News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 27, 2017

1.   A Long Island woman and her two adult children have been arrested and accused of seven robberies, including two Family Dollar stores and a Dollar Tree.   ***   Bail was set at $1 each or three for $2.

2.   CNN is launching its new tag line, “Facts First,” with an ad showing an apple and a narrator saying some people claim it’s a banana.  ***  Then Anthony Weiner comes on and says, “You want a banana?  I’ll show you a banana…”

3.   Haribo, a German candy company, has promised an internal investigation after a TV documentary revealed abusive labor practices.  ***    In one unbelievable example, a black & white video clip showed two frantic women struggling to keep up with all the chocolates coming down a speeding conveyor belt.  

4.   Blac Chyna is suing the Kardashians for defamation of character, and her lawyer, Lisa Bloom, accused the famous family of “slut-shaming.”  ***  Ms. Bloom went on to vigorously defend her client, pointing out that Chyna is proud to be a slut.

5.   Despite not having any serious injuries, a skateboarder is planning to sue Dr. Phil after being hit by his Mercedes.  ***  In fact, the victim has already submitted a five-page deposition describing how it made him feel.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1925 – Water skis are patented by Fred Waller.  ***  Previously, people just tied themselves to a rope and had a boat drag them around the lake.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1861 – The Pony Express ends.   ***   The horses refused to face another season of carrying all those Christmas presents (and having reindeer get all the credit).

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1521 – Emperor Charles V bans wooden buildings in Amsterdam  ***  Fathers grumble as they try to build kids’ tree houses with bricks.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 24, 1938 – Congress passes a law prohibiting child labor in factories.   ***   Lawmakers said young children should be allowed to go where they belong --  working in the fields.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 23, 1941 – Disney releases the feature cartoon "Dumbo."  ***  I believe it was the studio’s first installment in its “Animals that Shouldn’t Fly” series.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 20, 2017

1.   Researchers have found that the Big Thunder roller coaster at Disney World is so jarring it can help men pass kidney stones.  ***  And it’s so scary it makes all the other riders sound like it.

2.   In an interview with GQ magazine, LeBron James revealed that he told his three children if they are ever stopped by the police they should always be respectful, put their cell phones on speaker…  *** … and offer the cops a couple of front-row tickets to the next Cavs game.

3.   Boy Scouts of America plans to begin recruiting girls into some of its scouting programs.   ***   The men in charge claim they understand the unique needs of girls and will offer special programs such as Hiking in Heels, Cosmetics for Camping and Fashions for the Forest.

4.   Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently spotted taking his girlfriend, Heather Milligan, out for ice cream.  ***  Actually, Heather doesn’t really like ice cream, but she just loves the way Arnold says “Haagan-Dazs.”

5.   Sadly, the California wildfires have destroyed the home of “Peanuts” creator Charles Schultz.  ***  The house was identified by the only visible remains--a blanket, a football and a sign offering psychiatric advice for a nickel.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 20, 1910 – The cork-centered baseball is first used in the World Series.   ***   The cork-center design became the new standard for baseballs, although it never caught on with the NBA.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 19, 1971 – "Look" magazine publishes its last issue.  ***  Apparently, people had stopped looking.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 18, 1890 – John Owen is the first man to run the 100 yard dash in under 10 seconds. ***  It happened when he was caught in bed by a jealous husband.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 17, 1957 – Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip visit the White House.  ***  When they asked to see the throne they were told, “Down the hall, on your left.”

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 16, 1925 – The Texas School Board prohibits teaching of evolution.  ***  There was widespread fear that such instruction would only encourage the human race to evolve further.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 13, 2017

1.   Kellogg’s has just bought RXBAR, a company that makes protein bars, in an effort to expand into health foods and capture the millennial market.  *** In fact, protein bars are an especially good food choice for Millennials whose parents don’t have a refrigerator in the basement.

2.   Scientists are warning that climate change may be promoting the growth of red algae in colder climates, eventually making all the glaciers pink.  ***   To take advantage of this unique opportunity, Mary Kay is planning to sponsor the next Ice Age.

3.   Kim Jung Un has appointed his 30 year old sister, Kim Yo Jong, to a high level position in the North Korean government.  ***  Political experts were shocked--usually when young women get powerful positions in government they have a lot of relevant credentials, like a successful fashion business.

