News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 29, 2018

1.   In Kentucky, hundreds of fish died after a warehouse collapsed and bourbon spilled into a nearby waterway.   ***  The fish were initially ecstatic and took comfort in their old fish adage, “You can’t put bourbon on a hook.”

2.   A recall notice has just been issued for the 2009-2013 Ferrari California because of an airbag safety issue.  ***  If the airbag deploys, it can get tangled up in the driver’s gold chains.

3.   Homeland Security agents raided Super China Buffet restaurants in two Detroit suburbs in a search for criminal activity.   ***   Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the fortune cookies predicted much future happiness and gave the phone number of an escort service.

4.   The Secret Service will reportedly begin providing protection for press secretary Sarah Sanders.   ***   They’ll be carrying tactical weapons and defensive armament…and an emergency supply of food for when she gets kicked out of restaurants.

5.   Tournament golfer John Daly got upset and dropped out because he wasn’t allowed to use a golf cart during the Senior Open.  ***    Apparently he just wasn’t satisfied with the complimentary tournament gift bag:  Orthopedic shoes, a walker and a free bottle of Advil.  

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1989 – Susan Lucci loses the Daytime Emmy for the 10th straight year.   ***   However, the actress was given the award for “Best Impersonation of a Graceful Loser.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 28, 1928 – Friedrich Schmiedl attempts rocket mail in Austria, but is unsuccessful.  ***  Actually, the results were mixed – the rocket delivered the mail, but killed the recipient.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1955 – Illinois enacts the first automobile seat belt legislation.   ***   In the interest of consumer well-being, the law required that all seat belt buckles be comfortable to sit on.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1870 – In New Jersey, the first section of the Atlantic City Boardwalk opens.   ***  The first aid station was busy all day treating everyone for splinters.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 25, 1630 – Massachusetts Governor John Winthrop introduces the fork into American dining.   ***   It was a last minute replacement after the dish ran away with the spoon.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 22, 2018

1.   According to the Department of Health and Human Services, the “tent cities” holding children of illegal immigrants are costing millions of dollars more than allowing the children to stay with their parents.  ***  However, President Trump has addressed that situation with a new executive order -- it charges the kids a $10 per night camping fee.

2.   An ER doctor in California was suspended after a video showed her doubting and mocking a patient who claimed to be having an anxiety attack.   ***   In all fairness to the doctor, most patients don’t really have an anxiety attack until they see the bill.  

3.   Russia has reportedly upgraded its ammunition bunker at Kaliningrad, which is designed to protect its most powerful weapons, including nuclear warheads …  ***  …and the video clips of President Trump’s golden showers.

4.   After 27 years, the “Jerry Springer Show” is being canceled.  ***  The network  informed Mr. Springer by calling him in and throwing a chair at him. 

5.   In Michigan’s Bloomfield Township, a woman was arrested for stealing cosmetics and jewelry from a Rite-Aid.   ***   On the positive side, she looked terrific in her mug shot. 

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1611 – Henry Hudson and his son are set adrift in Hudson Bay by angry mutineers.   ***  You know, some passengers just don’t read the fine print on those all-inclusive cruise deals.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1990 – Little Richard gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.   ***   It was a little star.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1988 – “Price is Right” model Janice Pennington is knocked out by a TV camera.  ***   Before transporting her to the hospital, producers made her guess how much her treatment would cost.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 19, 1987  – Ben & Jerry’s announces a new ice cream in honor of the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia, called “Cherry Garcia.”  ***  Actually, for Mr. Garcia a better flavor would have been “LSD-licious.”

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 18, 1948 – The American Library Association adopts the Library Bill of Rights.  ***  “You have the right to remain silent…”

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 15, 2018

1.   On the “Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,” John Travolta demonstrated dance moves from the “Grease” song “You’re the One that I Want.”  ***   However, now when he dances to that song he sings it to his chiropractor.  

2.   Japan is lowering the age of adulthood from 20 to 18.  ***  And schools have been ordered to make kids grow up two years faster.

3.   The FDA has approved Aimovig, the first drug developed to prevent migraine headaches.  ***  In a humanitarian gesture, they accelerated the approval process to make sure it was available before the midterm elections.

4.   It’s been revealed that Duchess Meghan (Markle) relies on Prince Harry for guidance on royal fashion etiquette.   ***   He’s also her go-to expert for asking, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

5.   Arianna Huffington is promoting eye health through the “20-20-20” rule: After 20 minutes of looking at your cell phone screen, you should take a 20 second break to look 20 feet away.  ***   She said this is especially important if you’re driving.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1844 – Charles Goodyear patents the process for vulcanizing rubber.  ***  Oh, I thought vulcanizing was what Mr. Spock did when he pinched someone’s neck.

