32 ! —
That’s the final count of how many of my jokes Jay Leno used in his monologues
on the Tonight Show. As some of you
know, every morning for the past three years I’ve submitted “Bill’s Pills” to
Jay and his staff. (I had to exclude the
ones that he used from this weekly blog because if he used it he owned it).
Of course,
I was sad and sorry to see Jay’s time on the Tonight Show come to an end last
night, but he had a great run. And for
me, being involved in a small part of all that was an absolute thrill.
But even
though Jay’s gone, Bill’s Pills will continue!
1. Archaeologists digging underneath downtown Miami say they’ve
found evidence of an ancient civilization there. *** Actually,
there’s still an ancient civilization in Miami.
(And you can find them at the early bird specials.)
2. The White House is putting on a big push to get young adults
to sign up for Obamacare. It’s a tough
sell, because people in that age group think they’re going to be healthy
forever. *** In
fact, they’re more naïve than teenagers, who merely think they’re going to live
forever.
3. The giant pharmacy chain CVS has announced that it will no
longer sell tobacco products.
*** They need the shelf space for
marijuana.
4. The former personal secretary of the late pope John-Paul
II is coming under criticism for publishing a 640 page book of the pope’s personal
notes even though John-Paul’s will said that the notes should be burned. *** Apparently
the documents contain proof that the pope had advanced knowledge of Vatican
lane closings.
5. Fans trying to leave New Jersey after attending the Super
Bowl complained about mass transit delays and overcrowding. ***
Governor Christie apologized and assured them that it was just part of a
new traffic study.
6. In a recent interview Miley Cyrus said she wants young
women to know that they don’t have to wear make-up. ***
Well, guess which celebrity doesn’t yet have her own line of cosmetics.
7. According to a poll by the Democratic firm Public Policy
Polling, NBC News and sister network MSNBC rank near the bottom of who
Americans trust for the news.
*** So, if what NBC says might
not be the truth…maybe Jay Leno’s not really fired! (Jimmy Fallon! Stay where you are! Don’t believe what they told you!).
8. In an interview on CNN, Dennis Rodman said he’d be
willing to take the place of Kenneth Bae, the American who is currently being held
in a North Korean prison. *** Thanks, but that’s really not necessary,
Dennis. The U.S. government would be
glad to put you in a prison right here in your own country.
9. Two Norwegian politicians have nominated Edward Snowden
for the Nobel Peace prize. *** Well, now we know two guys that he’s got the
goods on.
10. Christie Brinkley, who just turned 60 years old, posed in
a swimsuit on the cover of People magazine.
She said, “I’m actually excited about turning 60. I’m at the top of my game.” ***
That’s true, although her game is now shuffleboard.
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