News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 4, 2016

1.   In Tokyo, a patient on the operating table was seriously burned when she passed gas and it was accidentally ignited by a laser device.   ***  The doctors certainly learned an important lesson:  When using a hot laser beam to operate on a patient, don’t pull her finger. 

2.   Charlie Sheen, who played Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn in the movie “Major League,” is reportedly miffed that he wasn’t chosen to throw out the first pitch at the World Series.  ***  Maybe it’s because he insisted on being accompanied on the mound by two hookers, his drug dealer and a bottle of scotch.

3.   Kendall Jenner says she suffers from “sleep paralysis” and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night completely unable to move.  ***  You know it’s serious when a Kardashian can’t even take a selfie.

4.   Following a paperwork error, the Los Angeles County coroner’s office has apologized for cremating the wrong person.  ***  They were supposed to cremate another man—one who had already died.

5.   Bill Cosby’s lawyers are asking that sexual assault charges be dropped because he is now blind and cannot defend himself.  ***  Mr. Cosby, however, says he wants to continue with the trial and try to identify the accusers by feel.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 4, 1845 – The first nationally observed election day is held in the U.S.  ***  Officials found it was much more efficient to have all the voting fraud take place at the same time.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1883 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules that Indians can't be Americans.  ***  The Indians were confused by the ruling, and also couldn’t understand why “Chief Justice” didn’t wear a headdress.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1966 – The “Cuban Adjustment Act” is established, allowing 123,000 Cubans to apply for permanent residence in the United States ***  and get one free chiropractic treatment.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1870 – The U.S. Weather Bureau begins operations.  ***   It was established a few days earlier, but operations couldn’t begin until the dart boards arrived.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1846 – The Donner party is unable to cross the Sierra Nevadas and constructs a winter camp.  ***   However, it was Halloween and, unfortunately, one of the Donners dressed up as a Happy Meal.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 28, 2016

1.   Nordstrom’s is being criticized for showing political favoritism by carrying Ivanka Trump’s line of fashions.  ***  The store apologized and promised to create a new women’s section dedicated entirely to pantsuits.

2.   It has been revealed that Donald Trump once considered producing a reality TV show in which former Miss USA contestants would compete to get hired by him.  ***  I believe it was called “Make America Grope Again.”

3.   Uber has announced that it will be giving free flu shots.   ***  However, it is recommended that their drivers keep one hand on the wheel and wait for a smooth stretch of road.

4.   As a test of autonomous technology, a Budweiser delivery truck successfully completed a 120-mile trip across Colorado without a driver.   ***   For their next test, the engineers are going to bring out the wagon and blindfold the Clydesdales.  

5.   NASCAR has fined a crew chief $10,000 for violating the “lug nut rule.”  ***  I believe that’s the rule that says every member of a NASCAR pit crew must be smarter than a lug nut.

6.   The Mars candy company is launching a major new product: Caramel M&M’s.  ***  Thank goodness they “melt in your mouth,” because it’s tough to chew when your teeth are stuck together.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 28, 1790 – New York gives up claims to Vermont for $30,000.  ***  And a lifetime supply of syrup.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1913 – President Woodrow Wilson says the United States will never attack another country.  ***  Yep, if we want to bring another country to ruin, we just introduce the Kardashians. 

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1973 – President Nixon releases the first White House tapes on the Watergate scandal.  ***  DickiLeaks.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1946 – The first trial against Nazi war criminals begins in Nuremberg.   ***    The German prisoners were pretty confident…until they walked in and saw Judge Judy on the bench.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 21, 2016

1.   Kim Kardashian is reportedly so upset from the Paris robbery that friends and family are now handling her web site and app.  ***  In fact, she’s so distraught she needs to have someone else hold the smart phone for all her selfies.

2.   With so many incidents of people in clown outfits robbing banks and terrorizing children, a lot of communities are banning clown costumes.  ***  Now the folks at the Ringling Brothers Circus are really getting frustrated.  In fact, they’re so upset they’re going to get rid of all their clowns and bring back the elephants.

3.   Chinese scientists announced that their huge 1,654 foot “radio telescope” will be joining a $100 million international program to find signs of alien life.  ***  Or a really good oldies station.

4.   When the wife of Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari said she might not support his re-election, he stated, “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” ***  Mr. Buhari later announced that his campaign headquarters has been relocated to the doghouse.

