News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 26, 2019

1.   In an interview on “Good Morning America,” former Disney star Bella Thorne announced that she is “pansexual.”  ***  I’m not sure exactly what that means, but PLEASE…keep her out of the kitchen!

2.   A man in Lagos, Nigeria terrified passengers when he jumped on the wing of a jet as it taxied for take-off and then tried to enter the cabin.   ***  He was immediately arrested and banned from watching re-runs of “The Twilight Zone.”

3.   Iran posted a video of its soldiers rappelling from a helicopter onto the deck of a British tanker, which is an effective method of taking control of a ship.  ***  They say it’s also a good way to get to the front of the buffet line.

4.   For the upcoming sequel of “Top Gun,” producers removed the Taiwanese flag from Tom Cruise’s iconic bomber jacket, presumably to appease Chinese investors.  ***  In another sign of Chinese influence, his call sign has been changed to “Mavelick.” 

5.   Jennifer Lopez stars as a professional stripper in the upcoming movie “Hustlers,” about a group of strippers who con wealthy scoundrels out of their money.   ***   It’s a bit more interesting than the original concept, “Scammers,” in which she would have just stayed home in her jammies and phoned old people.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 19, 2019

1.   Whoopi Goldberg revealed that she needs a personal driver because health issues have caused her eyesight to deteriorate.   ***    I’ve never watched the show, but is that why she has co-hosts on “The View”?     

2.   H. Ross Perot has died at the age of 89; as a presidential candidate he famously said “that giant sucking sound” is American jobs leaving the country.   ***   Now the giant sucking sound is Mr. Perot trying to take all his money with him.

3.   In Guthrie, Oklahoma, police pulled over two people driving a stolen car with an open bottle of whiskey, a rattlesnake and radioactive uranium.  ***  The amazing thing is that most men could come up with a story to make all of that sound perfectly reasonable…but would struggle to explain lipstick on their collar.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 12, 2019

1.   Warner Bros. Animation is producing a sequel to “The Flintstones,” but it’s an adult version.   ***  According to insiders, the film will show the real reason why the town was named “Bedrock.”

2.   Drivers on an Atlanta freeway stopped to grab $175,000 that had blown out of an open door on an armored truck.  ***   Drivers here in Michigan wouldn’t do that--we’d never interfere with anything that would help fill the potholes.

3.   Serena Williams has been handed a $10,000 fine for damaging a Wimbledon court by pounding it with her racket.  ***  Perhaps she can pay it with a refund from her anger management classes.

4.   Police were called to Disneyland after a vicious family brawl broke out.    ***   No children were involved because there was a sign that said, “You must be THIS TALL to fight.”

5.   Nearly 100 people driving to the Denver airport followed directions from Google Maps and ended up stuck in the middle of a muddy field.   ***   Experts say it was the worst route selection since Thelma and Louise.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 5, 2019

1.   A brief burst of radio waves picked up by a radio telescope array in Australia was traced to a galaxy 3.6 billion light years away.  ***  By analyzing the transmission, astronomers were able to learn that it was a beautiful morning on the planet Xzophrymbia, traffic was backed up on most of the freeways and the number one song has a very catchy beat.

2.   The Lifetime television network is planning a movie about the NXIVM cult led by Keith Raniere, who brainwashed his female followers into a depraved lifestyle that included abandoning their families, providing sex on demand  ***  and spending all their free time watching Lifetime Movies. 

3.   After missing in a California forest for an entire week, a 73 year old hiker was found alive and in good health.   ***   Authorities said he would have wandered even further into the wilderness if he hadn’t stopped for all those afternoon naps.  

4.   An IKEA store in England is selling homes for which the buyers only need to pay whatever they can afford.   ***   However, the assembly instructions cost an arm and a leg.