4.   According to a recent online article, heavy sweating could be a sign of a serious problem.  ***  For example, if you’re a millennial, it could be an indication that you somehow ended up with a job that involves working.

5.   Jeremy Meeks, the blue-eyed guy with the eye-catching mug shot, has filed for divorce.  ***  He started reading the bible, and decided he doesn’t want to share things when he inherits the earth.

6.   Yesterday, British authorities arrested a woman who was trying to scale the gate at Buckingham Palace.  ***   A police spokesman said they hadn’t seen anything like that since the last clearance sale at Harrods.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1933 – A sentence of life imprisonment is handed down to gangster George Francis Barnes, a.k.a. Machine Gun Kelly.  ***   Actually, his life of crime started in grade school, where he was known as BB-Gun Kelly.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1991 – Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart is seen soliciting a prostitute.  ***  After intense negotiations, she agreed to provide an entire night of services in exchange for eternal salvation.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1865 – John Hyatt patents the modern billiard ball.  *** Ah, so he’s the guy who was behind the 8 ball.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 9, 1973 – Elvis and Priscilla Presley divorce.  ***  Fortunately, by that time Elvis was on the rewards program at Heartbreak Hotel.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 6, 2017

1.   Archeologists in Turkey believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas, the 4^th century monk who inspired the legend of Santa Claus.  ***   They haven’t actually made a positive identification yet, but they say the tomb definitely includes the remains of at least a dozen small elves.

2.   The 69 year old mother of Tesla’s Elon Musk has just become the oldest “face” of Cover Girl cosmetics and publications.  ***   “Hey Mr. Mailman, my magazine cover is all wrink…oh…never mind.” 

3.   Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a photo of his “love child,” Joseph Baena, on Instagram and wished him a happy 20^th birthday, along with the comment, “You get stronger and smarter every year and I’m so proud of you.”  ***  Then he added, “But I wish you’d get over that compulsion to always dust the furniture.”

4.   Three U.S. scientists have won the Nobel Prize for Medicine for their research and insights into our body’s “biological clock.”   ***   Upon hearing the news they were very grateful and said the award would be most appreciated if it could be given to them between 2:45 and 3:00 in the afternoon.    

5.   The leader of the violent MS-13 gang told members to stop wearing their trademark Nike Cortez shoes because it identifies them to the police.  ***  And because Nike is dragging its feet on negotiating the new contract.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 6, 1961 – President Kennedy advises all Americans to build a fallout shelter and stock it with food.  *** He also suggested guys add a beer fridge and a big TV to make it a really cool man cave.   

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 5, 1911 – Italian troops begin the occupation of Tripoli.  ***  The U.S. Marines were a little late in joining them, since they were still tied up at the Halls of Montezuma.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 4, 1537 – The first complete English-language Bible (the Matthew Bible) is printed, with translations by William Tyndale and Miles Coverdale.   ***  However, Bill and Miles took a few liberties with their translation and trimmed it down to only 5 commandments.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 3, 1945 – Elvis Presley performs in public for the first time at the age of 10.   ***  He didn’t sing—he just stood on the stage and swiveled his hips.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 2, 1656 – The North American colony of Connecticut passes laws against the Quakers.  ***  But they were allowed to continue selling their oats.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 29, 2017

1.   It was just reported that Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is registered to vote in New York State as a woman.  ***   You know, it must be tough in the voting booth when you want to vote one way but your inner woman wants to vote the other way—and she’s registered.

2.   It’s been reported that Tiffany Trump got her name from Donald Trump’s favorite business deal, when he bought the rights to build the Trump Tower above the Tiffany store.  ***  I guess she’s lucky he didn’t build it above Hooters.

3.   It’s been reported that Kim, Khloe and Kylie are all pregnant.  ***   Tune in for their new reality show, “Knocking Up with the Kardashians.” 

4.   Honda plans to hire 300 additional workers at its Ohio plant for production of the 2018 Accord.  ***   In fact, President Trump just sent them a hand-picked list of NFL players who might be available.

5.   Taco Bell announced that 300 new locations will offer alcoholic beverages but will not have drive-thrus.  ***   Is that a good idea?  If your customers are going to be pounding down beers and burritos, do you really want them sitting indoors?

