News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 22, 2017

1.   In order to boost business, Scandinavian Airlines has just announced free flights for all kids under 11. ***  They expect to cover the costs through increased liquor sales to all the adults.

2.   According to the website 24/7 Wall St., New Jersey has the highest percentage of 18-34 year olds who live with their parents (47%).  ***  The study also showed that New Jersey has the highest percentage of elderly couples who are in the market for a house without a basement.

3.   According to Page Six, NBC is removing all traces of Matt Lauer, including nameplates, photos, and that special button under his desk that locked the office door.   ***  NBC isn’t saying if other TV personalities are suspected of sexual harassment, but the day after Mr. Lauer was ousted they found two dozen buttons in the trash.

4.   NBC is reportedly planning to bring back its popular sitcom “The Office.”  ***  Not surprisingly, the network had failed to replicate the character dynamics in its modernized sequel, “Working from Home.”

5.   After 28 years of marriage, the stars of “Long Island Medium,” Theresa and Larry Caputo, have decided to legally separate.  ***  Larry has hired a top divorce lawyer, while Theresa has been getting advice from Clarence Darrow.

6.    On this date in history:  Dec 22, 1964 – Comedian Lenny Bruce is convicted of obscenity. ***   At his trial, several night club owners testified that he actually said, “Who cares about profits?”

7.    On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1620 – 103 Mayflower pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock.  ***  Fortunately for history, they apparently landed at a place where all the rocks had names.

8.    On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1957 –  Elvis Presley receives a draft notice to join the U.S. Army.  ***  Suddenly, Heartbreak Hotel didn’t seem so bad.

9.    On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1686 – Per the story by Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe leaves his island on this date, 28 years after the shipwreck.  ***   So, did the Professor, Mary Ann and all the others leave, too?

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 18, 1787 – New Jersey becomes the 3rd state to ratify the Constitution.  ***  But only after the other states promised to call them the “Garden State” without laughing.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 15, 2017

1.   An article published in the scientific journal “Joule” says that Greek yogurt could be used to power jet planes.  ***   So, you’ll know we might be gearing up for war if you see a lot of Air Force uniforms in the dairy aisle.

2.   In Alabama, defeated senate candidate Roy Moore is demanding a recount, and told his supporters, “God is always in control.”  ***  So, in the first tally of votes, God miscounted?

3.   According to a recent medical study reported on NBC, depression can begin much earlier than previously thought.  ***   In fact, it generally starts within 15 minutes of reading all your friends’ posts on Facebook.

4.   In an environment-friendly move, Anheuser-Busch plans to replace its delivery fleet with electric Tesla trucks because they don’t have any dirty, smelly emissions.  ***   Shucks, I kinda liked the Clydesdales.

5.   The mayor of Davenport, Florida was arrested for using the handicap parking permits of deceased people.  ***  She apologized for her illegal actions, and promised that from now on she’ll be sure to put the dead person in the passenger seat.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1891 – James Naismith invents basketball in Canada.  ***  Of course, that was the Canadian version, which was played with a ball, a hoop and hockey sticks. 

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1987 – Chrysler pleads no contest to telling buyers that previously-driven vehicles were new.  ***  But at least that was progress—a few years earlier they couldn’t even convince customers that the new cars were new.

8.   On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1961 – Jimmy Dean's “Big Bad John” becomes country music's first million-dollar seller.  ***  Of course, it helped that every album came with a free pack of sausage.

9.   On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1946 – The United Nations accepts six city blocks in Manhattan as a gift from John D, Rockefeller Jr.   ***   Ah yes, who wouldn’t love a nice set of blocks for Christmas? 

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1936 – King Edward VIII abdicates the English throne to marry American divorcee Wallis Simpson, and the Duke of York becomes king.  ***  The new king’s first act was to declare this date “Wallis Simpson Appreciation Day.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 8, 2017

1.  Ford just announced it will manufacture its next-generation electric car in Mexico, which is contrary to the wishes of President Trump.  ***  A company spokesman said they’d like to honor the president’s request, but there were just too many problems with building a plant in Jerusalem.

