Friday, May 10, 2013

1.         Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 19 year old son Patrick was thrown out of a Hollywood  nightclub for misbehaving.  ***   The bouncer was heard to say, “I’m telling you for the last time, buddy, those are waitresses—not maids.”

2.         Lindsay Lohan is in the Betty Ford Center for rehabilitation and will be under lockdown for 90 days.   ***   If she tries to escape they’ll throw her into solitary confinement and make her watch 100 showings of “Liz & Dick.”

3.         The newest Star Trek movie, “Star Trek into Darkness,” opens this week and Paramount executives say they have done a few things to make this sequel more appealing to audiences in other countries.  ***  For example, in the movie the U.S. Congress votes to double all foreign aid, forgive all international debts and take away Madonna’s passport.

4.         The producers of “Jurassic Park 4” say that filming has been delayed to allow more time for development.  ***  For this sequel they want to come up with something really special:  A plot.

5.         Pope Francis says there is no room for “social climbers” in the clergy.   ***   He also prohibited priests from appearing on “The Kardashians,” participating in “Dancing with the Stars” and attending parties at the Playboy Mansion. 

6.         The company that makes Legos apologized to anyone offended by the figure of a construction worker that has a label saying, “Hey Babe.”  ***  You know, I think that’s totally inappropriate and inaccurate.  I believe the correct phrase is, “Hey Chickee, Chickee!  Hey Chickee, Chickee!” 

7.         Mark Sanford, the former South Carolina governor who was elected to Congress this week, says he meditates daily and likes several other aspects of Buddhism.  ***  In fact, he said he once met Buddha while hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

8.         Honey Boo Boo’s parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear, got married this past weekend.  They wore matching outfits made of camouflage fabric.  ***   You see, that’s the compromise version of eloping:  You still have a wedding, but nobody can see you.

9.         Justin Bieber’s entourage caused a commotion at the airport in Istanbul, Turkey when they walked through passport control without showing their travel documents.   ***  And the Bieber himself is in trouble for trying to sneak into the country without showing any proof of talent.

10.       Boeing has announced plans to build the world’s longest-range passenger jet with a range of 9,500 nautical miles. ***  The longer flight will give pilots more time to sober up before landing.