News for Week Ending Friday, May 12, 2017

1.   A United Airlines flight attendant told a passenger who had to use the restroom to stay seated and pee in a cup because the plane was landing.  ***   In the wake of this PR debacle, United is now reviewing options for future flights: a) Make sure there’s a really big supply of cups, or b) Carry enough fuel to circle the airport until everyone visits the restroom, or c) Stop serving coffee to old people.

2.   It’s been revealed that in 2011 the wife of former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly caught him half naked, having phone sex.  ***  He was paying $3 a minute to have a sexy woman whisper naughty things like “liberal,” “universal health care” and “gun control.”

3.   Former president Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a mystery novel, “The President is Missing.”  ***   In the first five chapters, the Secret Service searches for the president at the homes of all his mistresses.

4.   The Crayola company announced that it is removing the “Dandelion” crayon from the 24-pack.  ***   I believe the replacement color is “Round-Up.”

5.   Police in Tennessee raided several psychiatric facilities operated by the Church of Scientology and found many patients being held captive in locked cabins, treated with unknown medicines  ***   and forced to watch Tom Cruise movie marathons.

6.   On this date in history:  May 12, 1888 – The crouching start for a sprint is first used by Charles Sherrill of Yale.   ***   Actually, he was just tying his shoe when the gun went off.

7.   On this date in history:  May 11, 1924 – The Pulitzer Prize is awarded to Robert Frost.  ***  Unfortunately, he was late for the award ceremony because he took the road less traveled.

8.   On this date in history:  May 10, 1503 - Columbus discovers the Cayman Islands.  ***  And immediately opens up an offshore bank account. 

9.   On this date in history:  May 9, 1932 – London’s Piccadilly Circus section is first lighted by electricity.  ***   Surprisingly, despite the bright lights, people still couldn’t see any clowns.   

10.  On this date in history:  May 8, 1952 – Mad Magazine debuts.  ***   It was later found to be a political front for promoting presidential candidate Alfred E. Neuman.