News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 5, 2019

1.   A brief burst of radio waves picked up by a radio telescope array in Australia was traced to a galaxy 3.6 billion light years away.  ***  By analyzing the transmission, astronomers were able to learn that it was a beautiful morning on the planet Xzophrymbia, traffic was backed up on most of the freeways and the number one song has a very catchy beat.

2.   The Lifetime television network is planning a movie about the NXIVM cult led by Keith Raniere, who brainwashed his female followers into a depraved lifestyle that included abandoning their families, providing sex on demand  ***  and spending all their free time watching Lifetime Movies. 

3.   After missing in a California forest for an entire week, a 73 year old hiker was found alive and in good health.   ***   Authorities said he would have wandered even further into the wilderness if he hadn’t stopped for all those afternoon naps.  

4.   An IKEA store in England is selling homes for which the buyers only need to pay whatever they can afford.   ***   However, the assembly instructions cost an arm and a leg.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 28, 2019

1.   A waitress in a Chicago cocktail lounge reportedly spit on Eric Trump.  ***  Actually, that’s just the Midwest version of a golden shower.

2.   To prevent a small automotive firm from copying an iconic design, a court in Italy ruled that the legendary Ferrari 250 GTO is legally a work of art.  ***   The Italian judges also declared that all German cars are crap, British cars aren’t much better and French cars don’t even count.

3.   The U.S. has reportedly carried out a cyberattack against Iran’s military control network.  ***   In a cruel and heartless response, Iran has threatened to target America’s seniors by hacking into our computer games and removing one card from all the solitaire decks.

4.   Romance novelist Judith Krantz has died at the age of 91. She is survived by two sons, a daughter-in-law…  ***  …and over 100 imaginary lovers.

5.   In Pismo Beach, California, a 13 year old girl walking along the water was attacked and bitten by a sea lion.  *** Unfortunately, she has started having nightmares, but on the other hand, she can now enthusiastically clap her hands while balancing a ball on her nose.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 21, 2019

1.   A Delta flight from Indianapolis to Paris was diverted to Detroit to deplane a passenger who had smacked a flight attendant.  ***  He was last overheard telling an FBI agent, “Honest, when she came by with the cart I thought she said ‘Time for smacks.’ I thought well, maybe things are different here in first class.”

2.   Cuba Gooding Jr., whose film credits include “A Few Good Men,” has been accused of groping an unknown woman in a New York City bar.  ***  Mr. Gooding is hoping the subsequent legal actions won’t interfere with the filming of his latest movie, “A Few Good Men and One Creepy One.”

3.   Facebook recently shut down 2.28 billion fraudulent accounts.  ***   Using a highly complex sorting algorithm, they took down any account that didn’t have selfies, grandchildren or a cat video.

4.   OJ Simpson has been released from prison and he says he’s going to spend some time “getting even.”   ***  Yeah -- even meaner, even creepier and even dumber.

5.   This past weekend Mass was celebrated at Notre Dame Cathedral for the first time since the fire, and because of the risk from falling debris the congregation and the priests all wore protective hard hats.   ***  And, as usual, the altar boys all wore their protective underwear. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 14, 2019

1.   The mayor of Bruges, Belgium is trying to control the influx of tourists and he said, “We don't want it to become a complete Disneyland here.”  ***  On the other hand, he did put up all those signs that say, “You must be THIS tall to visit Bruges.”

2.   Burger King is condemning the actions of an employee after a customer’s video showed him cleaning a table with a floor mop.  ***  Well, at least he didn’t use the toilet bowl brush.

3.   According to an environmental advocacy group, traces of weed killer have been found in many brands of cereal.   ***   Well, that certainly explains why I’ve never seen dandelions in my Cheerios.

4.   An oak tree that was planted on the South Lawn of the White House last year by French President Macron and American President Trump has died.   ***   Maybe they took the international friendship theme too far when they watered it with French wine and fertilized it with Big Macs.

5.   A recent study by the British Heart Association found that people can drink as much as 25 cups of coffee a day without damaging their heart.  ***  With that much caffeine most of their injuries will come from starting fights in the line at Starbucks.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 7, 2019

1.   Beverly Hills has become the first U.S. city to ban the sale of tobacco products, and Mayor John Mirisch proclaimed, “This reflects the values of our community.”   ***   He said the people of Beverly Hills believe money is better spent on facelifts, tummy tucks and tanning salons.

2.   Contrary to earlier reports, Kim Jong Un apparently showed some restraint and did not execute the man who led the failed denuclearization talks with President Trump.  ***   He only executed the guy responsible for the cold coffee and stale croissants.

3.   Ireland is changing its divorce laws because the current process is overly restrictive and unfair.  ***  For example, to file the necessary paperwork, men actually have to leave the pub.

4.   The Coach & Horses pub in London has just been granted a nudist license, so now the staff and customers can all be naked.  ***  Men should probably not order their whiskey “on the rocks.”

5.   A United Nations human rights investigator says Julian Assange has been suffering from psychological torture.   ***  Dozens of visits from Pamela Anderson and she never wore her swimsuit from Baywatch.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 31, 2019

1.   In England, court documents have revealed how the wife of a jailed banker managed to run up charges of $20 million dollars at Harrods.   ***  First of all, she didn’t use coupons.

2.   During a recent news conference, Congressman Jerry Nadler, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, appeared to faint.  ***  He just heard that a republican had actually complied with one of his subpoenas.

3.   In northern France, a 102 year old woman is suspected of killing her 92 year old neighbor.  ***  Previously, her way of dealing with enemies was just to outlive them.

4.   Lawyer Michael Avenatti has been charged with defrauding Stormy Daniels of $300,000 and committing “identity theft.”  ***  Of course, that whole stolen identity scam fell apart when he did his first pole dance.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 24, 2019

1.   Grumpy the Cat has died.   ***   Had 9 lives, wanted 10.

2.   It was recently revealed that actor Luke Perry had been buried in an eco-friendly “mushroom suit.”  ***  Seems strange, but I guess it’s just a matter of personal taste. Frankly, I’d prefer pepperoni.

3.   Agriculture experts say President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese products is helping U.S. garlic farmers, who had difficulty competing with cheaper garlic from China.  ***  China, however, has threatened to retaliate by withholding all shipments of breath mints.

4.   Facebook officials recently revealed a serious security flaw in the “WhatsApp” platform.  ***  They said that due to a loophole in the software, it’s possible for the site to be used by seniors.

5.   According to an extensive study by the Reputation Institute, the retailer that has established the best reputation is Barnes & Noble.  ***  Actually, Barnes & Noble didn’t “write the book” on developing a good reputation, but they probably sold it.