Friday, May 1, 2015

1.        Thursday was National Honesty Day.  ***   In observance of the occasion, Congress was closed.

2.        The book, “Love Your Job – The New Rules for Career Happiness,” offers tips for people who want to start a new career after age 50.   ***   Tip #1:  Get really good at saying, “Hi, welcome to WalMart.”

3.        A Florida man who took the mind-altering drug flakka ran naked through a Fort Lauderdale neighborhood, tried to have sex with a tree and then told police he was the mythical god Thor.  ***  Hey, if you tried to have sex with a tree you’d be thor too.

4.        Some breweries in Oregon are planning to make beer from sewer water.  ***  Tip: Stay away from Oregon breweries with restrooms on the second floor.

5.        In Saudi Arabia, leadership positions such as foreign minister, crown prince and deputy crown prince have been re-shuffled among members of the royal family as the result of long term strategies, security considerations ***  and a really intense session of rock-paper-scissors.

6.        In a shocking speech, physicist Stephen Hawking said he expects the human race to die out during the next thousand years.  ***  Hey, if that’ll get rid of the Kardashians, I’m all for it.

7.        Pope Francis ordained 19 new priests last weekend and told them, “May your homilies not be boring.”  ***  He then reminded them that there are still a few openings in the Vatican’s stand-up comedy class.

8.        Three passengers lapsed into unconsciousness on a SkyWest flight from Chicago to Connecticut.   ***   Airline officials said it was a new perk for anyone with enough frequent flier miles.

9.        In launching her new line of JC Penny home furnishings, Eva Longoria said she sets a romantic mood in the bedroom with vibrant colors, candles and a sexy partner.  ***   The colors are from JC Penny’s Linen Department, the candles are from Accessories and the sexy partner is from Brad, from Accounting.

10.     Chinese officials are cracking down on the recent practice of featuring strippers at funerals.   ***   They’ve instructed all law enforcement personnel to be on the lookout for headstones with brass poles.