Friday, July 17, 2015

1.        The medical center where George H.W. Bush was treated for his neck injury has a children’s hospital named after his wife.  ***  So, of course he got preferential treatment: TWO lollipops.

2.        In order to appeal to millennials, La-Z-Boy is remodeling its furniture stores.   ***   And their recliners now feature charging stations, USB ports and integrated selfie cameras.

3.        Authorities believe the blast on a Rhode Island beach that blew a woman five feet into the air might have been due to methane from decaying seaweed  ***  or the two Burrito Supremes that she had for lunch.

4.        Computer code writing company Code.org is proud of its diversity efforts and says that now 43% of its employees are female.  ***  The other 57% declined the company’s offer of a free sex change.

5.        A nuclear agreement with Iran has been reached after both sides agreed to some major compromises.   ***  The U.S. will lift billions of dollars in trade sanctions and Iran promised to “Like” our Facebook page.

6.        Tom Cruise is preparing to film “Top Gun 2,” 30 years after the original.   ***   His new fighter jet will be equipped with barrier-free entry, large-text instrumentation and senior-friendly control knobs.

7.        Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs.  ***  When told that she would be getting the Ashe award, Caitlyn said, “That’s great, but aren’t my boobs nice, too?”

8.        Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin Guzman escaped from prison through an elaborate mile-long tunnel with lighting, ventilation and motorized dirt removal.  His nickname is “El Chapo.”  ***  Now, don’t confuse him with the prisoner who is still trying to dig his way out with a spoon. That would be “El Cheapo.”

9.        An anonymous benefactor has offered a $1 million reward for a pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz” which were stolen from a museum ten years ago.  ***  Previously, museum officials had appealed to the thief to return the stolen goods by just clicking the heels together three times. 

10.     Police are investigating a video showing Ariana Grande licking a tray of donuts in a Los Angeles donut shop.   ***  Officers O’Malley and Jackson said they just wanted to make sure she hadn’t touched any of the ones that were glazed, jelly filled or had white icing with all those little sprinkles on top.

Friday, July 10, 2015

1.        Friends of Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend, are urging him to go into rehab to stop his self-destructive behavior.  ***  Dating a Kardashian.

2.        A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology says that weeping can help a person in negotiations.  ***   So, we’ll know John Kerry is getting desperate with the Iranian nuclear talks when he starts bringing in a box of Kleenex.

3.        Soccer star Christiano Renaldo is in Tokyo promoting an electric muscle stimulator.  Last year he was there promoting a smile enhancing gadget.  ***  But now he’s found that the best way to enhance his smile is to sell a boatload of gimmicky muscle stimulators.

4.        Two women in Morocco face prison sentences for wearing dresses that were considered provocative because they were too tight.  ***   Well, it seems that Moroccan women have an extra incentive to diet.

5.        Starbucks is raising the price of its brewed coffee by 10 cents a cup.  ***  You know life is getting tough when it starts costing more just to wake up.

6.        In Pamplona, Spain, two Americans and a Brit were gored in this year’s “running of the bulls,” in which daredevils try to stay ahead of six rampaging bulls--a frightening experience. ***  Almost as frightening as retirees trying to stay ahead of inflation.

7.        Marie Helvin, the world’s oldest lingerie model, is retiring at the age of 62.  ***  She knew it was time to quit when she was asked to model the new line of thongs from Depends.

8.        A man posing as a security guard took $75,000 from an Oklahoma Wal-Mart.  ***  Last year he posed as a Wal-Mart greeter and issued 200 fraudulent “good mornings.”

9.        Researchers in New Zealand have studied the onset of aging in nearly a thousand people at the ages of 26, 32 and 38.  ***  And a similar study has been done with Hollywood actresses at the ages of 18, 19 and 20.

10.     Because of credit cards and electronic payments, many young people today don’t know how to write a check and there has been a fivefold increase in the number of Google searches for check writing instructions.  ***  Actually, I’ve been getting my check writing advice from a very helpful man in Nigeria.

Friday, July 3, 2015

1.        Sealed Air Corporation, which makes Bubble Wrap packaging, has introduced a new version of the product which is not “poppable.”   ***   However, for users who like to pop Bubble Wrap, the company will provide a free brochure describing 100 other ways to annoy people.

2.        Although they’re getting divorced, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Gardner will continue to live in the same house and “co-parent” their children.  Fortunately, the house is quite large, with enough space for separate living quarters for Ben, Jennifer  ***  and the full-time therapist for the kids.

3.        President Obama announced that the U.S. is opening an embassy in Cuba.  ***   And our ambassador there will be a well-known expert on Hispanic people:  Donald Trump.

