Friday, June 14, 2013

1.      At the tunnel from Windsor, Canada into Detroit, U.S. Customs agents detained two women who were found to have $59,000 hidden in their bras.  ***   Authorities became suspicious when the women paid the tunnel toll with a $5 bill and Abraham Lincoln had a big smile on his face.

2.      At Tiffany’s on 5^th Avenue in New York City, a thief grabbed two necklaces worth $98,000 and walked out.   ***   You know, that’s really sad.  Lindsay had been doing so well in rehab...

3.      A man in New York City is expected to survive after slitting his wrists in Rockefeller Plaza outside the studio of the “Today” show.  ***  Actually, that behavior is more typical of guys whose wives make them watch the “Today” show.

4.      A study in the New England Journal of Medicine says that drinking coffee can extend your life.   ***   And when the end does finally come, there’s a greater chance that you’ll be awake for it.

5.      For the ultimate in target shooting, a gun range in Texas is letting customers fire an assault rifle from a helicopter.  Organizers say they are making sure the operation is totally safe.  ***   For example, each shooter in the helicopter is strictly limited to only one six pack of beer.

6.      Edward Snowden, the guy who revealed the NSA’s surveillance activities, was praised by Daniel Ellsberg, who had leaked the “Pentagon Papers” in 1971.  ***  Younger people are astonished: “Really?  Secrets used to be on paper?”

7.      Hillary Clinton now has a Twitter account.  ***   So, in addition to having to explain Benghazi, now she also has to learn to spell it.

8.      A bank employee in Germany accidentally transferred over $200 million when he fell asleep on his keyboard and kept the “2” key pressed down, typing 2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2.   ***  Well, mistakes happen when you’re “2 depressed.”

9.      A law school student in Texas has designed a plastic handgun that you can make at home on a 3-D printer.  ***  You can use it to rob people of cash that they made at home on their printer.

10.    Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced their divorce after attending a ballet at the Kremlin.  ***  Like many couples, they had very different opinions while watching “Dancing with the Czars.”

Friday, June 7, 2013

       

1.      A town in Spain has started mailing dog poop to the dog’s owners if they fail to pick up after their pet.  ***  It’s a controversial practice, but everyone agrees on one thing:  The worst job in the world is now a Spanish mailman on a hot day.

2.      Domino’s has carried out the world’s first pizza delivery by an unmanned drone aircraft.   ***   Actually, it was a trial run for the military, which plans to use drones to deliver pizza to the Taliban every day.  It won’t be immediately lethal, but over time they’ll all die of cardiac arrest.

3.      The Disney theme parks, which bill themselves as “The Happiest Place on Earth,” have raised ticket prices by $5.  ***  Now Disney management is even happier.

4.      In a recent telephone survey, 88% of women and 78% of men said they have trouble sleeping.  They blamed it on stress, anxiety, and pain... ***  ...and getting phone surveys at 2:00 in the morning.

5.      Critics have panned Will Smith’s latest movie, “After Earth,” a science fiction adventure which takes place 1,000 years in the future.  ***  Which is about the same time that the film will break even at the box office.

6.      Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke delivered the baccalaureate address to graduates at Princeton University.  ***  With his intimate knowledge of the economy, he wanted to give the students some valuable guidance, so he told them how to apply for unemployment benefits.

7.      In Nevada, a new law allows illegal immigrants to get a special driving license.  ***   There’s just one restriction on it: They’re only allowed to drive south.

 

8.      The head of Ferrari North America says that the next big market for Ferrari is Mexico.  ***   I don’t think so.  I mean, with a flashy car like that, how is a Mexican going to sneak across the border?

9.      A government watchdog committee says that over the past three years the IRS has spent $50 million on conferences, including fancy hotel rooms and expensive entertainment.   ***  Actually, only the IRS calls them “conferences”;  I believe Charlie Sheen calls them “parties.”

10.    A Saudi Prince recently spent $20 million during three days at Disneyland theme park.   ***  Actually, I think that’s how much we spent there.  (At least, it felt like it.)

 

Friday, May 31, 2013

1.      A fire broke out on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship in the Bahamas.   ***  Now, if  that had happened on a Carnival cruise ship, the flames would have been doused by the overflowing toilets.

2.      Producers of the upcoming Superman movie, “Man of Steel,” say that a big explosion scene features a Sears store because they wanted more realism.   ***  And because they didn’t want to blow up a place with a lot of customers.

3.      Belgium scientists believe that a fossil found in China is that of the first bird, which came on the scene during the Jurassic period.  ***  And started a 150 million year reign of terror for earthworms.

4.      Senator John McCain made a surprise trip to Syria to speak with the rebel groups there.   ***   It was part of his continuing efforts to find a job for Sarah Palin.  (“Come on, guys—you sure you don’t need a vice president?”)

5.      President Obama plans to discuss cybersecurity when he meets with the president of China in California next week.  ***  He wants assurances that money loaned to America is protected by a really good password.

