1.
Police were sent to
Justin Bieber’s Florida condo after neighbors complained about the noise from a
late night party. *** I
believe the cops’ first question was, “Are your parents home?”
2.
A Florida mother is
demanding that Toys R Us stop selling the Walter White action figure (from “Breaking
Bad”) because it’s inappropriate for children. *** She’s
probably going to get really upset at Baby’s First Meth Lab.
3.
In Boston, a time
capsule from 1901 has just been opened.
It contained a book on foreign relations, newspaper articles and business
cards from local politicians…***...along with the official price list for various
political favors.
4.
With presidential
elections two years away, several political experts are suggesting changes to
the way we select the vice president.
*** I believe the proposed method involves the
candidates climbing over the White House fence and racing to the front door.
5.
Mark Zuckerberg is
donating $25 million to fight Ebola.
*** It’s actually a business
decision. He realizes there will be
serious consequences for Facebook if there’s an outbreak and the virus wipes
out large numbers of cats.
6.
Michelle Obama’s
latest school lunch guidelines limit kids to one pack of ketchup. ***
That’s terrible. How are they supposed
to bring enough home so mom can fill up the ketchup bottle?
7.
The fiancé of Oregon’s
governor admitted to previously marrying an immigrant so he could obtain US
residency, for which she was paid $5,000.
*** Of course, her upcoming marriage to the
governor is much different: A lot more
money.
8.
North Korean
president Kim Jong Un disappeared from public view for the past month. *** Which
is pretty much what we all want to do after a bad haircut.
9.
Vladimir Putin has
ordered Russian troops to back away from the Ukraine border. *** In
a brilliant move, Ukraine manned the checkpoints with soldiers from West
Africa.
10.
After last week’s
visit of a high ranking North Korean official to South Korea, there has been
speculation that the two countries could become trading partners. *** In
fact, they’ve already started exchanging gunfire.
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