4.        In the midst of the financial crisis, some banks in Greece are re-opening their doors, but say they will be serving customers over several days in alphabetical order.   ***   Bad news for Zorba the Greek.

5.        Captured prison escapee David Sweat says that contrary to earlier reports, he did not use power tools to cut his way to freedom.  ***  Unfortunately, that kills his chances for a really sweet endorsement deal with DeWalt.

6.        In Detroit, a 97 year old woman was reportedly distraught after sitting in her nephew’s car while it was carjacked.   ***  Sounds like another senior unfamiliar with the concept of valet parking.

7.        McDonald’s is trying to go upscale by adding lobster rolls to its menu.  ***  And nothing says fine dining like a waiter asking, “You want fries with that?”

8.        President Obama announced that he wants to change the law so that five million more workers will be eligible for overtime pay.  ***   Details have not yet been released, but he did have a time clock installed in the Oval Office.

9.        The Social Security Administration’s annual list of baby names shows that there is growing popularity of names that can be used for either a boy or a girl, like Jordan or Taylor  ***  or Caitlyn.

10.     This week an Illinois man was struck by lightning for the second time in 18 years. Ironically, his name is Rod, so he has an obvious nickname.  ***  Crispy?

Friday, June 26, 2015

1.        Lexographers say that “twerking”—which was recently made famous by Miley Cyrus—has actually been around for 200 years.  ***  However, they said Ms. Cyrus can have full credit for the term “skank.”

2.        Many listeners of the NPR radio show “Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me” voiced their disgust that a recent segment featured Kim Kardashian.   ***  In response, management said that future guests with questionable credentials will be featured on a new show, “Wait, Wait…While I Change Stations.”

3.        Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on “Saved by the Bell,” has been sentenced to 120 days in jail for stabbing a man in a fight.  ***   On a positive note, this experience has inspired a spinoff series, “Saved by the Bail.”

4.        Lady Gaga suffered a major “wardrobe malfunction” when she was out in public wearing only a jacket, which suddenly flew open.  ***   She was really embarrassed and immediately apologized for exposing that much to people who hadn’t bought tickets.

5.        In France, authorities have angrily accused the United States of spying on the last three French presidents.  ***  They say that’s an unforgivable invasion of privacy of their mistresses.

6.        A second prison guard has been arrested for helping the two New York inmates escape by delivering frozen hamburger meat to them, but he says he didn’t know there were tools hidden inside.  ***  However, he says maybe he should have been suspicious when he saw it was in bag from Home Depot.

7.        Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP leader who turned out to be white, says that she began to identify as a black when she was 5 years old and would use a brown crayon draw pictures of herself.  ***   Note to kids:  Back then, that was how you did a “selfie.”

8.        Two convicts who escaped from a New York State prison are believed to have hidden in a nearby hunting cabin, where police recovered prison-issued underwear.  ***  A police spokesman said an inspection of the underwear indicates the two men were really, really scared.

9.        Kim Kardashian has revealed that her second child is going to be a boy.   ***   At least for a few years.

10.     Ralph J. Roberts, the founder of Comcast, died last week at the age of 95.  ***  He was ready to go at 94, but God put him on hold.

Friday, June 19, 2015

1.        Disney World has canceled plans to fire 250 technology employees and replace them with foreigners with H-1B work visas.  ***  Apparently, when faced with the threat of termination the original employees swallowed their pride and agreed to wear mouse ears to work every day.

2.        Malaysian authorities arrested ten tourists for taking nude photos on the peak of a sacred mountain, and many people there blamed the disrespectful act for the volcanic eruption that occurred a few days later.  ***   You ought to see what they do to create an earthquake.

3.        A bottle of beer brewed for an 1875 expedition to the North Pole just sold at auction to a man in Scotland for $5,131.  ***  Afterwards, the buyer was quoted as saying, “I don’t always drink beer…but when I do, I pay really stupid money for it.”

4.        According to a report by Americans for Tax Fairness, Wal-Mart avoided taxes on $76 billion of profits by sheltering the funds in shell companies in Europe.  ***  Investigators were able to find the shady operations by looking for office buildings that had a greeter in the lobby.

5.        A man in Los Angeles has accused KFC of serving him a fried rat.  ***  KFC apologized for violating FDA regulations and immediately posted the meal’s caloric content.

6.        Adult film star Jenna Jameson says she has found God.  ***  She claims he was at her latest premier--third row, center.

7.        In Spokane, Washington, Rachel Dolezal resigned from her NAACP leadership position after it was revealed that her lineage is mostly German and Czech, not African-American. ***  However, she did point out that her German relatives live in the Black Forest.

8.        “Jurassic World” set a new box office opening weekend record.  Audiences loved seeing the return of creatures that were thought to be extinct.  ***  Experts are saying this might be a good sign for some of the GOP presidential candidates.