6.      Someone mailed the poison ricin to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.   ***   However, the sender did comply with the mayor’s mandate that poison be served in containers no larger than 16 ounces.

7.      An Alaska Airlines passenger tried to open the emergency door on a flight to Portland, Oregon.  ***  Some people will do anything to get a little extra leg room.

8.      The helicopter carrying Prince Charles and Camilla had to make a sudden emergency landing, but they still made their scheduled appearance at a literary festival, where attendees marveled at the fact that Charles looked so relaxed, considering the terrible ordeal he had just survived.   ***  Marriage to Camilla.

9.      In her commencement address to the Harvard Class of 2013, Oprah Winfrey said she supports background checks for gun buyers.   ***   Meanwhile, the students demanded background checks for commencement speakers.

10.    Jurors in the penalty phase of the Jodi Arias murder trial were unable to reach a consensus on the death penalty.  ***  However, after reviewing all the evidence, they unanimously agreed that she looked better as a blonde.

Friday, May 24, 2013

1.      An 87 year old Chicago woman is suing Donald Trump for cheating in a business deal, but lawyers for Mr. Trump said the woman understood the contract and “nobody put a gun to her head.”   ***   When Trump heard this he was furious and he asked his staff, “OK, who was the idiot that forgot to bring the gun?”

2.      A derelict Russian cruise ship, the “Lyubov Orlova,” which was abandoned in 2010 and then broke loose while being towed to a scrap yard, has not been seen for several months, and authorities now believe it has probably sunk.   ***  Or, it’s the newest addition to the Carnival Cruise Line.

3.      D.N.A.M. Apparel Industries is suing Lindsay Lohan for $5 million, claiming that her highly publicized personal problems have made her “6126” clothing line unmarketable.  ***  As you may know, the name “6126” comes from the number of times Lindsay has been to rehab.  

4.      According to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, a regimen of vitamins B6 and B12, along with folic acid, can delay the onset of dementia.  ***  However, the White House has refused to endorse this treatment until after people have forgotten about the Benghazi, IRS and Justice Department scandals.

5.      The new immigration bill is working its way through Congress, although some people feel it is too soft on illegal immigrants.   ***   In hindsight, maybe the bill should not have been written in Spanish.

6.      The Philips company is partnering with Apple to market a “smart” light bulb that can be programmed to change colors based on the time or the weather or other conditions.  It’s available in a $200 starter kit.   ***  So, how many guys does it take to change a light bulb?  Only one, but he’s gotta be rich.

7.      In the Middle East, residents of Gaza are using secret tunnels to sneak into Egypt and get Kentucky Fried Chicken.   ***  The only problem is that before every trip they have to make the tunnel wider.

8.      The North Carolina auto dealers association wants to halt the sale of Tesla electric cars on-line because it violates a state law that requires a dealer to be involved.  ***   They also claim that Tesla violates another North Carolina law by not having sufficient cargo space for a complete load of moonshine.

9.      In Berlin, Germany the Mattel company erected a full-size pink doll house to promote the Barbie Doll, but it was protested by topless women who said the doll is demeaning to females.   ***   Mattel responded by announcing the launch of a new model, “Protest Barbie,” which comes with a complete wardrobe, but only below the waist.

10.    The Colgate-Palmolive company has invented a toothbrush that can give you a shot of caffeine while you brush your teeth.   ***  But it’s a little awkward to use because you first have to put cream and sugar on the bristles.

Friday, May 17, 2013

1.      The man who was the voice of Charlie Brown in the animated “Peanuts” TV specials in the 1960’s was arrested for stalking and was ordered to check into a drug treatment center.  ***   The good news is that the psychiatrist there is a woman named Lucy who only charges 5 cents.

2.      This week the Navy conducted the first ship-based launch of an unmanned, computer-controlled aircraft from the deck of the USS George Bush.  ***  Call me suspicious, but I think the White House intentionally selected the George Bush for the first launch of an aircraft that had no human intelligence onboard.

3.      Russian officials have accused a U.S. Embassy employee of trying to recruit spies.   ***  In hindsight, I guess it was a mistake to advertise a CIA Job Fair in the Moscow newspaper.

4.      A recently published report from the United Nations says that eating insects could help fight obesity.  ***  Except in the United States, where the bugs would be sold at fast food outlets that would deep fry them, smother them with ketchup, serve you an oversized portion, and then ask, “You want fries with that?”

5.      In New Jersey, a 75 year old man and a 66 year old woman were arrested for running a drug and prostitution ring at a senior citizen retirement home.  ***  Now, that’s what I call “assisted living.”

6.      In Japan, the Mayor of Osaka says that the so-called “comfort women” who provided sex to Japanese soldiers in World War II were necessary so the soldiers could get some much needed rest.  ***  You know, the soldiers in France found a much better way to get some rest.  It’s called “surrender.”

7.      Medical researchers studying ancient skeletons in Germany have concluded that the Roman Empire may have come to an end because of the plague.  ***   They say it was due to the unfortunate combination of a deadly virus and an early version of Obamacare.