5.   Officials at the Vatican are upset at McDonald’s plans to open a fast food restaurant right next to St. Peter’s Square.  ***   In a spirit of compromise, however, McDonald’s said customers waiting in line will be required speak softly, keep their hands folded and kneel while ordering.

6.   Police in several states are warning people that the creepy clowns terrorizing neighborhoods and businesses can be dangerous.  ***  If one of them sneezes his nose could fly off and cause serious injuries.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 20, 1965 – The Beatles receive a gold record for "Yesterday.”  ***  “Oh, thank you for the gold record. What’s it for?”  “It’s for ‘Yesterday’.” “Really? What did we do yesterday?”  “You sang ‘Yesterday’.”  “I know we sang yesterday. We sang the day before, too, but we didn’t get a gold record...”

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 19, 1216 – King John of England dies and is succeeded by Henry, his nine-year-old son.   ***  In the following years, brussel sprouts were outlawed, convicted criminals had to stand in the corner and all international conflicts were resolved with a game of rock-paper-scissors.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 18, 1929 – A high court rules that women are considered "Persons" under Canadian law.  ***  But only if they play hockey .

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 17, 1972 – Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-ling" hits #1 on the pop charts.  ***  Later, it became the theme song for Viagra commercials.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 14, 2016

1.  Geraldo Rivera says he has a video that would be very embarrassing to Donald Trump.  ***  And Mr. Trump has recordings that would be very embarrassing to Mr. Rivera—all the old episodes of the “Geraldo” show. 

2.  Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  ***   In announcing the award, the Nobel committee said if it wasn’t for Colombia’s coffee beans people would be a lot more ornery in the morning.

3.  Samsung is recalling all Galaxy Note 7 smartphones because they have a tendency to burst into flames.  ***  Unfortunately, that means a lot of Boy Scouts now have to find another way to start campfires.

4.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the 83 year old Supreme Court justice, says that kneeling during the national anthem is “dumb and disrespectful.”  ***   She also pointed out that at her age it’s awkward, painful and difficult to get back up.

5.  Researchers at the University of Cambridge have found that some people tend to love cheese because of their DNA.  ***  Those people also like to scurry across the floor and occasionally squeak.

6.  On this date in history:  Oct 14, 1968 – Astronauts aboard Apollo 7 make the first live telecast from a U.S. spacecraft.  ***  People watching on Earth just couldn’t believe it—an entire TV broadcast without commercials.  

7.  On this date in history:  Oct 13, 1995 – Pamela Anderson is rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms.  *** The ambulance is met at the ER by 25 doctors with stethoscopes.

8.  On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1773 – America's first asylum opens for “Persons of insane and disordered minds” in Virginia.  ***  A few years later, a second location was established in nearby Washington D.C., but inmates there have to be voted in.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1881 - David Houston patents roll film for cameras.  ***  Note to millennials:  Ask Siri to explain “film.”

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1991 – Greyhound Bus ends bankruptcy.  ***  Cost-cutting measures include more efficient buses, dropping unprofitable routes and letting passengers take turns doing the driving. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 7, 2016

1.  As residents prepared for Hurricane Matthew, authorities in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina asked everyone to not call 9-1-1 over gas shortage squabbles and to be patient with one another.  ***   You know, that’s one sign that the end of civilization is near…when people can’t even be nice to each other in “Mount PLEASANT.” 

2.  A 30 year old man from Little Rock, Arkansas is claiming to be Bill Clinton’s biological son, saying that Mr. Clinton had a relationship with his mother when she was a prostitute.  ***  The man hasn’t done a DNA comparison yet, but he has Bill Clinton’s eyes, Bill Clinton’s nose and a strong desire to have sex with every woman he meets.

3.  As Hurricane Matthew approaches, thousands of East Coast residents are heading to higher ground.  ***  Well, that’s one way to avoid politicians.

4.  The robbers who broke into Kim Kardashian’s hotel room gagged her and tied her to a chair.  ***  Actually, if they had studied pictures of her they would have brought a lot more rope.

5.  LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton and says she is the only candidate who can understand the struggles of an Akron child born into poverty.  ***  Actually, Donald Trump also understands poverty, but he defines it as a family with a small mansion, only one summer home, and no chauffeur.

6.  On this date in history:  Oct 7, 1960 – "Route 66" premieres.  ***  It’s the story of two young men in a Corvette who wander up and down the same highway for years rather than ask for directions.

