News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 16, 2018

1.   Prince Henrik of Denmark has died at the age of 83, but refused to be buried next to the plot reserved for his wife, Queen Margrethe, because he was upset at never getting the title of King.   ***   I believe his gravestone sarcastically reads, “The Aristocrat STILL Known as Prince.”

2.   Disney World has just raised the price of one-day passes by $5, so adults now have to pay $129.  ***  Park officials also announced that the “Pirates of the Caribbean” feature has been replaced by a much more terrifying group of thieves and villains, “Pirates of the Ticket Booth.”

3.   The “Spice Girls” are planning a reunion tour this fall.  ***  For senior audiences, however, they’ll be performing as the “Low-Salt and High-Fiber Girls.”

4.   In the Olympics, a pair of Canadian figure skaters were urged to tone down their routine after complaints that it was too sexy.  ***  Officials said they didn’t mind the sensuality, but they noticed the ice was starting to melt.

5.   After a Florida woman was told she couldn’t bring her “support hamster” on her flight, she flushed it down an airport toilet.   ***   Yes, that was a very sad ending, but for one bright, shining moment the hamster thought he was getting a shiny porcelain cage with an in-ground pool.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1932 – The first patent issued for a tree goes to James Markham for a peach tree.   ***  Al Gore says that’s was nice but he would prefer to see tree birth certificates.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1689 – The German parliament declares war on France.  ***  France says, “OK, but this is the last time, right?”

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1978 –Texas Instruments patents the first "micro chip."  ***  It was the most important invention since the chocolate chip. 

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1633 – Astronomer Galileo arrives in Rome to go on trial for professing that the earth revolves around the Sun.  ***  Today, of course, everyone knows that the earth revolves around the Kardashians.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1908 – Anna Jeanes bequeaths $1,000,000 to Swarthmore College to become all female.  ***  I wonder if that’s how much it cost Caitlyn Jenner.