7.   On this date in history:  June 14, 1953 – Elvis Presley graduates from L.C. Humes High School in Memphis, Tennessee.  ***  Where he majored in hip swiveling, pelvis grinding and snarling,

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1990 – A Boeing 767 sets a nonstop commercial flight distance record of 9,253 miles, flying from Seattle to Narobi, Kenya.  ***  The flight was so long that by the time it landed most passengers forgot why they were going.

9.   On this date in history:  June 12, 1952 – In Bonham, Texas, a record 420th kitten is born to a cat named Dusty.   ***  Well, her owner called her “Dusty.”  All the boy cats called her “Easy.”

10.  On this date in history:  June 11, 1939 – The king and queen of England taste their first hot dogs at a party hosted by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.   *** However, they insisted on having their dogs served with Grey Poupon.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 8, 2018

1.   Although it was the British who burned down the White House in 1812, President Trump told Canada’s prime minister Justin Trudeau that the Canadians did it.  ***  Apparently Mr. Trump is confused between the country that actually burned down the White House versus all the ones that just want to.

2.   IHOP announced it is changing its name to IHOb, but has not yet announced what “b” stand for.  ***  It could be International House of bull$#@%, but then it might get confused with the White House.

3.   Earlier this week a contractor working at the White House was arrested on an outstanding warrant for attempted murder.  ***   However, President Trump says he plans to immediately issue a presidential pardon for the man in order to reverse a terrible injustice, provide hope for the oppressed and get the guy back to finish that bathroom remodeling job.

4.   Earlier this week a contractor working at the White House was arrested on an outstanding warrant for attempted murder.  ***  Officials became suspicious of the man after his work consistently came in on schedule and under budget.

5.   In an interview with GQ magazine, Brad Pitt revealed that after he split from Angelina Jolie he realized that his priorities in life had been all out of line.  ***    He said that once he had time to reflect, he realized that “Ocean’s Eleven” was much more important than any of the sequels.

6.   Recent statistics show the Japanese have the highest life expectancy in the world, while the U.S. only ranks 31^st.   ***   So, I guess the Japanese didn’t have to attack Pearl Harbor; they could have just waited.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1889 – Cable cars begin service in Los Angeles.  ***  At that time in the history of Los Angeles, “ding-a-ling” referred to the bells on the cable cars, not the people riding them.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1970 – The rock opera “Tommy” is performed by The Who at New York's Lincoln Center.  ***  Actually, the organizers made it a double bill event just so the MC could say, “The Who’s on first.” 

9.   On this date in history:  June 4, 1965 – Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones release "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," which received a lot of criticism due to its suggestive lyrics.   ***   The words suggested that Mr. Jagger had absolutely no respect for good grammar.

News for Week Ending Friday, June 1, 2018

1.   Dunkin’ Donuts’ special offering of coffee flavors based on Girl Scout cookies ended yesterday.  ***   It was a great idea, but customers expected their coffee to be delivered every morning by a little girl pulling a wagon.

2.   David Copperfield has just been found “not guilty” after being sued by a man who was injured during a trick in which members of the audience vanished.   ***  Hey, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from mob trials, it’s never a good idea to sue someone who has a history of making people disappear.

3.   Roseanne Barr has apologized for sending out mean-spirited, derogatory, racist tweets and claimed it was because she had taken Ambien.  ***  Too bad it wasn’t Lunesta—she could have blamed it all on the butterfly.

4.   Embattled EPA head Scott Pruitt has established a legal defense fund to fight charges of unethical behavior and sweetheart deals with the energy industry.    ***    The defiant Mr. Pruitt vowed to keep on defending himself, right down to his last petrodollar.

5.   A huge sinkhole has suddenly opened up on the White House lawn.  ***  President Trump reacted immediately and announced that next year’s Easter Egg Roll is going to be the most exciting one ever.

6.   A woman in Florida saved herself by slipping a veterinarian a note which said, “Call the cops. My boyfriend is threatening me. He has a gun.”   ***   The 9-1-1 operator told the vet that police were on their way, and in the meantime the woman should remain calm, act normal and stop referring to the guy as “boyfriend.”

