News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 25, 2016--HIATUS THIS WEEK

I'm sorry, but "Bill's Pills" is on hiatus this Thanksgiving week. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.  Please check back next Friday for a new batch of jokes.

Bill

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 18, 2016

1.   United Airlines plans to increase restrictions on “low-fare” passengers, such as limiting them to one carry-on bag that must fit under their seat.  ***  And for the “ultra-low-fare,” the passenger must fit under the seat.

2.   During the next few months most Kenneth Cole retail stores will be closing their doors, but their fashions will still be available online.  ***   As they say, “When God closes a door, He opens a website.”

3.   The 3-year, $60 million restoration of the Capitol Dome has just been completed, so congressmen no longer have to worry about construction equipment, falling debris and tripping hazards. ***  However, it’s still extremely dangerous to cross the aisle.

4.   There are rumors that President-elect Trump may request security clearance for three of his children, giving them access to secure communications technology, travel schedules and Secret Service procedures. However, they would not be privy to the really sensitive information, such as intelligence reports, operational plans...***...and their father's tax returns.

5.   UltraViolet, a women’s advocacy organization, sent Hillary Clinton 1,000 roses after her election loss.   ***   Of course, the vase had to be huge—not because there were so many flowers, but because it was filled with tears from the group’s recent cry-in.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 18, 1805 – In Wiscasset, Maine, thirty ladies organize the first women's club in America, the Female Charitable Society.   *** Basically, they go around saying nice things about people who don’t deserve it.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1970 – Douglas Engelbart receives a patent for the first computer mouse.  ***  Of course, to make the patent coverage as broad as possible he referred to it as an “electronic rodent.”

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1676 – The first colonial prison is established in Nantucket.  ***  The inmates spent all their time writing limericks.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1937 – For the first time, a U.S. congressional session is held in air-conditioned chambers.  ***  But that was almost 80 years ago, and we’re still waiting for cooler heads to prevail.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1732 – The first professional librarian in America, Louis Timothee, is hired in Philadelphia.  ***  There were other good candidates, but he had the most intimidating “Sh-h-h-h-h.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 11, 2016

1.   In the wake of the presidential election, a lot of people have started looking into the procedures for impeachment.  ***  However, most folks feel it’s better to just chill out and let Mr. Obama finish his term.

2.   Scientists trying to combat jet lag are studying the genes of fruit flies, which have strong 24 hour body clocks.  ***  Actually, they’ve already developed one jet lag cure, but it makes you go crazy around over-ripe bananas.

3.   Vatican officials angrily denounced a Chinese priest who claimed to have promoted himself to bishop.  ***  Imagine how upset they were the following day when they saw white smoke coming out of his chimney.

4.   A woman on the Dr. Phil Show claimed that she is pregnant with Jesus.  ***   Great! After Jesus is born, I look forward to him and Dr. Phil accusing each other of having a God complex.

5.   On the AOL web site, AOL Entertainment posted the teaser headline, “Here’s who Britney Spears wants to win the presidency.”   ***  And the sub-headline promised to also identify the three people who care.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 11, 1926 – U.S. Route 66 is established.   ***   Don’t confuse that with Route 666, which is the highway to hell.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1908 – The first free Gideon Bibles are put in hotel rooms. *** Gideon’s strategy became apparent a few years later when he began introducing his money-making products: The Gideon Vibrating Mattress, Gideon Videos and finally, the Gideon Minibar. 

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 9, 2009 – Joe Cada becomes the youngest champion of the World Series of Poker.  ***  In fact, when he arrived his mother dropped him off with his Spiderman backpack, his lunch money and a deck of cards.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1910 – William H. Frost receives the first U.S. patent for an electrical device that kills insects.   ***   You smash them with a battery.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1910 – The first air freight shipment is made by the Wright Brothers for department store owner Max Moorehouse.   ***   “What, Max?  You want a ‘tracking number’?  OK, it’s 1.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 4, 2016

1.   In Tokyo, a patient on the operating table was seriously burned when she passed gas and it was accidentally ignited by a laser device.   ***  The doctors certainly learned an important lesson:  When using a hot laser beam to operate on a patient, don’t pull her finger. 

2.   Charlie Sheen, who played Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn in the movie “Major League,” is reportedly miffed that he wasn’t chosen to throw out the first pitch at the World Series.  ***  Maybe it’s because he insisted on being accompanied on the mound by two hookers, his drug dealer and a bottle of scotch.

3.   Kendall Jenner says she suffers from “sleep paralysis” and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night completely unable to move.  ***  You know it’s serious when a Kardashian can’t even take a selfie.

4.   Following a paperwork error, the Los Angeles County coroner’s office has apologized for cremating the wrong person.  ***  They were supposed to cremate another man—one who had already died.

5.   Bill Cosby’s lawyers are asking that sexual assault charges be dropped because he is now blind and cannot defend himself.  ***  Mr. Cosby, however, says he wants to continue with the trial and try to identify the accusers by feel.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 4, 1845 – The first nationally observed election day is held in the U.S.  ***  Officials found it was much more efficient to have all the voting fraud take place at the same time.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1883 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules that Indians can't be Americans.  ***  The Indians were confused by the ruling, and also couldn’t understand why “Chief Justice” didn’t wear a headdress.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1966 – The “Cuban Adjustment Act” is established, allowing 123,000 Cubans to apply for permanent residence in the United States ***  and get one free chiropractic treatment.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1870 – The U.S. Weather Bureau begins operations.  ***   It was established a few days earlier, but operations couldn’t begin until the dart boards arrived.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1846 – The Donner party is unable to cross the Sierra Nevadas and constructs a winter camp.  ***   However, it was Halloween and, unfortunately, one of the Donners dressed up as a Happy Meal.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 28, 2016

1.   Nordstrom’s is being criticized for showing political favoritism by carrying Ivanka Trump’s line of fashions.  ***  The store apologized and promised to create a new women’s section dedicated entirely to pantsuits.

