1.
In Birmingham,
Alabama, a U.S. Postal Service worker was caught on video taking packages out
of a USPS van and tossing them into a ravine.
*** However, in the postal worker’s
defense, I want to point out that packages marked “fragile” were tossed gently.
2.
Police seized several
exotic animals from a home in a Detroit suburb after an aardvark was seen
wandering around a back yard.
*** So, that would be…a “Yaardvark”? (Groan)
3.
According to a global
study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, many
American students are “financially illiterate” and can’t even read a paycheck. *** That’s OK.
The way the economy is going, they probably won’t ever see one.
4.
In the new CBS science
fiction series “Extant,” Halle Berry stars as Molly Woods, an astronaut who
somehow becomes pregnant during a solo one-year mission in outer space. ***
Molly apparently has health insurance through her husband’s job at Hobby
Lobby.
5.
North Korean President
Kim Jong Un recently started walking with a noticeable limp. *** Personally, I think he’s doing that on
purpose to draw attention away from his silly haircut.
6.
A train carrying
large airplane parts partially derailed in Montana, dumping three fuselages
down a ravine and almost into the river.
*** Sing along: “Pardon me boy, is that the Catastrophic Choo
Choo? It jumped off Track
Twenty-Nine; Boy, you can bet they’ll
get fined…”
7.
Jack Kevorkian’s VW
Minibus, which he used for several assisted suicides, was recently sold by a
Detroit pawn shop. *** I
believe it was advertised as “Owned by elderly doctor, only used for one-way
trips, fitted with high-performance injection system.”
8.
According to a recent
Gallup poll, 21% of Americans don’t feel they have enough freedom to choose
what to do with their lives.
*** The other 79% are fairly satisfied
with their freedom to choose—they just don’t like the choices.
9.
AMC is spending
hundreds of millions of dollars to outfit many of its theaters with La-Z-Boy
type reclining chairs. *** They will also provide you with a free
Snuggie, a cat to sit on your lap and someone to wake you up at the important
parts of the movie.
10.
The Golden Gate
Bridge board of directors has approved $76 million to construct suicide
barriers on the structure. *** Currently, the only deterrent is a sign
warning people that suicide is not covered by Obamacare.
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