6.   On this date in history:  Sept 29, 1946 – "Adventures of Sam Spade" debuts on CBS Radio.  ***  Humphrey Bogart later starred in the movie version, “Sham Shpade.”

7.   On this date in history:  Sept 28, 1850 – The U.S. Navy abolishes flogging as punishment.  ***  Today, for really serious infractions, they give the sailors quiet time and take away their cell phones.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 27, 1881 – The Chicago Cubs beat Troy 10-8 in front of only 12 attendees.  ***  You know it’s a small crowd when the announcer introduces each of the people in the stands.

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 26, 1772 – New Jersey passes a bill requiring a license to practice medicine.  ***  Unless the patient is just on the Bronze Plan.

10.  On this date in history:  Sept 25, 1775 – American Revolutionary War hero Ethan Allen is captured.  ***  Immediately upon release he opens a chain of furniture stores.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 22, 2917

1.   Ivanka Trump told Dr. Oz about her struggles with postpartum depression. ***  It’s that sad feeling of loss she gets whenever she discontinues one of her fashions after it goes out of style.

2.   Hillary Clinton says she relaxes through the ancient practice of “alternate nostril breathing.”   ***   Experts say the technique can be especially helpful for people who talk out of alternate sides of their mouth.

3.   When an Ohio man dressed up as a clown to scare his daughter into behaving, a neighbor thought he was terrorizing the girl and shot at him.   ***  The bullet missed the guy, but it’s nice to know that he would have died with a smile on his face.

4.   Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy. ***  The situation is so serious that even the Tickle Me Elmo dolls aren’t laughing.

5.   The Detroit Tigers’ home field, Comerica Park, ejected a bachelor party of 45 men dressed as “Magnum P.I.” look-alikes because of their rude behavior.  ***  And because there just wasn’t parking space for 45 Ferraris.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 22, 1920 – Chicago grand jury convenes to investigate charges that 8 White Sox players conspired to throw the 1919 World Series in exchange for money from a gambling syndicate.   ***  Since then, the White Sox have cleaned up their act and now they lose for no reason whatsoever.  

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 21, 2007 – George Clooney is injured in a motorcycle accident in Weehawken, New Jersey.  ***   He was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital, where he was tended to by 143 nurses.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 20, 1972 – Police find cannabis growing on Paul and Linda McCartney's farm.  ***  The news was a shock to the rock ‘n roll community; people had no idea that Paul and Linda had a farm.

9.   On this date in history:  Sept 19, 1957 – The first underground nuclear bomb test takes place in Las Vegas. ***  Scientists figured that would be the best way to avoid the spread of radiation—not because it was underground, but because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 18, 1957 – "Wagon Train" premieres on TV.  ***   Actually, many viewers are more familiar with the spinoff show, “Soul Train.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 15, 2017

1.   Motel 6 says it will no longer share guest lists with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.  ***   And Tom Bodett said he won’t leave a light on for them, either.

2.   After a customer at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Dearborn, Michigan complained about his food, the manager reached through the car window and attacked him.  ***  You know it’s a rough neighborhood when McDonald’s offers drive-thru beatings.

3.   According to online advice from mental health experts, there are seven ways to tell if you’re dating a psychopath.  ***   #1:  Their match.com profile has the word “psychopath.”

4.   Amazon is planning to build a second headquarters and one of the possible locations is Detroit.  ***   The operation will focus on a new service, Amazon Crime.

5.   A New York City man was hospitalized after a motorist ran over his foot then came back and shot him twice in the leg.   ***   I believe it’s a new vigilante group enforcing the “Do Not Walk” signals.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 15, 1894 – Japan defeats China in the Battle of Ping Yang.  ***   However, the next day the Chinese were victorious in a Battle of Ping Pong.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 14, 1938 – Graf Zeppelin II, the world's largest airship, makes its maiden flight.   ***  In keeping with the design theme, it featured inflatable flight attendants.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 13, 1977 – Because of its raunchy content, the soap opera parody “Soap” becomes the first TV show to have a viewer discretion warning. ***  It seems ironic that the dirtiest show on TV was named “Soap.” 

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 12, 1959 – The TV series "Bonanza" premieres.   ***   Viewers loved the theme song, admired Ben Cartwright’s full head of hair and felt sorry for the horse that had to carry Hoss.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 11, 1609 – Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island.   ***  Duh…just go to Brooklyn and then cross the bridge.