7.  On this date in history:  Oct 6, 1884 – The Naval War College is established in Newport, Rhode Island.  ***  It was just down the road from the Naval War High School.

8.  On this date in history:  Oct 5, 1892 – Members of the Dalton Gang are killed in a shoot-out at a Coffeyville, Kansas bank.   ***   And that was the last time that anyone ever challenged the overdraft fees.    

9.  On this date in history:  Oct 4, 1883 – The Orient Express makes its first run, linking Turkey to Europe.  ***   The train featured a comfortable ride, good food and an occasional murder.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 3, 1955 – "Captain Kangaroo" premieres.  ***   Little kids watching the show for the first time were disappointed to find out that he can’t even hop. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 30, 2016

1.  Kim Kardashian plans to get a restraining order against the guy who ran up to her in Paris and tried to kiss her butt.  ***  Ms. Kardashian said she appreciates the gesture, but clarified that she only wants people to do that figuratively.

2.  A study at Michigan State University has found that riding a roller coaster can help men pass a kidney stone.  ***  Although it can be a little messy for the people sitting behind them.

3.  According to the website Delish.com, at least ten popular breakfast cereals have more sugar per serving than a glazed donut.  ***   OK, but I’m guessing that cops are still going to stick with the donut.

4.  Target has removed kids’ “mini carts” from its stores after complaints about carts careening out of control, bumping into people, and blocking the aisles.  ***  It just wasn’t safe having little kids around carts pushed by seniors.

5.  Professional ballerinas are upset at Kendall Jenner after she posed for Vogue in a variety of ballet outfits.  ***  What a bunch of whiners…I mean, you don’t hear prostitutes complaining when she dresses like a hooker.

6.  On this date in history:  Sep 30, 1452 – Johann Guttenberg's press prints its first book, the Bible.  ***   The print was sharp, the binding was tight and Bible-thumpers everywhere said it was perfectly thumpable. (In fact, they gave it two thumps up.)

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 29, 1969 – ABC premieres "Love American Style."  ***    Let’s see, that would include exaggerated profiles on match.com, countless displays of affection on Facebook and an ironclad pre-nup. 

8.  On this date in history:  Sep 28, 1980 – Jaromir Wagner becomes the first person to fly across the Atlantic standing on the wing.  ***  A bit cold, but much cheaper than coach.

9.  On this date in history:  Sep 27, 1988 – Lab tests reportedly show the “Shroud of Turin” is not Christ`s burial cloth.   ***   Perhaps beach blanket? 

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 26, 1957 – The musical "West Side Story" opens on Broadway.   ***  And, in a display of political correctness, the theater offered the East Side equal time to tell its story.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 23, 2016

1.  After hearing reports of clowns trying to lure kids into the woods, an 11 year-old girl in Athens, Georgia brought a knife to school for protection.  ***  That’s ridiculous.  Everyone knows you fight clowns with seltzer bottles.

2.  Physicist Stephen Hawking says we should not announce our presence to alien beings in outer space, especially if they are superior to us.   ***  Actually, if they are superior, we should check and see if they’d like to run for president.

3.  Chinese scientists announced that their out-of-control space station will re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere next year and could strike a populated area.  ***  They said to determine if you’re at risk, check your next fortune cookie.

4.  Pizza Hut has introduced the Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza, which is a cross between a pizza and a grilled cheese sandwich…  ***  …and the eating experience is a cross between indigestion and a heart attack.

5.  Selena Gomez reportedly changed her phone number so Justin Bieber can’t reach her.    ***   Me, too…and it’s working.

6.  On this date in history:  Sep 23, 1969 – The Northern Star newspaper at Norther Illinois University starts a rumor that Paul McCartney is dead.   ***  Technically, they weren’t wrong, just early. 

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 22, 1692 – The last person is hanged for witchcraft in the U.S.  ***   Now we just vote them out of office.

8.  On this date in history:  Sep 21, 1930 – Johann Ostermeyer patents the flashbulb.  ***  If that was today’s camera technology, the Kardashians would go blind from selfies.

9.  On this date in history:  Sep 20, 1945 – German rocket engineers from World War II begin working in the U.S.   ***   Same technology, different targets. 

10.  On this date in history:  Sept 19, 1970 – The "Mary Tyler Moore Show” premieres.  ***  She plays a young TV news producer who is always cheerful and upbeat in spite of only making 72% of what a man would be paid.