News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 28, 2018

1.   General Motors is recalling 240,000 vehicles because of a problem with the rear brakes.  ***   However, a company spokesman assured owners that the front end of the car will stop just fine.

2.   Mexican federal authorities have taken over control of the Acapulco police department.  ***  A government spokesman said the local force did an outstanding job of eliminating corruption, fighting crime and ousting the drug cartels, but it just couldn’t handle college kids on spring break.

3.   A Jet Airways flight in India had to return to Mumbai after several passengers suffered from nose and ear bleeds.  ***  Technically, however, the new high-power earbuds were a success.

4.   When Hurricane Florence hit North Carolina, over three million chickens died.  ***   Or as Colonel Sanders called it, “Friday.”

5.   Tonight is the start of Season 27 of “Dancing with the Stars,” and the celebrity lineup includes “Dukes of Hazzard” star John Schneider.  ***  In a change from the usual celebrity-professional pairings, Mr. Schneider will be dancing with Boss Hogg.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 21, 2018

1.   A 7-Eleven clerk in Ferndale, Michigan has been arrested and charged with embezzlement.  ***  Acting on an anonymous tip, police raided her home and found a veritable fortune in stolen Slurpees.

2.   Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is apparently a stickler for proper punctuation and he had his staff send out two memos to State Department employees instructing them on the correct use of commas.  ***  Here we’ve been worried about the Russians, and it turns out that our own Secretary of State is a gol-durned  commanist.

3.   Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got their marriage license in Los Angeles last week.  ***  Marriage license applications are bit different in L.A.  To expedite future paperwork, couples also need to submit a preliminary list of all their irreconcilable differences.    

4.   In the high winds of Hurricane Florence, a North Carolina family that had to be rescued after refusing to evacuate explained, “We thought we’d be safe in brick house.”  ***   Folks, it’s never a good idea to base your survival strategy on a story you read in a children’s book.

5.   In New Mexico, authorities recently evacuated the Sunspot Solar Observatory near Roswell, the site of a rumored 1947 space alien landing.  ***  There was no explanation for the evacuation; a spokesman said you just don’t question an order from the mothership.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 14, 2018

1.   President Trump is claiming that federal assistance to Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria was an “unsung success.”  ***  To make sure that doesn’t happen with the current storm, the White House has already started holding auditions for “Florence, the Musical.”

2.   In Livonia, Michigan, traffic on I-275 was disrupted Wednesday morning due to a “hazardous material” incident.   ***  A police spokesperson said there was a serious accident involving several cars and a water truck from Flint.

3.   There are more and more rumors that Howard Schultz, the former CEO of Starbucks, is planning to run for president.   ***   Great—instead of a leader who spends so much time on the golf course, we’ll have one who runs the country from a laptop computer at the corner table in a coffee shop.

4.   Mattress Firm Inc., the largest U.S. mattress retailer, announced they may file for bankruptcy.  ***   No wonder the company’s in trouble—every time they need to make a decision they say they’ll have to sleep on it.

5.   In explaining why she did not tell President Trump about Bob Woodward’s request for an interview, Kellyanne Conway said Mr. Woodward could have just called the switchboard.  ***   She seemed perfectly sincere…until she wrinkled her nose and said, “One ringy dingy…two ringy dingy…”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 7, 2018

1.   The FBI has recovered Judy Garland’s “Wizard of Oz” ruby red slippers that gave Dorothy the power to click her heels three times and suddenly be home.  ***   After reading that news, President Trump ordered a pair of ruby red golf shoes; he wants to click his heels three times and suddenly be on a golf course.

2.   In a recent interview, the CEO of Jetco Delivery said that new technologies will make truck driving fun again.   ***   Actually, I heard that’s what truck stops are for.

3.   Disneyland is now offering alcoholic drinks for the first time in the park’s history.   ***   But it’s a little embarrassing for guys who want bourbon and have to order a “Mickey Mouse on the rocks.”

4.   At Aretha Franklin’s funeral, a steady stream of speakers talked about the Queen of Soul and her place in heaven for all eternity.  ***   The concept of “eternity” can be difficult to fully comprehend, but after the 8 hour service most attendees had a pretty good idea.

5.   A can of pepper spray accidentally discharged on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from California to Maui. *** According to eyewitness reports, it panicked the passengers, shocked the flight attendants and woke up the pilots.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 31, 2018

1.   California Congressman Duncan Hunter, who has been accused of misusing campaign funds, is claiming that he had let his wife handle all the finances.   ***    People everywhere found his story hard to believe until he explained that in return she lets him have the TV remote.

2.   A lot of Brits are complaining that 5 year old Prince George was brought along on a family grouse hunt.  ***  Of course, royal family grouse hunts are something special, and it’s always exciting to see the firepower of the Royal Air Force.

