Friday, Oct 31, 2014

1.     According to a study by researchers at Brunel University in England, women prefer men who have feminine facial features.  ***  OMG! Bruce Jenner got it right!

2.     Bernard Kilpatrick, the father of convicted Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, will serve the rest of his sentence for tax evasion at a halfway house… *** …where it is expected he will only be able to evade half his taxes.

3.     A company that makes baby wipes has found traces of bacteria and has recalled all the product.   ***   I’m only guessing, but I don’t think they want you to return the used ones.

4.     People have been furious to learn that the FBI had tried to capture a suspect by creating a bogus website and impersonating a news organization.   ***   Just because Fox and CNN get away with it…

5.     Twelve Nobel Peace Prize winners have demanded that President Obama make full disclosure of America’s torture of terrorist suspects.  *** Torture such as sleep deprivation, waterboarding, and watching your president get dictated to by twelve Nobel Peace Prize winners.

6.     The Cuban government has finally agreed to allow construction of the first new Catholic church in 55 years.  ***  The breakthrough came after the Vatican agreed to allow cigar smoking during Mass.  

7.     There are allegations that Vice President Joe Biden improperly used a log cabin in Grand Teton National Park that is intended for government business, not vacations.  He reportedly just relaxed and did not attend any events or carry out any official duties.  ***  In other words, business.

8.     An article on Lifestyle.com lists ten signs that it’s time to change your doctor.  ***  Sign #1:  He’s serving time in a maximum security prison.

9.     After Oprah Winfrey’s driver ran over a woman’s foot in front of a Miami restaurant,  Oprah immediately made amends with the woman by getting out of the car and posing for a picture.   ***  Of course, if the woman had been seriously injured Oprah would have posed for a video.

10.  In Oklahoma City, a man claimed that Satan told him to use his car to destroy a monument with the Ten Commandments.  ***   That really wasn’t necessary.  Satan’s been pretty successful just by telling people to ignore them.

Friday, Oct 24, 2014

1.        Toys R Us announced it has taken its controversial Walter White (“Breaking Bad”) action figure, with a gun and a bag of meth, off the shelves.   ***  Too many dissatisfied customers complained that the meth wasn’t real.

2.        In China’s Bapan Village people routinely live more than 100 years, and researchers say it’s partly due to physical activity, since they don’t have access to modern machinery, televisions or computers.  ***  No computers?  What’s the use of living to a hundred if you can’t brag about it on Facebook?

3.        Three teenagers from Denver are suspected of trying to join the terrorist group ISIS.    ***  Actually, they changed their minds after finding out the Middle East has no snowboarding.

4.        At a school in Fort Worth, Texas, 25 students were attacked by bees.   ***   It was quite upsetting for several over-achieving parents who felt their children should have been attacked by A’s.

5.        A sales clerk at a Sears store in New Jersey has been charged with stealing $3.7 million worth of merchandise and selling it.  ***  Sears officials have offered to drop the charges if she tells them how she managed to find so many customers.

6.        Despite his requests to the contrary, Senate candidate Michelle Nunn continues to use former President George H.W. Bush’s picture in her campaign ads, along with a reference to the years she spent heading up his “Points of Light” foundation.  ***  Now it seems she can no longer get the Point nor see the Light.

7.        Doctors have developed a thin ring that can be implanted in the cornea of the eye to eliminate the need for reading glasses.  ***  However, many patients have been disappointed by the procedure because they immediately test their new eyesight by reading the bill.

8.        The real estate website Estately.com has identified the states with the most immature men based on the percentage of guys with “childish” tendencies, such as playing fantasy football, beer pong and video games.   ***    Coincidentally, those are also the states where guys have the most fun.

9.        While their divorce is pending, Bruce Jenner is dating his wife’s best friend, Ronda Kamihira.   ***   That’s unbelievable…Bruce Jenner is dating a woman?

10.     A Texas lab worker on a Carnival cruise showed some symptoms of Ebola and was held in isolation for the entire voyage, but after the ship reached port she tested negative for the virus.  ***  Sadly, she also tested negative for a sun tan.

Friday, Oct 17, 2014

1.        Police were sent to Justin Bieber’s Florida condo after neighbors complained about the noise from a late night party.  ***  I believe the cops’ first question was, “Are your parents home?”

2.        A Florida mother is demanding that Toys R Us stop selling the Walter White action figure (from “Breaking Bad”) because it’s inappropriate for children.  ***   She’s probably going to get really upset at Baby’s First Meth Lab.

3.        In Boston, a time capsule from 1901 has just been opened.  It contained a book on foreign relations, newspaper articles and business cards from local politicians…***...along with the official price list for various political favors.

4.        With presidential elections two years away, several political experts are suggesting changes to the way we select the vice president.   ***   I believe the proposed method involves the candidates climbing over the White House fence and racing to the front door.

5.        Mark Zuckerberg is donating $25 million to fight Ebola.  ***  It’s actually a business decision.  He realizes there will be serious consequences for Facebook if there’s an outbreak and the virus wipes out large numbers of cats.

6.        Michelle Obama’s latest school lunch guidelines limit kids to one pack of ketchup.  ***  That’s terrible.  How are they supposed to bring enough home so mom can fill up the ketchup bottle?