8.      Animal lovers are upset that a Mexican restaurant in Tampa, Florida is selling tacos made with lion meat.   ***   Boy, if you thought your rear end roared after eating regular tacos...

9.      Giant snails that can grow to almost 8 inches in length are invading Houston, Texas.  ***  Actually, they’re just passing through Houston on their way to the Alamo, and one of them was heard saying, “Gee, I hope we’re not late.”

10.    In Russia, a convicted murderer escaped from a maximum security prison by digging a hole through the ceiling with a spoon. If captured, he’ll face four additional years behind bars ***  and ten demerits from Martha Stewart for improper use of a utensil.

Friday, May 10, 2013

1.         Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 19 year old son Patrick was thrown out of a Hollywood  nightclub for misbehaving.  ***   The bouncer was heard to say, “I’m telling you for the last time, buddy, those are waitresses—not maids.”

2.         Lindsay Lohan is in the Betty Ford Center for rehabilitation and will be under lockdown for 90 days.   ***   If she tries to escape they’ll throw her into solitary confinement and make her watch 100 showings of “Liz & Dick.”

3.         The newest Star Trek movie, “Star Trek into Darkness,” opens this week and Paramount executives say they have done a few things to make this sequel more appealing to audiences in other countries.  ***  For example, in the movie the U.S. Congress votes to double all foreign aid, forgive all international debts and take away Madonna’s passport.

4.         The producers of “Jurassic Park 4” say that filming has been delayed to allow more time for development.  ***  For this sequel they want to come up with something really special:  A plot.

5.         Pope Francis says there is no room for “social climbers” in the clergy.   ***   He also prohibited priests from appearing on “The Kardashians,” participating in “Dancing with the Stars” and attending parties at the Playboy Mansion. 

6.         The company that makes Legos apologized to anyone offended by the figure of a construction worker that has a label saying, “Hey Babe.”  ***  You know, I think that’s totally inappropriate and inaccurate.  I believe the correct phrase is, “Hey Chickee, Chickee!  Hey Chickee, Chickee!” 

7.         Mark Sanford, the former South Carolina governor who was elected to Congress this week, says he meditates daily and likes several other aspects of Buddhism.  ***  In fact, he said he once met Buddha while hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

8.         Honey Boo Boo’s parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear, got married this past weekend.  They wore matching outfits made of camouflage fabric.  ***   You see, that’s the compromise version of eloping:  You still have a wedding, but nobody can see you.

9.         Justin Bieber’s entourage caused a commotion at the airport in Istanbul, Turkey when they walked through passport control without showing their travel documents.   ***  And the Bieber himself is in trouble for trying to sneak into the country without showing any proof of talent.

10.       Boeing has announced plans to build the world’s longest-range passenger jet with a range of 9,500 nautical miles. ***  The longer flight will give pilots more time to sober up before landing.

Friday, May 3, 2013

1.        The company Wool & Prince claims to have developed a fabric that allows a shirt to be worn 100 times between washings.   ***  I believe we already have that.  It’s called “retirement.”

2.        Police searching a man’s home in Watertown, Connecticut found 300 one-gallon containers filled with urine.  ***  So, now we know where Lance Armstrong’s real specimens ended up.

3.        NASA officials say that because of Congress’s failure to approve funding, they have to pay Russia $70 million per seat for trips to the International Space Station.  ***  They’re especially upset about the $10 million additional charge for each carry-on.

4.        France plans to save money by cutting 24,000 jobs in the military.   ***  In the future, soldiers will go into battle carrying a white flag with the symbol of a French franc to indicate that they are now surrendering for budgetary reasons.

5.        San Diego and Tijuana are considering a bid to co-host the 2024 Olympics.  ***  They are also proposing a new track and field event:  The 2,000 meter tunnel dash.

6.        By using advanced imaging equipment, scientists have been able to recover Alexander Graham Bell’s voice from a recording that he made on a wax-covered disc in 1885, a few years after he invented the telephone.  ***  I believe the recording says, “This is Alexander Graham Bell.  I can’t come to the phone right now...”

7.        Dozens of air shows across the country have been cancelled because military precision flying teams like the Blue Angels would not be performing due to sequester budget cuts.   ***  However, a few shows will go on.  By special arrangement they’ll be featuring flyovers by North Korean missiles.

8.        The personal ledger of F. Scott Fitzgerald has been made available on-line, and it shows that he was paid less than $2,000 for “The Great Gatsby.”   ***  However, he did pick up a few more bucks by writing the Cliffs Notes version.

9.        The Prime Minister of Turkey upset a lot of people in that country when he proclaimed that the national beverage was not beer, but rather, a non-alcoholic  drink made from yogurt.   ***  And then he declared that the national sport was Pilates.

10.      All five living presidents gathered in Texas for the opening of the George H. Bush presidential library.  ***  But, it was a bit awkward.  As a former librarian, Laura Bush made everybody whisper.