1. In
Russia, police apprehended a well-known college professor and found that his
backpack contained two severed arms. *** Well,
you know how those academic types always like to go to faculty parties and rub
elbows.
2. Famed lawyer
Alan Dershowitz, 81 years old, is counter-suing a woman who accused him of
sexual abuse, and he claims her accusations have caused him “anxiety, stress,
mental anguish, and the physical effects therefrom; medical conditions
including but not limited to cardiac conditions; and other ailments." *** On the
other hand, he also said, “Eh, it might just be old age.”
3. Former
president Jimmy Carter was hospitalized this week and doctors relieved pressure
on his brain with surgery. *** Some presidents, however, prefer to relieve
pressure on their brain by not using it.
4. Madonna
is being sued by a fan who is accusing her of scheduling her upcoming Miami
concerts with a start time that is too late. *** By
about 30 years.
5. The
USDA has issued a nationwide recall of 2 million pounds of chicken. *** In
other words, all the politicians who won’t criticize the president.
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