News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 25, 2020

 

1.   Cardinal Angelo Becciu, the head of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints (the Vatican’s “saint-making” office) has resigned after being indirectly implicated in a financial scandal.  ***  Church authorities became suspicious of a crime and cover-up when the Cardinal’s nominees for sainthood included Louie the Loanshark, a Vatican auditor and the local Ferrari dealer.

 

2.   As is the holiday tradition in our community, workers have begun draping more than one million Christmas lights over all the storefronts on Main Street.  ***  Doing that in September might seem a bit early, but if the lights don’t turn on when they throw the switch, it could take months to find which bulb was burned out.

 

3.   In the wake of the college admission scandals erupting last year, a California state investigation found that UC Berkeley also improperly admitted dozens of underqualified, often wealthy students.   ***   A university spokesperson declined to comment on the findings, but said the head of the admissions office would issue a formal statement as soon as he returns from cruising the Caribbean in his new yacht.

 

4.   Giuseppe Fanara, a Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence at Italy’s Rebibbia prison, got in a fight with a guard and bit off the man’s finger.  ***  You know, I think those Sicilian mobsters take the term “a knuckle sandwich” a bit too literally.

 

5.   Michigan’s Marijuana Regulatory Agency is recalling batches that failed safety tests because of excessive amounts of yeast and mold.  ***  Additionally, the agency cautioned consumers that due to troublesome conditions across the United States even the most potent strains are unlikely to provide anything close to desired level of euphoria.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 18, 2020

 

1.   The famous white sand on the beaches of Sardinia is protected by law, and a tourist was fined $1,200 for attempting to leave the Italian island with 4 pounds of that sand in his luggage.  ***  Heck, after a day on the beach it usually feels like I have more sand than that in my swim trunks (and man, does it itch).

 

2.   This morning’s “Word of the Day” from Word Genius  is “Buck-and-Wing,” which is “a lively solo tap dance, typically done in wooden-soled shoes.”  ***  Oh. I thought it was from that iconic episode of “The Twilight Zone” when an angry William Shatner told the skeptical flight attendant where he had seen the furry creature.

 

3.   White Castle has just announced a new packaging design called the “Crave Clutch” – a cardboard container that holds 20 sliders and 4 small fries, and features colorful graphics, a sturdy carrying handle...***…and a built-in grease trap.

 

4.   After apparently getting lost during the annual migration, a humpback whale has become stranded in an alligator-infested river in Australia.  ***   The poor guy is now facing a tough choice: Stay in the river and get eaten by alligators, or rejoin the pod and listen to endless reminders that he should have stopped and asked for directions.

 

5.   In Merrimack, New Hampshire, a 40-pound exotic pet cat that had been on the run for two days was finally caught, although authorities did not disclose how the elusive cat was lured into the trap.  *** Unconfirmed rumors indicate the process involved a remote-control drone equipped with a really strong laser pointer.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 11, 2020

 

1.   After a huge public outcry, Los Angeles authorities retracted a Covid-driven ban on Halloween trick-or-treating but said the door-to-door tradition is “not recommended.”  ***  A City Hall spokesperson also assured concerned citizens that they’ll still be allowed to dress up in silly costumes, just like they do every day.

 

2.   As mentioned on Tuesday, Thai Airways has transformed its Bangkok cafeteria into an airline-themed restaurant.  ***   Update: For a small fee, diners can now upgrade to the “Total” in-flight experience: While you try to eat, a little kid will kick the back of your seat, a baby will cry with a wail that could shatter glassware, and a complete stranger with body odor and bad breath will sit in the seat next to you and chatter non-stop for the entire meal.

 

3.   As many school districts start the new school year this week, students are encountering a few changes.   ***  For example, it is no longer necessary to claim that your dog ate your homework, but only that someone sneezed on it.

 

4.   Thai Airways has transformed its Bangkok cafeteria into an airline-themed restaurant with airplane seats, tables made from engine parts, and servers dressed as flight attendants.  ***   The waitstaff doesn’t sing, but if it’s a special occasion they’ll gather in two groups and hum like jet engines.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 4, 2020

 

1.   In the past two months Taco Bell has dropped numerous items from the menu.   ***   In fact, because of Covid concerns, every time someone sneezes back in food-prep, one more item is no longer available.

 

2.   In Ashland City, Tennessee, Solomon--a 150 pound pet tortoise--was finally found, 74 days after escaping from his owner’s home.   ***   In an emotional reunion, the grateful owner said there’s no telling where Solomon might have ended up if he had made it all the way to the sidewalk.

 

3.   McDonalds is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets, the first new flavor in 40 years.   ***    Market conditions are finally right for success: People are now satisfied with anything that doesn’t taste like the inside of a face mask.

