News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 13, 2017

1.   Kellogg’s has just bought RXBAR, a company that makes protein bars, in an effort to expand into health foods and capture the millennial market.  *** In fact, protein bars are an especially good food choice for Millennials whose parents don’t have a refrigerator in the basement.

2.   Scientists are warning that climate change may be promoting the growth of red algae in colder climates, eventually making all the glaciers pink.  ***   To take advantage of this unique opportunity, Mary Kay is planning to sponsor the next Ice Age.

3.   Kim Jung Un has appointed his 30 year old sister, Kim Yo Jong, to a high level position in the North Korean government.  ***  Political experts were shocked--usually when young women get powerful positions in government they have a lot of relevant credentials, like a successful fashion business.

4.   According to a recent online article, heavy sweating could be a sign of a serious problem.  ***  For example, if you’re a millennial, it could be an indication that you somehow ended up with a job that involves working.

5.   Jeremy Meeks, the blue-eyed guy with the eye-catching mug shot, has filed for divorce.  ***  He started reading the bible, and decided he doesn’t want to share things when he inherits the earth.

6.   Yesterday, British authorities arrested a woman who was trying to scale the gate at Buckingham Palace.  ***   A police spokesman said they hadn’t seen anything like that since the last clearance sale at Harrods.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1933 – A sentence of life imprisonment is handed down to gangster George Francis Barnes, a.k.a. Machine Gun Kelly.  ***   Actually, his life of crime started in grade school, where he was known as BB-Gun Kelly.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1991 – Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart is seen soliciting a prostitute.  ***  After intense negotiations, she agreed to provide an entire night of services in exchange for eternal salvation.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1865 – John Hyatt patents the modern billiard ball.  *** Ah, so he’s the guy who was behind the 8 ball.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 9, 1973 – Elvis and Priscilla Presley divorce.  ***  Fortunately, by that time Elvis was on the rewards program at Heartbreak Hotel.