1.
House
speaker John Boehner told reporters he hates it when critics call him “spineless.” *** He
said he prefers “vertebrae-impaired.”
2.
Pope
Francis has named 23 new Cardinals.
*** Well, if he included a couple
good pitchers that certainly ought to get St. Louis to the World Series.
3.
Nicholas
Sparks, author of “The Notebook” and several other romance novels, announced
that he and wife of 25 years are separating. *** In
his press release he said he will “forever miss her warm and tender skin…her soft,
inviting lips...her hot breath …”
4.
Two
customers at a McDonald’s in Japan found pieces of plastic in their Chicken
McNuggets. *** They realized it as soon as they bit into
something with flavor.
5.
Season six
of “Sister Wives,” the reality show about a man with three wives, premiered
with a segment involving a marriage therapist. *** I wonder if she charges triple.
6.
An 85 year
old woman in Waco, Texas has been arrested for using hundreds of neighborhood cats
to make fur coats. *** Law enforcement officials became suspicious when
they noticed a sharp decline in the number of local cat videos on Facebook.
7.
Customs
officials say that drug dealers are trying to smuggle Mexican meth into the
United States by liquefying it and putting it in cars as washer fluid. ***
Border guards have been instructed to stop all cars with happy bugs on
the windshield.
8.
Kobe Bryant
says that European basketball coaches are better than U.S. coaches at teaching
young players the fundamentals of the game. *** Trash
talk, publicity and bling.
9.
North
Korea’s Internet went down for nine hours last month, likely due to retaliation
by the U.S. for the Sony hack.
*** The punishment wasn’t the
loss of Internet service; it was the nine hours that Kim Jong Un had to spend
on the phone with a help desk in India.
10. The son of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel was
robbed and beaten right in front of the family home. *** You
know you’re living a life of privilege when the muggers come to you.
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