9.        With so many Republican presidential candidates, there is disagreement on how handle the August primary debate.   ***   Organizers are thinking of dropping the structured debate format and just going with open-mic night and a two drink minimum.

10.     In the current issue of “Annals of Internal Medicine,” researchers say that talking with a therapist can help people sleep better.  ***  On the other hand, some people might not want a therapist in their bedroom.

Friday, June 12, 2015

1.        According to a psychiatrist at Wake Forest University Medical School, children’s coloring books can actually help adults relieve stress.   ***   Yes, I always feel better after ripping a few of them in half.

2.        For the very first time, the Barbie doll now comes with articulated ankles so she can wear flats instead of high heels.  ***  Thank goodness!  Now when they go on dates Ken doesn’t have to wear those silly little lifts.

3.        In order to better understand and communicate with their young customer base, Taco Bell executives are learning terms that millennials use, such as “lit,” “throw shade” and “on fleek.”   ***  And they’re trying to avoid unfamiliar terms like “job,” “work” and “save.”

4.        LeBron James exposed his private parts to 18 million viewers when an ABC camera caught him adjusting his uniform prior to Game 4 of the NBA Finals.  ***   NBA officials were particularly bothered by the attached note that said, “This advertising space available.”

5.        A Disney studio archivist has revealed that the romantic spaghetti dinner scene in the 1955 animated movie “Lady and the Tramp” was almost cut by Walt Disney because of concerns that it wouldn’t be dignified.  ***  They did, however, drop the part where Tramp slurps up a bowl after bowl of Pellegrino and has to keep running to a tree.

6.        A bomb threat led to evacuation of the White House press room during a briefing by press secretary Josh Earnest.  ***   No bomb was found, but the specially-trained sniffer dogs did find five major exaggerations, seven evasive comments, three deceptive statements, a handful of blatant falsehoods and more than two pounds of spin.

7.        According to a survey by Linked-In, 70% of millennials would hide the fact that they had been fired when looking for a new job.   ***  The other 30% say they would stick by their principles and wouldn’t be caught dead looking for a job.

8.        “Duck Dynasty” stars Jep and Jessica Robertson included some shocking revelations in their new book, including Jep’s claim that he had been repeatedly abused by an older girl on a school bus.  ***  He said, “You know, you really gotta watch out for those darn Duggar kids.”

9.        In a recent radio interview, Britney Spears revealed that she likes to paint while topless and listening to Mariah Carey.  ***   You know, I just can’t picture her listening to Mariah Carey.

10.     Two inmates in a New York State prison escaped by cutting through a steel wall, a steam pipe and a locked manhole cover with power tools.  ***  In hindsight, officials say they probably should have been suspicious when the prisoners requested a dozen extension cords.

Friday, June 5, 2015

1.        Russia’s defense minister says his country is developing a special gun that can temporarily shut down a target’s higher mental capacities and turn them into easily controlled “zombies.”  ***   I believe we already developed something like that here in the U.S.   It’s called Scientology.

2.        Today is National Free Donut Day.   ***  Or as the cops call it, Friday.

3.        Last week Detroit police cordoned off a downtown street after some unidentified barrels were spotted there.  ***  Actually, authorities were alarmed because they noticed the street had no potholes.  Very suspicious.

4.        The Army’s new camouflage uniforms will be in military stores beginning July 1^st.  ***  People should start finding them by July 2^nd.

5.        Doctors in Switzerland say Secretary of State John Kerry suffered a broken leg and abrasions when his bicycle hit a curb.  ***  However, they’re pretty sure that hallucinating about Iran being trustworthy was a pre-existing condition.

6.        A man in Flint, Michigan has been arrested and charged with stealing 32 tons of bacon over a period of four years.  ***  It took a while, but police were eventually able to nab him by staking out the admissions desks at all the cardiac wards.

7.        The U.S. Supreme Court overturned the conviction of a man who had posted threating messages on Facebook.  Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the majority opinion,  ***  which stated that Facebook posts are trivial, inconsequential and meaningless unless they include a cat.

8.        Dustin Diamond, the actor who played “Screech” in the sitcom “Saved by the Bell,” has just been found guilty of a misdemeanor stemming from a 2014 bar fight involving a knife.  ***   I believe the charge was “Shouting with an annoying voice.”

9.        “Bachelor” reality star Chris Soule says it was really difficult to break off his engagement with Whitney Bischoff.  ***  First he had to find someone to write the script, then he had to memorize his lines, then he had to get wardrobe approval, then he had to make it look unrehearsed…

10.     McDonald’s says part of its recovery strategy is to win back customers with better buns.   ***  Why do they want customers with better buns?