Icon patents.   ***  Icon claims it invented the general concept of a bicycle that wouldn’t actually go anywhere even if you did use it, as well as specific design features such as timer-activated fans to periodically blow off the dust and handlebars that double as clothes racks.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 16, 2020

 

1.   Actress Margaret Nolan, whose gold-painted body was the backdrop for the opening credits of “Goldfinger,” has passed away at the age of 76.   ***  Today’s riddle:  How is a gold-plated “Bond Girl” like a blow-up doll? They both become more valuable with inflation.

 

2.   Wells Fargo recently fired more than 100 employees for misrepresenting themselves to obtain money from a relief fund for small businesses.   ***   In a fraudulent attempt to capitalize on the Wells Fargo brand, the employees had identified their jobs as “stationmaster,” “stagecoach driver,” and “that guy who sits by the driver and carries a shotgun.”

 

3.   The German government has warned the King of Thailand, who frequently travels to Bavaria for extended stays, to stop trying to rule his country remotely from German soil.   ***  The monarch’s arrangement came to light when a Thai citizen noticed that the king’s most confusing edicts always seemed to coincide with Oktoberfest.  

 

4.   Wesley Barnes, the American who faced a prison sentence in Thailand for posting a negative review of the Sea View resort, has apologized for his blunt online comments and, in exchange, the resort has dropped its complaint.  ***   In a negotiated compromise regarding future reviews, authorities said Mr. Barnes would be allowed to include an occasional negative comment, and Mr. Barnes promised to use bold font, all caps, and multiple exclamation points only for the positive stuff.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 9, 2020

 

1.   Dollar General, the very profitable chain of bargain stores, announced plans for 32 up-scale stores named “Popshelf.”  ***   The company assured investors that it would continue to maintain low overheads, source products from the lowest cost suppliers, and never pay someone to come up with a good name for its stores.

 

2.   McDonald’s has added three pastries to its menu—blueberry muffins, apple fritters and cinnamon rolls—after surveys indicated a growing market for baked goods.  ***  On the other hand, previous product failures, such as Hula Burgers, Onion McNuggets and McHotDogs, showed there was no market for ideas that were only half-baked.

 

3.   British Vogue magazine has given the “Official Sandal of 2020” award to the trendy Birkenstock, which has been recommended by podiatrists for its compliant soles and extra arch support.   ***  And, for Kim Kardashian, extra support in the heels.

 

4.   Kim Richardson, a 63 year old Texas woman, has been sentenced to 54 months in prison for shoplifting millions of dollars in merchandise over the past 19 years.  ***  Ms. Richardson is surprisingly upbeat, and with her shoplifting skills expects to leave there with an entirely new wardrobe, a complete set of matching dinnerware and enough books to fill a small library.

 

5.   To better accommodate and direct large numbers of shoppers during peak periods, Walmart is changing its store layouts and signage, and is studying airports for best practices. *** Additionally, a company spokesperson announced that all new shopping carts will have two wheels and a retractable handle.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 2, 2020

 

1.   Three employees at New York’s Grand Central Terminal were suspended after it was discovered that they had converted an unused underground room into a fully equipped “man cave.”  ***    Beer fridge? Check.  Microwave oven? Check. Futon couch? Check.  Large screen TV? Check.  Ten steps away from a subway boarding platform with travel connections to anywhere in the world? Awesome!  

 

2.   A woman who gave birth onboard an airplane enroute to an Anchorage hospital has named her son Sky.  ***  He’s a lucky dude; one hour later and he would have been named Baggage Claim.     

 

3.   Marines training at Camp Lejeune have been told to stop running in the dark after three reports of coyote attacks.  ***  After a thorough investigation, a camp spokesperson said they had no idea that “Oohrah” was so similar to a coyote mating call.

 

4.   Ford has issued a recall for certain 2020 Mustangs because the bracket that holds the brake pedal may fracture during panic stops.   ***   All Ford dealerships are equipped to replace the broken brackets and clean the driver’s seat.

 

5.   Wesley Barnes, a U.S. citizen working in Thailand, was arrested for posting a negative review of the Sea View Resort on TripAdvisor and could face up to two years in prison.   ***   In hopes of getting a reduced sentence, Mr. Barnes has promised to write glowing reviews of Thai prisons, including their all-inclusive extended-stay offerings, the low-maintenance exterior landscaping, and the best food ever served with plastic utensils.