 

4.   Officials at the University of Pennsylvania have rejected a request by six professors in its business school to investigate the circumstances surrounding the 1966 acceptance of Donald Trump.  ***  A university spokesperson said Penn has never shown favoritism to wealthy families; even if they’ve made large donations or funded a new building on campus, they still have to bribe the admissions office just like anyone else.

 

5.   In Covington, Georgia, the mansion that was used in the 1939 filming of “Gone with the Wind” is now a bed and breakfast.  ***   The owners claim that one window has had no covering ever since the draperies were re-purposed by “Scarlett,” although they were at a loss to explain a later disappearance of the drapery rod itself.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 28, 2020

 

1.   Microsoft and Walmart are partnering to buy the popular networking platform Tik Tok.   ***   In anticipation of a successful bid, Walmart is already designing its latest footwear fashion—the Tik Tok Flip Flop, and Microsoft has begun designing help desks for Aisle 3.

 

2.   Although Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican Convention was generally felt to be well delivered, some people were very critical regarding the military-looking outfit that she wore.  ***  They pointed out that it took TWO belt buckles to cinch her waist that tight.

 

3.   A federal appeals court has upheld a New York limit of 50 people at weddings, which is upsetting a lot of people because now they can’t invite all their relatives.   ***  Heck, with a max of 50 people, there are some places where the grooms wouldn’t even be able to invite all their wives. 

 

4.   Lori Loughlin and her husband were fined and sentenced to 2 and 5 months in prison for paying bribes of $500,000 just to get their two daughters into USC.    Ironically, they paid even more than that in legal fees just to get themselves into jail.

 

5.   A very expensive blackboard chalk, Hagoromo Fulltouch, reportedly has a cult-like following among mathematicians because of its smooth writing feel, resistance to breakage, and low dust factor.   ***   That’s fine for math professors, but English teachers won’t endorse it until every stick of chalk has built-in Spellcheck.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 21, 2020

 

1.   Taco Bell announced that future restaurants will have smaller dining areas, but will feature a second drive-thru lane dedicated to pick-up orders made on its "Go Mobile" app.  ***  And, in response to numerous calls regarding potential employment, the company confirmed that it will hold a job fair early next year, and it will be within convenient walking distance of the South Lawn.

 

2.   After numerous driver reports of the 2020 Corvette’s front hood flying open, General Motors has halted deliveries of the new model until a fix can be implemented.  Electronic engineers plan to re-program the button-actuated hood release and also limit vehicle speed to 26 mph if the hood is not completely latched.  ***  The mechanical engineers, however, are still pushing for a really heavy hood ornament.

 

3.   According to “Good Morning America,” the “Golden Girls” house in Brentwood, California that was used for the TV show’s exterior shots has been purchased for $4 million ($1 million over the asking price) by “a local family who specifically loved its architecture and location.”  ***  And the amazing high tech lighting system that can be turned on or off just by clapping your hands twice.

 

4.   Claiming that tourists have gotten heavier over the past ten years, the Venice Gondola Association has lowered the maximum capacity from six passengers to five.   ***  Also, couples will no longer be allowed to stand up and re-enact Kate and Leo’s bow pose from “Titanic.”

 

5.   To minimize the spread of Covid-19, Canada has extended the ban on tourists from the United States through late September, and a recent survey showed that 80% of Canadians actually want American visitors to be kept out until 2021.  *** That’s up from 75% just one year ago.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 14, 2020

 

1.     Scientists in Malaysia are trying to save the rare Sumatran Rhino from extinction using cloning technology and cells from three old rhinos that recently died.  ***   Initial results are promising, although every afternoon the new rhinos go for a short walk, take a nap, and then wake up and ask, “What time is bingo?”

 

2.     Singer Trini Lopez, who gained fame with songs like “If I Had a Hammer,” has died at the age of 83.   ***   Sadly, his retirement was not a peaceful one; he was often cited for violating subdivision noise covenants by repeatedly hammering, bell ringing, and singing in the very early morning and late evening hours.

 

3.     Michigan authorities reported 6 confirmed cougar sightings this year.  ***   That news was quite a surprise since a) bars were closed for much of the year due to Covid, and b) older age groups are especially vulnerable.

 

4.     Last week federal agents in Arizona discovered a 1,300 foot tunnel running under the U.S.-Mexico border, and an official said it “appears to be the most sophisticated tunnel in U.S. history.”    ***   He said it featured valet parking, a Starbucks at each end, a health spa at the mid-point, and free wi-fi.

 

5.     In Atlanta, two passengers were forced off a commercial flight just before takeoff because they refused to wear facemasks.  ***  An airline spokesman said the policy will continue to be strictly enforced, and expects compliance will improve when they start conducting the mandatory face mask check immediately after takeoff.