2.  Lionsgate studio suddenly dropped plans for a December release of “Gotti,” in which John Travolta plays notorious mob leader John Gotti. ***  Studio executives said they had no idea the film would feature a Bee Gees soundtrack and Mr. Gotti portrayed as a talented mobster obsessed with disco dancing.

3.  According to an article in “The Atlantic” magazine, Mike Pence had offered to replace Donald Trump on the Republican ticket after revelations of Mr. Trump’s vulgar, sexist remarks on the “Access Hollywood” tape.   ***   The religiously conservative Mr. Pence was reportedly shocked by Mr. Trump’s aggressive comments, especially after someone explained what some of the words meant.

4.  After the Zimbabwe military confined him to his home for several days, 93 year old President Robert Mugabe apparently evaluated his situation and has resigned.   ***   According to his staff, the turning point came when he found out his cable package includes “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune.”

5.  A woman in Vermont was arrested for making ricin poison and feeding it to residents in her retirement community, but without success   ***   At first she thought it was lethal, but that was just everyone dozing off during the Matlock re-runs.

6.  On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1777 – Captain Cook leaves the Society Islands.  ***   He then went to the Society Mountains because he preferred high society.

7.  On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1877 – Thomas A Edison demonstrates the gramophone.  ***  It was a special telephone used to call Grammas. 

8.  On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1974 – George Harrison releases "Ding Dong, Ding Dong."  ***  These days, however, a lot of celebrities are getting into big trouble for releasing their ding dong.

9.  On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1951 – The TV show "Dragnet" premieres.  ***  Jack Webb got the lead role; in auditions, he was the only actor who could speak with absolutely zero voice inflection. 

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1783 – Gen Washington bids his officers farewell at Fraunce's Tavern in New York City.  ***  He then took off and left them stuck with the tab.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 1, 2017

1.   According to a worldwide study of over 800,000 individuals, married people are 20% less likely to show signs of dementia.  ***  That’s because they can still handle every situation by saying, “Yes, Dear.”

2.   After complaints of “inappropriate behavior,” storyteller Garrison Keillor has been fired by Minnesota Public Radio.  ***  Mr. Keillor can now be contacted at his home on Lake WeBeGone.

3.   Disney is planning to make a live action movie based on its animated film, “Prince Charming,” but they say the story will be told from an entirely different perspective.  ***  I believe it will be told from the viewpoint of the women, who document the predatory behavior of the smooth-talking prince and get him thrown in prison for ten years.

4.   Time magazine has just been bought by Meredith Corporation, which publishes other magazines such as Better Homes & Gardens. ***   Media observers say if President Trump wants to be the Time’s “Person of the Year” again, he’ll have to beat out an interior decorator and a landscaper.

5.   After 68 year old Congressman Joe Barton sent naked photos of himself to a Texas woman, she later made them public, which is a violation of a Texas law against “revenge porn.”  ***  She also violated a federal law against distributing nude pictures of anyone who’s old enough for Social Security.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1783 – In Paris, Jacques Charles and Nicolas Roberts make the world’s first untethered ascent with a hydrogen gas balloon.   ***  “No, dammit--I thought you tied the rope.”

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1678 – Roman Catholics are banned from being members of the English Parliament.  ***  It was just too disruptive to have so many people taking off early on bingo night.  

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1959 – The 2nd Annual Grammy Awards was held and Bobby Darin won with “Mack The Knife.”  ***  I believe that was in the category “Songs About Weapons.”

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1861 – The Confederate Congress officially admits Missouri to Confederacy.  ***  State officials had to promise to help fund the new government, provide soldiers to fight in the Civil War, and erect a lot of statues of the officers even if they lose.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 27, 1934 – Bank robber George “Baby Face” Nelson dies in a shoot-out with the FBI.   ***  Agents had been told to be on the lookout for a 2 year old with a deep voice.