News for Week Ending Friday, May 18, 2018

1.   A man was shot and arrested at the Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami after he opened fire in the lobby while shouting criticisms of Mr. Trump.  ***   I believe he was yelling, “I don’t care if he is the president, he’s gotta replace his &%#@$ divots!” 

2.   Meghan Markle’s strange father, who faked a paparazzi photo and then had a heart attack, has undergone surgery and the doctors say he is “alert and coherent.”  ***  Ms. Markle is saying it’s a miracle, because the old man hasn’t been alert or coherent for at least the last ten years.

3.   A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts.  ***   Neighbors describe her as an attractive woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed thumbs.

4.   Prince William is obligated to hand out a soccer trophy on the same day that brother Harry is getting married, so he plans to attend the wedding, then take a helicopter to the soccer stadium and still make it back in time for the reception.   ***  He says there’s no way he’d miss that reception after he and Kate spent two weeks practicing the royal Chicken Dance.

5.   According to a report in New York Magazine, on most nights President Trump speaks on the phone with Fox’s Sean Hannity before he goes to sleep.  ***  And Mr. Hannity always assures the president that there are no monsters hiding under his bed…because they’re all busy writing articles for their newspapers.

6.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1619 – A Dutch statesman known as Hugo the Great is sentenced to life in prison.   ***   Because of the seriousness of his offenses, prosecutors had actually recommended the ultimate punishment—changing his name to Hugo the Ordinary.

7.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1975 – Mick Jagger punches a restaurant window and gets 20 stitches.  ***   But no satisfaction.

8.   On this date in history:  May 16, 1527 – Florence becomes a republic.  ***   Wow, she must have put on a lot of weight.

9.   On this date in history:  May 15, 1718 – James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world's first machine gun.   ***    I believe the U.S. distributor was a guy named Kelly.

10.  On this date in history:  May 14, 1878 – Vaseline Petroleum Jelly goes on sale.   ***   Unfortunately, most stores put it in the food aisle with the peanut butter.