News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 29, 2019

1.     At Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the winds subsided and all the big balloons were able to participate.  ***   Officials were especially concerned that strong winds could blow the diapers off the Trump balloon.

2.     McDonald's employees in Chicago are suing the company over a store redesign that has made it easier for angry customers to leap over the counter and attack them.  ***  And they say it didn’t help when management revised the menu to list all the assault options and the jail time for each.

3.     In Rochester, New York, a home intruder was fought off and sent to the hospital by an 82 year old body-building grandmother.   ***   Coincidentally, that’s the same neighborhood where last Christmas Eve police responded to reports of a badly beaten-up reindeer.

4.     Kim Kardashian has posted an Instagram photo of herself in a glamorous but poorly fitting gown, with the caption, "How good would this Versace dress have been if it fit."  ***   Well, Kim, perhaps that particular fabric just wasn’t available in the necessary width.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 22, 2019

1.   Captain Dick Stevenson, the bar owner who invented the Sourtoe Cocktail, which is served with a mummified human toe, has died, and he willed all his toes to the bar.   ***  Forget the disgusting drink; the grossest thing is when the bartender pulls out the box of toes and plays “This little piggy went to market…”

2.   Doctors Beth Malow, Olivia Veatch and Kanika Bagai published an article in “JAMA Neurology” recommending an end to daylight savings time.  ***   Carnac the Magnificent rips open the envelope and reads, “Name three highly educated people who can’t figure out how to reset their clocks.”

3.   A British study found that a growing number of elderly people in their 90’s are being hospitalized for using cocaine.  ***  That’s unbelievable—it’s gotta be really tough to snort coke with a stiff neck, weak lungs and excessive nose hairs.

4.   The FDA has accused the Dollar Tree of selling unsafe drugs.  ***   They also pointed out that buying drugs at the Dollar Tree is like going to Tuffy Muffler for an organ transplant.

5.   Hillary Clinton is claiming that “many, many, many” people are urging her to run for president again.  ***  However, after intense questioning from CNN fact finders, she admitted that it might only be “many, many.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 15, 2019

1.   In Russia, police apprehended a well-known college professor and found that his backpack contained two severed arms.   ***   Well, you know how those academic types always like to go to faculty parties and rub elbows.

2.   Famed lawyer Alan Dershowitz, 81 years old, is counter-suing a woman who accused him of sexual abuse, and he claims her accusations have caused him “anxiety, stress, mental anguish, and the physical effects therefrom; medical conditions including but not limited to cardiac conditions; and other ailments."   ***  On the other hand, he also said, “Eh, it might just be old age.”

3.   Former president Jimmy Carter was hospitalized this week and doctors relieved pressure on his brain with surgery.  ***  Some presidents, however, prefer to relieve pressure on their brain by not using it.

4.   Madonna is being sued by a fan who is accusing her of scheduling her upcoming Miami concerts with a start time that is too late.  ***  By about 30 years.

5.   The USDA has issued a nationwide recall of 2 million pounds of chicken.  ***  In other words, all the politicians who won’t criticize the president.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 8, 2019

1.   Smugglers from Mexico have been able to use inexpensive power saws to repeatedly cut through the newest portion of the border wall, which President Trump had touted as the “Rolls-Royce version.”   ***  Apparently that’s the version where you just relax while your chauffeur does the cutting.

2.   There was momentary chaos at Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport after a pilot mistakenly triggered a plane’s hijacking alarm.   ***   Apparently the alarm button was too close to the switch that activates the hidden cameras in the lavatories.

3.   An American art forger, Tony Tetro, is claiming he forged three paintings—a Monet, a Picasso and a Dali—that are currently on display at Prince Charles’ estate.   ***  Investigators say the paintings appear genuine but they’re not sure Prince Charles is for real.

4.   As she approaches her 30^th birthday, Emma Watson says she’s completely happy still being single, although she calls it “self-partnered.”    ***  She says there are many advantages to her lifestyle, including discounted rates at couples therapy.

5.   The king of Thailand dismissed two palace officials who were responsible for overseeing the royal palace bedrooms because of adultery and unspecified violent conduct.  ***  But mostly because the bedspread had wrinkles and the pillows weren’t fluffed.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 1, 2019

1.   The Ronald Regan Presidential Library in Simi Valley was evacuated as the California wildfires got dangerously close.  ***   Authorities said they were concerned about the extreme flammability of jelly beans.

2.   Kanye West says he is “working for God” and his “job is spreading the Gospel.”   ***   Ah, a textbook example of how low unemployment results in a shortage of qualified candidates.

3.   Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of video games such as Donkey Kong, Mario Bros., and The Legend of Zelda, will be given the “Person of Cultural Merit” award by the Japanese Government.   ***  Historians say it is the first time the award has been given to someone who has never been on a date and still lives in their parents’ basement. 

4.   At 61 years old, Madonna is dating a 24 year old guy who is one of her back up dancers.  ***  They’re called that because when Madonna falls down, they help her get back up.    

5.   A woman who was ejected from the Cannery casino in Las Vegas came back with her Winnebago motor home and drove through the front entrance, intentionally running over a custodian (who is now recovering).  ***  Apparently she wanted to make a clean getaway.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 25, 2019

1.   The Chemistry Club at Wayne State University has built the world’s largest periodic table, measuring over 500 feet across.  ***  And that doesn’t even include the chairs.

2.   Kim Jong Un says he plans to tear down facilities built by South Korea at a joint resort project in North Korea because they are “shabby and unpleasant looking.”  ***   The South Korean government disagreed, saying the buildings are actually quite attractive…and they said the upper floors will provide a terrific view of incoming missiles.

3.   Four American Airlines flight attendants arriving at the Miami airport with $22,000 in cash were arrested for suspected money laundering.   ***  Authorities are investigating their claim that at airport prices that barely covers their Cinnabon habit and souvenir T-shirts for all the relatives.

4.   A family of moose was recently seen casually walking at a shopping mall in Jackson, Wyoming, but residents of the area said that was not unusual.   ***   However, they said normally the moose don’t shop until the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.

5.   Kanye West told wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to a recent event was “too sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey.”   ***   In other words, “It makes you look fat.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 18, 2019

1.   After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world.  ***  However, he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women of all time.”

2.   The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which has baffled scientists who determined it has 720 sexes but no brain.   ***   Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”

3.   After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes.   ***  Also, they’ve added a sign showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”

4.   The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a confidential Vatican document.   ***  The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”

5.   A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort; management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art."   ***  And now she claims the authorities were trying to frame her.