7.   On this date in history:  June 1, 1869 – Thomas Edison patents a “voting machine.”  ***   He invented the NRA?

8.   On this date in history:  May 31, 1678 – Lady Godiva rides naked through Coventry to protest higher taxes.  ***   So, authorities raised taxes again and told her to bring her friends.

9.   On this date in history:  May 30, 1889 – The brassiere is invented.   ***  That was over 100 years ago, and yet so many women in Hollywood are apparently still unaware of it.

10.  On this date in history:  May 29, 1630 – Governor John Winthrop begins writing "History of New England."   ***      Apparently he saw nothing ironic in writing a “History” of something that was “New.”

News for Week Ending Friday, May 25, 2018

1.   Kellogg’s is adding a new flavor to its “Froot Loops” mix.  It’s in the shape of a purple star and is called “Wild Berry.”  ***  They’re also planning to add a black star and call it “Chuck Berry.”

2.   The mayor of West Hollywood, John Duran, declared May 23^rd “Stormy Daniels Day,” and presented Ms. Daniels with a key to the city.  ***  He also gave her the keys to his condo, his ski lodge and his beach house.

3.   A new museum in Paris, the Palais de Tokyo, recently held a special event just for nudists. ***  Attendees were advised to be extra careful going through the turnstiles.

4.   Walmart is now trying to attract wealthy online shoppers by offering upscale fashions on a new website.  ***  NoFlipFlops.com

5.   After all the contestants competed in several categories, the title of Miss USA went to Miss Nebraska.  ***  However, several contestants cried foul and said that husking corn does not qualify as a talent.

6.   On this date in history:  May 25, 1922 – Babe Ruth is suspended for one day and fined $200 for throwing dirt on an umpire.  ***  What happens when you throw dirt depends on who you are—If you’re a baseball player, you get fined; if you’re a politician, you get elected.

7.   On this date in history:  May 24, 1959 – In Pleasant Hills, Pennsylvania, the first house with a built-in bomb shelter is exhibited.  ***   “Why, no dear, it only looks like a man cave.”

8.   On this date in history:  May 23, 1982 – Colin Wilson rides a surfboard 294 miles.   ***   It was strapped to the top of his buddy’s VW.

9.   On this date in history:  May 22, 1961 – "Mother-In-Law" by Ernie K-Doe hits #1.   ***   Just about the time the divorce was finalized.

10.  On this date in history:  May 21, 1917 – Leo Pinckney becomes the first American drafted in WWI.   ***   He immediately went to the tattoo shop and asked for a refund on his “Lucky Leo” tat.  

News for Week Ending Friday, May 18, 2018

1.   A man was shot and arrested at the Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami after he opened fire in the lobby while shouting criticisms of Mr. Trump.  ***   I believe he was yelling, “I don’t care if he is the president, he’s gotta replace his &%#@$ divots!” 

2.   Meghan Markle’s strange father, who faked a paparazzi photo and then had a heart attack, has undergone surgery and the doctors say he is “alert and coherent.”  ***  Ms. Markle is saying it’s a miracle, because the old man hasn’t been alert or coherent for at least the last ten years.

3.   A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts.  ***   Neighbors describe her as an attractive woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed thumbs.

4.   Prince William is obligated to hand out a soccer trophy on the same day that brother Harry is getting married, so he plans to attend the wedding, then take a helicopter to the soccer stadium and still make it back in time for the reception.   ***  He says there’s no way he’d miss that reception after he and Kate spent two weeks practicing the royal Chicken Dance.

5.   According to a report in New York Magazine, on most nights President Trump speaks on the phone with Fox’s Sean Hannity before he goes to sleep.  ***  And Mr. Hannity always assures the president that there are no monsters hiding under his bed…because they’re all busy writing articles for their newspapers.

6.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1619 – A Dutch statesman known as Hugo the Great is sentenced to life in prison.   ***   Because of the seriousness of his offenses, prosecutors had actually recommended the ultimate punishment—changing his name to Hugo the Ordinary.

7.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1975 – Mick Jagger punches a restaurant window and gets 20 stitches.  ***   But no satisfaction.

8.   On this date in history:  May 16, 1527 – Florence becomes a republic.  ***   Wow, she must have put on a lot of weight.

9.   On this date in history:  May 15, 1718 – James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world's first machine gun.   ***    I believe the U.S. distributor was a guy named Kelly.

10.  On this date in history:  May 14, 1878 – Vaseline Petroleum Jelly goes on sale.   ***   Unfortunately, most stores put it in the food aisle with the peanut butter.