News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 25, 2019

1.   According to a study at the University of Iowa, a daily serving of fried chicken will increase your risk of any early death by 13%.  ***  Of course, that percentage is a lot higher if you’re the chicken.

2.   In a new biography of Eva Braun, the author claims Ms. Braun never had sex with Hitler because of pain due to a rare gynecological condition.  ***   Apparently when dealing with a Fuehrer you have to come up with something better than just a headache.

3.   After having an accident with his SUV, 97 year old Prince Philip is scheduled to take a “driver awareness” class.  ***  Senior Awareness Lesson #1: “If there’s a steering wheel is in front of you, you’re probably the driver.”

4.   In Texas, a woman has been banned from the Wichita Falls Walmart after she spent several hours driving an electric cart around the parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can.   ***  Or, as several Walmart shoppers described it, “fashionable travel mug.”  

5.   In the obituary for an 87 year old Louisville woman, her family added the comment, “Her passing was hastened by her continued frustration with the Trump administration.”  ***  After intense criticism, the family later admitted that the Trump administration did not actually hasten her death—it just made her look forward to it.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 18, 2019

1.   Members of an Australian airline flight crew have been charged with smuggling millions of dollars in heroin and methamphetamines.   ***   Authorities became suspicious after passengers complained there was never any room left in the overhead bins.

2.   A Paris restaurant that opened in 2017 to serve people in the nude is now closing due to a lack of customers.   ***   With apologies to 1992 presidential candidate Ross Perot, that giant sucking sound you hear is actually naked people getting up from vinyl seats.

3.   According to a recent study at Princeton, Facebook posts of fake news are shared seven times more often by people over 65.   ***   The university researchers said they were shocked by the results; they had no idea that seniors actually knew how to share a post.

4.   Kroger announced it is recalling most of its shrimp products.  ***  They sell special food for short people?

5.   The patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church says smart phones are paving the way for the Antichrist.   ***   Wow—These days there’s an app for everything.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 11, 2019

1.     The National Center for Health Statistics announced the bad news that U.S. birth rates are now too low to sustain current population levels, and they said the country’s lowest birth rate is in Washington D.C.   ***  The good news is that that’s the one place where we don’t want people to reproduce.

2.     Because men in Saudi Arabia can divorce their wives without telling them, the courts there have begun informing women of their divorces by texting them.  ***  And, to provide support to the newly divorced women, the texts also include the relevant legal documents, words of sympathy and a link to a good dating app.

3.     Several departing passengers at the Baltimore airport were injured when using the boarding jetway.   ***   Gate officials apologized, but said no one would have been hurt if there had actually been a plane waiting at the other end.

4.     Yesterday, in response to charges of sexual assault, Kevin Spacey made his first appearance in a courtroom in Nantucket.   ***   Legal experts say it was the first time formal charges had ever been read in the form of a limerick.

5.     Online dating observers say yesterday was the busiest day of the year for cyber-dating because people are lonely from holiday break-ups, they’ve made a New Year’s resolution to find someone new, and they really want to connect before Valentine’s Day.  ***  The singles who struck out yesterday were the ones who made the mistake of putting all that in their profile.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 4, 2019

1.   After Texas’s longhorn steer mascot charged Georgia’s bulldog mascot at the Sugar Bowl, PETA urged colleges to stop using live mascots at football games.  ***  To further promote public safety, PETA is also recommending that offensive linemen be kept on a leash.

2.   In 2018, Comcast dropped its bid for 21^st Century Fox, which would have included Fox News.  ***  We have now learned that Comcast executives felt it would be too much of a burden to run a media empire and a country.

3.   The Census Bureau has just released figures showing that Michigan’s population has jumped to almost 10 million people.   ***   Of course, it would have been closer to 2 million if they took the survey in winter.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 28, 2018

1.   A Michigan woman survived a roll-over accident on I-75 after losing control when her German shepherd jumped on the dash to bark at the windshield wipers.  ***  So, the car is upside down and smoking, the woman is distraught, all the emergency vehicles have arrived, and the dog is thinking, “I knew those things were trouble.”

2.   Stocks could lose 20% of their value in 2019 according to Todd Horwitz, a financial advisor with Bubba Trading.  ***   Generally, Bubba Trading recommends investing your money in old pick-up trucks, huntin’ dogs and a very large supply of beer.

3.   Scientists in Germany recently found traces of a Jurassic Period sea mammal known as “ichthyosaur,” but they said the only remaining material is the creature’s blubber, which has survived for 180 million years.   ***   Which kind of explains why it’s so hard to diet.     

4.   Arizona Governor Doug Ducey announced that even though there is a partial government shutdown, the Grand Canyon “will remain open.”  ***  Duh, I think it would be kinda tough to close it.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 21, 2018

1.   Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes has signed a major endorsement contract with Hunt’s Ketchup.   ***   Several other companies tried to do a deal with Mr. Mahomes, but the ketchup maker was the only one who could give him a fair shake.

2.   In a recent interview, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood said, “We’re in our 70’s, but we’re still rocking like we’re 40 year olds.”   ***   That’s amazing—I didn’t think any of the Stones could remember that far back.

3.   In order to reduce chaos at the gate, Delta Airlines is changing the way passengers board planes.  ***   Starting immediately, they’ll be required to board sober.

4.   Because of Pancho Villa’s crimes against Americans, the Tucson, Arizona community has been divided about what to do with a statue of the Mexican revolutionary riding a horse.  ***  In a compromise solution, the statue will be somewhat modified and the plaque will now read, “Pancho Villa’s Horse.” 

5.   Lou Ferrigno, who played “The Incredible Hulk,” was hospitalized after a reaction to a pneumonia shot.   ***  Unfortunately, all the doctors ran away when he started to turn green.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 14, 2018

1.   Under new rules, Delta Airlines will not allow you to take your emotional support animal on flights longer than 8 hours.   ***   Unless you’re the pilot. 

2.   An elderly British couple in their 70’s were arrested aboard the cruise ship Marco Polo after authorities found 20 pounds of cocaine hidden in their cabin.  ***    Well, that certainly seems to explain the huge waiting list for the senior cruise.

3.   In Torrance, California, two nuns have been accused of embezzling $500,000 from the Catholic school where they were teachers.  ***  That’s a major felony, so they’re facing some serious jail time and up to 25 raps on the knuckles with a giant ruler.

4.   In Alloa, Scotland, a mother sent her young son to school with an inflatable sheep for a manger scene, not realizing it was a blow-up sex toy.  ***    The first clue was when someone squeezed it and it said, “B-a-a-a-a-d Boy.”

5.   Ramsey Bearse, a former Miss Kentucky, has been charged with a sending a nude photo of herself to a high school student.   ***    Actually, it was just the standard Miss Kentucky pose, which included the tiara, the pageant sash and a strategically-placed bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.