3.   The Statue of Liberty was evacuated earlier this week because of a fire scare.   ***  Afterwards, officials tried to calm frightened tourists by explaining, “Look, it’s not a real torch.” 

4.   Former Spice Girl singer Mel B checked herself into a rehab facility to deal with alcohol and sex addiction.   ***   She was dropped off by a really happy Uber driver.

5.   With many pilots nearing retirement age, airlines are aggressively recruiting replacements.   ***   I wouldn’t say they’re relaxing their standards, but a few people in the job fair lines had white canes.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1971 – Astronaut Dave Scott becomes the first person to drive a car on the Moon.  ***  And he became the only driver to ever encounter potholes worse than Michigan’s.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1963 – The “Hot line” communications link between the White House and the Kremlin begins operation.  ***   So far, President Trump has only used it on Valentine’s Day.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1854 – Daniel Halladay patents the first “self-governing windmill.”   ***   Don’t get that confused with the first politician, who was a “self-governing windbag.”  

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1983 – Joseph Kreckman sets a record of shooting 2,215 clay pigeons in one hour.  ***  And he never even took them out of the box.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 27, 1945 – Thirteen days after the Japanese announced their surrender, U.S. troops land in Japan.   ***  The relieved Japanese said, “NOW can we put our hands down?”

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 24, 2018

1.   At a recent Beverly Hills bash Kim Kardashian was fashionably accessorized with a $5,000 purse designed to look like it was filled with french fries.  ***  You know, to match her hips.

2.   Jimmy Buffet is opening a string of Margaritaville-themed retirement communities.  ***  Each residence comes with a front porch swing, a six string guitar and a blender…and, for people who tend to lose things, an extra shaker of salt.

3.   Nabisco is redesigning its Animal Cracker boxes and will no longer show the animals in cages.  ***  So, children can now learn to respect animals and their natural habitat, before they pull them from the box and bite their heads off.

4.   The EPA has repealed federal emissions regulations for coal-fired powerplants.  ***  After checking to make sure all those coal-burning sites were downwind of the White House.

5.   Researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that men who wear brief-style undershorts have lower sperm counts, and they believe it’s because the tight fitting garment causes higher scrotal temperatures.  ***  Oh, So, for the welfare of future generations, environmentalists should be concerned about “scrotal warming.”

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1853 – In Saratoga, New York, George Crum makes the world’s first potato chips.   ***   In a visionary move, he packaged them just like Pringles, although it took forever to find ones that all fit together.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1919 – The "Gasoline Alley" comic strip premieres in The Chicago Tribune.  ***   The comic has recently been updated and is now called “Hybrid Gas & Electric Alley.”

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1906 – The first Victor Victrola phonograph is manufactured.  ***  Of course, visionaries realized that in the future millions of people would listen to recordings through tiny earbuds, with the Victrola machine strapped to their back.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1945 - President Truman ends the Lend-Lease program.   ***  He was sick and tired of people not returning the White House lawnmower, hedge trimmer and tools.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 20, 1794 – General “Mad Anthony” Wayne routes the Indians in a battle at Fallen Timbers, Ohio.   ***   He was so relieved he immediately changed his name to “Happy Anthony.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 17, 2018

1.   President Trump’s military parade has been postponed, apparently because the $12 million cost estimate has ballooned to $92 million.   ***   And because the members of his cabinet are still refusing to wear funny hats and zoom around in tiny motorized cars. 

2.   In Connecticut, two ladies working in a high school cafeteria have been accused of stealing—over a period of several years—$ 500,000 in lunch money.   ***  Wow—how many kids did they have to beat up in the parking lot?

3.   Experts say that sleeping in a cool room can lead to weight loss.  ***  So, there are a lot of skinny Eskimos? 

4.   David Joyner, the man who played Barney the Dinosaur, now provides a sex service known as “tantra massage.”   ***   The details of his personal technique have not been revealed, although he did name his business “Fifty Shades of Purple.”

5.   In Chillicothe, Ohio, a woman gave birth to a baby boy in a Burger King bathroom while she was overdosing on heroin.  ***   But the saddest part of the story was that she named the kid “Whopper.”

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1846 – In the Mexican-American war, U.S. forces take over Los Angeles.   ***   And we’re still stuck with it.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1898 – The roller coaster is patented.  ***  Actually, the patent was quite broad and covered any ride that makes you throw up.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1899 – Louisville's Henry Dowling strikes out 5 times in one game.   ***  Previously, his worst record was striking out 4 times with the same woman.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1962 – A U.S. mail truck in Plymouth, Massachusetts is robbed of $1.5 million.  ***  It wasn’t easy—the thieves had to open 300,000 birthday cards sent by grandmothers and take out all the $5 bills. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1961 – Construction of the Berlin Wall begins in East Germany.   ***   Actually, construction had been delayed for several months while they tried to get Mexico to pay for it.