News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 27, 2019

1.   To improve worker productivity, a British firm has designed a toilet with a 13-degree slope that makes it painful to sit on for more than five minutes and discourages employees from spending too much time in the bathroom.   ***  Previously, supervisors just shut off the vent fan.

2.   After making disparaging and suggestive on-air remarks about his co-workers, hockey analyst Jeremy Roenick was suspended by NBC for “inappropriate comments.”   ***  Network officials later explained that “inappropriate comments” would include anything negative about co-workers…or anything positive about the Detroit Red Wings.

3.   Detroit police are now searching for the driver of a red Camaro who blocked traffic on I-94 while showing off and doing “donuts” in the middle of the freeway.  ***  Dozens of police were reportedly disappointed after responding to the dispatcher’s announcement of “Donuts on I-94.”

4.   This past weekend Michigan road crews worked to clean up a mysterious green substance that had been oozing out of the ground and onto I-696 in Madison Heights. ***  After a thorough analysis, the EPA investigator issued this report:

I do not like that yucky green.

I do not like what I have seen.

I do not like it on the road.

I do not like it in the cold.

I do not like it in this town.

I do not like it all around.

I do not like green ooze and slime.

I do not like it any time.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 20, 2019

1.   To make military dogs more effective at their tasks, the Army is planning to equip them with upgraded cameras.  ***  They’ll also be given their own Facebook page and taught how to take selfies.

2.   After airing a commercial that showed two women exchanging wedding vows and kissing, the Hallmark Channel was criticized by the group One Million Moms, which complained that the ad was inconsistent with the network’s family friendly programming.   ***   And some viewers are concerned that this sort of thing could lead to the ultimate betrayal: Hallmark Christmas Movies with unhappy endings.

3.   Researchers in Italy have found that eating hot chili peppers four times a week can dramatically reduce a person’s chances of having a heart attack or a stroke.  ***  Or getting a second date.

4.   Students staying at the Hyatt Regency in Minneapolis found hidden cameras in their hotel rooms.   ***   They reportedly became suspicious when a maid said she needed to deliver fresh towels, clean the room and adjust the focus.

5.   A woman in Australia found a 10-foot python wrapped around the branches of her Christmas tree.  ***  Actually, she didn’t realize it was a snake until she plugged its tail into a socket.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 13, 2019

1.   British authorities have charged four people with being members of an outlawed neo-Nazi group, including a young woman who had entered the organization’s “Miss Hitler” contest. ***  In fact, the investigators first became suspicious when they observed several beautiful women lined up wearing swimsuits, sashes and strange little moustaches.

2.   A 9 year old Belgian boy has dropped out of a Dutch university because school officials insisted on a schedule that would not have given him a degree until after he turned 10.  ***  Also, they refused to give him credits for morning and afternoon recess.

3.   According to a consumer warning from the FBI, the latest “smart” TV’s have cameras and can watch me while I’m sitting in my recliner watching TV .  ***  You know, if those TV’s are so smart, you’d think they could find something better to do.

4.   KFC is now selling chicken-scented fireplace logs.  ***  Ah yes, that smoky fragrance takes me back to the days when it was easier to catch a hen than chop wood.

5.   Ford is recalling 261,000 pick-up trucks because the tailgate could fly open.   ***  Company officials said the driver would still be able to maintain control of the vehicle, but under certain conditions all the empty beer cans could roll out.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 6, 2019

1.   North Korea has warned the United States that we should prepare for an unspecified “Christmas gift.”   ***  Dang, I hate it when North Korea draws our name in “Secret Santa.”

2.   In a tense moment at yesterday’s NATO conference, President Trump said Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau was “two-faced.”  ***  That was quite a nasty insult, because Mr. Trump has absolutely no respect for people who are “two faced” … or, actually, anything less than five.

3.   In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said emotional moments now often cause him to cry, but previously, over the past 20 years, he had never cried.   ***   Hmmm, apparently Angelina wasn’t a very good dominatrix.       

4.   A recent study of pre-historic fossils concluded that for 70 million years snakes had rear legs.  ***  Sadly, throughout their 70 million year evolution those poor reptiles had to put up with never ending “snake jokes” and cruel taunts about “pushing on a rope.”

5.   After serving almost 18 months of his prison sentence, Bill Cosby has finally broken his silence.   ***   It was reportedly right after the cafeteria introduced “Burrito Night.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 29, 2019

1.     At Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the winds subsided and all the big balloons were able to participate.  ***   Officials were especially concerned that strong winds could blow the diapers off the Trump balloon.

2.     McDonald's employees in Chicago are suing the company over a store redesign that has made it easier for angry customers to leap over the counter and attack them.  ***  And they say it didn’t help when management revised the menu to list all the assault options and the jail time for each.

3.     In Rochester, New York, a home intruder was fought off and sent to the hospital by an 82 year old body-building grandmother.   ***   Coincidentally, that’s the same neighborhood where last Christmas Eve police responded to reports of a badly beaten-up reindeer.

4.     Kim Kardashian has posted an Instagram photo of herself in a glamorous but poorly fitting gown, with the caption, "How good would this Versace dress have been if it fit."  ***   Well, Kim, perhaps that particular fabric just wasn’t available in the necessary width.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 22, 2019

1.   Captain Dick Stevenson, the bar owner who invented the Sourtoe Cocktail, which is served with a mummified human toe, has died, and he willed all his toes to the bar.   ***  Forget the disgusting drink; the grossest thing is when the bartender pulls out the box of toes and plays “This little piggy went to market…”

2.   Doctors Beth Malow, Olivia Veatch and Kanika Bagai published an article in “JAMA Neurology” recommending an end to daylight savings time.  ***   Carnac the Magnificent rips open the envelope and reads, “Name three highly educated people who can’t figure out how to reset their clocks.”

3.   A British study found that a growing number of elderly people in their 90’s are being hospitalized for using cocaine.  ***  That’s unbelievable—it’s gotta be really tough to snort coke with a stiff neck, weak lungs and excessive nose hairs.

4.   The FDA has accused the Dollar Tree of selling unsafe drugs.  ***   They also pointed out that buying drugs at the Dollar Tree is like going to Tuffy Muffler for an organ transplant.

5.   Hillary Clinton is claiming that “many, many, many” people are urging her to run for president again.  ***  However, after intense questioning from CNN fact finders, she admitted that it might only be “many, many.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 15, 2019

1.   In Russia, police apprehended a well-known college professor and found that his backpack contained two severed arms.   ***   Well, you know how those academic types always like to go to faculty parties and rub elbows.

2.   Famed lawyer Alan Dershowitz, 81 years old, is counter-suing a woman who accused him of sexual abuse, and he claims her accusations have caused him “anxiety, stress, mental anguish, and the physical effects therefrom; medical conditions including but not limited to cardiac conditions; and other ailments."   ***  On the other hand, he also said, “Eh, it might just be old age.”

3.   Former president Jimmy Carter was hospitalized this week and doctors relieved pressure on his brain with surgery.  ***  Some presidents, however, prefer to relieve pressure on their brain by not using it.

4.   Madonna is being sued by a fan who is accusing her of scheduling her upcoming Miami concerts with a start time that is too late.  ***  By about 30 years.

5.   The USDA has issued a nationwide recall of 2 million pounds of chicken.  ***  In other words, all the politicians who won’t criticize the president.