2.   It has been revealed that Donald Trump once considered producing a reality TV show in which former Miss USA contestants would compete to get hired by him.  ***  I believe it was called “Make America Grope Again.”

3.   Uber has announced that it will be giving free flu shots.   ***  However, it is recommended that their drivers keep one hand on the wheel and wait for a smooth stretch of road.

4.   As a test of autonomous technology, a Budweiser delivery truck successfully completed a 120-mile trip across Colorado without a driver.   ***   For their next test, the engineers are going to bring out the wagon and blindfold the Clydesdales.  

5.   NASCAR has fined a crew chief $10,000 for violating the “lug nut rule.”  ***  I believe that’s the rule that says every member of a NASCAR pit crew must be smarter than a lug nut.

6.   The Mars candy company is launching a major new product: Caramel M&M’s.  ***  Thank goodness they “melt in your mouth,” because it’s tough to chew when your teeth are stuck together.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 28, 1790 – New York gives up claims to Vermont for $30,000.  ***  And a lifetime supply of syrup.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1913 – President Woodrow Wilson says the United States will never attack another country.  ***  Yep, if we want to bring another country to ruin, we just introduce the Kardashians. 

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1973 – President Nixon releases the first White House tapes on the Watergate scandal.  ***  DickiLeaks.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1946 – The first trial against Nazi war criminals begins in Nuremberg.   ***    The German prisoners were pretty confident…until they walked in and saw Judge Judy on the bench.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 21, 2016

1.   Kim Kardashian is reportedly so upset from the Paris robbery that friends and family are now handling her web site and app.  ***  In fact, she’s so distraught she needs to have someone else hold the smart phone for all her selfies.

2.   With so many incidents of people in clown outfits robbing banks and terrorizing children, a lot of communities are banning clown costumes.  ***  Now the folks at the Ringling Brothers Circus are really getting frustrated.  In fact, they’re so upset they’re going to get rid of all their clowns and bring back the elephants.

3.   Chinese scientists announced that their huge 1,654 foot “radio telescope” will be joining a $100 million international program to find signs of alien life.  ***  Or a really good oldies station.

4.   When the wife of Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari said she might not support his re-election, he stated, “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” ***  Mr. Buhari later announced that his campaign headquarters has been relocated to the doghouse.

5.   Officials at the Vatican are upset at McDonald’s plans to open a fast food restaurant right next to St. Peter’s Square.  ***   In a spirit of compromise, however, McDonald’s said customers waiting in line will be required speak softly, keep their hands folded and kneel while ordering.

6.   Police in several states are warning people that the creepy clowns terrorizing neighborhoods and businesses can be dangerous.  ***  If one of them sneezes his nose could fly off and cause serious injuries.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 20, 1965 – The Beatles receive a gold record for "Yesterday.”  ***  “Oh, thank you for the gold record. What’s it for?”  “It’s for ‘Yesterday’.” “Really? What did we do yesterday?”  “You sang ‘Yesterday’.”  “I know we sang yesterday. We sang the day before, too, but we didn’t get a gold record...”

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 19, 1216 – King John of England dies and is succeeded by Henry, his nine-year-old son.   ***  In the following years, brussel sprouts were outlawed, convicted criminals had to stand in the corner and all international conflicts were resolved with a game of rock-paper-scissors.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 18, 1929 – A high court rules that women are considered "Persons" under Canadian law.  ***  But only if they play hockey .

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 17, 1972 – Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-ling" hits #1 on the pop charts.  ***  Later, it became the theme song for Viagra commercials.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 14, 2016

1.  Geraldo Rivera says he has a video that would be very embarrassing to Donald Trump.  ***  And Mr. Trump has recordings that would be very embarrassing to Mr. Rivera—all the old episodes of the “Geraldo” show. 

2.  Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  ***   In announcing the award, the Nobel committee said if it wasn’t for Colombia’s coffee beans people would be a lot more ornery in the morning.

3.  Samsung is recalling all Galaxy Note 7 smartphones because they have a tendency to burst into flames.  ***  Unfortunately, that means a lot of Boy Scouts now have to find another way to start campfires.

4.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the 83 year old Supreme Court justice, says that kneeling during the national anthem is “dumb and disrespectful.”  ***   She also pointed out that at her age it’s awkward, painful and difficult to get back up.

5.  Researchers at the University of Cambridge have found that some people tend to love cheese because of their DNA.  ***  Those people also like to scurry across the floor and occasionally squeak.

6.  On this date in history:  Oct 14, 1968 – Astronauts aboard Apollo 7 make the first live telecast from a U.S. spacecraft.  ***  People watching on Earth just couldn’t believe it—an entire TV broadcast without commercials.  

7.  On this date in history:  Oct 13, 1995 – Pamela Anderson is rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms.  *** The ambulance is met at the ER by 25 doctors with stethoscopes.

8.  On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1773 – America's first asylum opens for “Persons of insane and disordered minds” in Virginia.  ***  A few years later, a second location was established in nearby Washington D.C., but inmates there have to be voted in.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1881 - David Houston patents roll film for cameras.  ***  Note to millennials:  Ask Siri to explain “film.”

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1991 – Greyhound Bus ends bankruptcy.  ***  Cost-cutting measures include more efficient buses, dropping unprofitable routes and letting passengers take turns doing the driving.