7.        The fiancé of Oregon’s governor admitted to previously marrying an immigrant so he could obtain US residency, for which she was paid $5,000.  ***   Of course, her upcoming marriage to the governor is much different:  A lot more money.

8.        North Korean president Kim Jong Un disappeared from public view for the past month.   ***  Which is pretty much what we all want to do after a bad haircut.

9.        Vladimir Putin has ordered Russian troops to back away from the Ukraine border.  ***  In a brilliant move, Ukraine manned the checkpoints with soldiers from West Africa.

10.     After last week’s visit of a high ranking North Korean official to South Korea, there has been speculation that the two countries could become trading partners.  ***  In fact, they’ve already started exchanging gunfire.

Friday, Oct 10, 2014

1.        Because of Ebola virus fears, an NBC survey says that 58% of Americans want to halt all flights from West African countries.  ***  The other 42% are still expecting gold bars from Nigeria.

2.        A US Airways flight departing Austin, Texas was delayed for two hours because of a swarm of bees in the boarding jetway.   ***   An airline spokesman said this was quite unusual, and normally passengers are just stung by the high air fares.

3.        Although 94% of cars sold in the U.S. are automatics, there are signs that manual transmissions might be making a small comeback.  ***  However, driver training is a little more difficult because you have to learn to text left-handed and steer with your knees.

4.        Wal-Mart is now selling health insurance. ***   Wouldn’t it be better if they just made their stores a little more sanitary?

5.        Descendants of the woman whose image was used as “Aunt Jemima” by Quaker Oats are suing the company for $2 billion in unpaid royalties.  ***   They are also preparing a second lawsuit for royalties due to Jemima’s husband, Uncle Ben. 

6.        The Seattle city council is honoring Indians by replacing Columbus Day with Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  ***  Now, don’t confuse that with Los Angeles, which is replacing Columbus Day with Ingenuous Peoples’ Day.

7.        General Motors is recalling nearly 100,000 Chevrolet Sparks because the hood can fly open while driving.  ***  A company spokesman said the malfunction is extremely serious and could result in a severe reduction in fuel economy.

8.        A company called Silentium is developing a noise cancellation device for airplane seats that will eliminate the sounds of crying babies, noisy passengers and chatty flight attendants.   ***   It’s more convenient than waiting for your Taser to recharge.

9.        A 19 year old teen who wanted to join ISIS was arrested at O’Hare airport as he attempted to board a plane headed for the Middle East.  ***  Just one more guy who fell for that old trick where the gate attendant announces priority boarding for terrorists.

10.     Hwang Pyong So, the top political officer in North Korea, recently traveled to South Korea for talks.  ***  He said he enjoyed visiting so many beautiful targets…uh, cities.

Friday, Oct 3, 2014

1.        Teresa Giudice, the star of “Real Housewives,” was found guilty of fraud and has been sentenced to 15 months in prison, while her husband, Joe, was sentenced to 41 months in prison…  ***   …where he will be somebody’s Pretend Housewife. 

2.        In Bentonville, Arkansas, Wal-Mart is testing a drive-thru concept where customers can order groceries online and then pick them up without actually going into the store.  ***   You know, for Wal-Mart shoppers who don’t want to get all dressed up. 

3.        Two weeks after an intruder ran through the front door of the White House, the head of the Secret Service has resigned.  ***   She had previously expected to stay in that position for a few more years; she thought she had a lock on it.

4.        It was just revealed that the Secret Service had recently allowed President Obama to get on an elevator in Atlanta, Georgia with a civilian security contractor who was carrying a gun and had three criminal convictions.  ***  The head of the agency admitted the lapse in security, but proudly pointed out that just last week they had prevented the President from riding an elevator with a man who had uncontrollable flatulence.

5.        This week Mexican soldiers captured the drug cartel leader known as “El H.” They found him in a small town that attracts tourists and retirees.  ***  It took a lot of patience to track him down, but the authorities knew that sooner or later he’d get roped into one of those timeshare tours.

6.        California has become the first state to ban plastic bags.  ***   However, it will probably be the last state to ban plastic surgery.

7.        As “Gone with the Wind” approaches its 75^th anniversary, Warner Bros. studio—distributor of a special DVD box set—says the movie’s portrayal of slavery is dated and inaccurate.  ***  A company spokesman also admitted that it’s virtually impossible to make a good looking dress out of draperies.

8.        Anita Baker’s lawyer is suing the singer for $150,000 for failure to pay for services such as helping get her home repaired and parking cars in front of her mansion to make it look like she was home.  ***  In response, Ms. Baker has offered to park a new Rolls Royce in front of the lawyer’s house for a few days to make it look like he was paid.

9.        A Texas jury has sentenced a medical researcher to 10 years in prison for trying to poison her lover by serving him coffee laced with anti-freeze.  ***  Actually, he should have known something was up when she referred to the drink as a “Prestone latte.”

10.     Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi was denied a U.S. visa ten years ago, but he has now been invited to meet with President Obama at the White House.  ***  Actually, he was told, “OK, if you can make it from the fence to the front door…”