News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 24, 2017

1.   A man in Hampton, Virginia had his thumb bitten off while trying to fight off a carjacker.   ***  You know you’re having a bad day when someone steals your car and then you can’t even hitchhike home.

2.   Students in China say they have been forced to work 11 hours a day assembling Apple’s new iPhones.  ***  And here in the U.S., students spend about the same amount of time each day using them.

3.   Walmart plans to compete against online companies like Amazon by hosting 20,000 holiday parties at its Superstores across the country.  ***  The dress code will be “Walmart formal”:  Black sweatpants and high-heeled flip-flops.

4.   A study of retail stores shows that IKEA has one of the best return policies.  ***   In fact, after you assemble the furniture you can get a partial refund just for returning all the leftover pieces.

5.   On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1910 – Arthur Knight patents golf clubs with steel shafts.  ***  Not only were they straighter and stronger than the old wood shafts, but they were also more satisfying to wrap around a tree.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1939 – Bugsy Siegel and three associates murder Harry "Big Greenie" Greenberg after Greenberg had threatened to become a police informant.  ***  To paraphrase Kermit, it’s not easy being Greenie.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 21, 1871 – Emilio Onra becomes the first human cannonball.  ***   It wasn’t easy to find a man of his caliber.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 21, 1877 – Tom Edison announces his "talking machine" invention, the phonograph.  ***  However, whenever people asked to see his “talking machine,” he would introduce his wife.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1980 – United Artists withdraws the movie "Heaven's Gate" for re-editing.  ***  According to a studio spokesman, concerns arose after someone did some fact-checking with the Bible.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1992 – Windsor Castle, the home of Queen Elizabeth, catches fire. ***  According to the royal spokesman, installing electrically heated seats on the throne had seemed like a good idea at the time.  (But not such a good idea in “hindsight.”)

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 17, 2017

1.   In a recent survey, several celebrity chefs said that sweet potato casserole lacks substance, has no redeeming qualities and should never be included in a Thanksgiving dinner.   ***    I believe they said the same thing about in-laws.

2.   President Trump said that during a break between meetings in the Philippines he was “forced to watch CNN.”  ***  But he assured his supporters that he put his hands over his eyes and just peeked through his fingers.

3.   Charles Manson has been transferred from prison to a Bakersfield hospital and is reportedly near death.  ***  After a series of tests, doctors there concluded that he’s suffering from a terminal case of helter-skelter.

4.   After backlash from Keurig’s decision to pull its advertising from Sean Hannity’s show, the coffee machine company’s CEO said it was not their intention to “take sides” and escalate that emotionally charged issue.  ***   He said the situation could be resolved if everyone would just calm down, take a deep breath and switch to decaf. 

5.   Starbucks chairman Howard Shultz is denying rumors that he’s thinking of running for president.   ***   He said it’s just a coincidence that Starbucks’ newest drinks are the Oval Office Latte, West Wing Mocha and Rose Garden Macchiato.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1977 – In the Miss World Contest, Miss UK wears a bikini made out of platinum and worth $9,500.  ***  But, she was upstaged by another contestant who wore a platinum bikini only worth half as much.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1963 – The touch-tone telephone is introduced.  ***  It immediately doubled sales on the Home Shopping Network.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1763 – Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon begin surveying between Pennsylvania and Maryland to establish the Mason-Dixon Line.  ***   Or, as it was first known, the Chuck & Jerry Line.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1960 – Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind" reaches #1.   ***  In his senior years he recorded a second version, “Georgia Slipped My Mind.”

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1851 – The first settlers land at Alki Point, which would later become Seattle, Washington. ***  One of the settlers, a Mr. Starbuck, immediately brews a pot of coffee to celebrate and writes everyone’s name on their cup.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 10, 2017

1.   Speaking in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis said, “It makes me very sad when I say Mass and I see so many cell phones in the air.”  ***  And he said he really gets ticked off when someone interrupts his homily to ask for the Wi-Fi password.

2.   NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly furious over proposed changes to his next contract.  ***  In fact, when negotiations start he plans to show his displeasure by taking a knee.

3.   There are reports that Walt Disney Company is going to buy 21^st Century Fox.  *** They plan to change the name to 21^st Century Mouse.

4.   President Trump broke with the tradition of his predecessors and did not bow when he met Japan’s 83 year old emperor.  ***  A White House spokesman explained that Mr. Trump only bows for ice cream, professional golfers and the NRA.

5.   Blac Chyna apparently has herself a new boyfriend, rapper Playboi Carti.   ***   Ah, true love—there’s nothing like a relationship based on a shared inability to spell.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1954 – John Stapp travels 632 mph in a rocket sled.  ***  He really flew by all the other little kids on the slope.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1865 – General Robert E. Lee surrenders to General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox.  ***   Grant refused Lee’s request that they make it best two out of three.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1789 – In Bourbon, Kentucky, Elijah Craig makes the first batch of bourbon whiskey, distilled from corn.  ***   Unfortunately, his mother said that didn’t count as “eating your vegetables.”

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1933 – Pennsylvania voters overturn the blue laws and permit Sunday sports.  ***   Although it was just on a trial basis to see if they’d be struck down by lightning.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 6, 1918 – The Republic of Poland is proclaimed.  ***  So, how many…oh, never mind.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 3, 2017

1.   Delta plans to hire 1,000 new flight attendants.  ***  Candidates will be tested on their ability to always remain friendly, take charge in emergency situations and yank passengers out of overbooked seats.

2.   Frustrated by differences in their travel schedules, Selena Gomez has broken up with Abel Tesfaye, the singer and songwriter known as “The Weekend.”   ***   Mr. Tesfaye was stunned, and claimed he was always there for Selena, 24/2.

3.   Former president George H.W. Bush has apologized for touching women on their backsides and joking, “I’m David Cop-a-feel.”   ***  Well, I guess that would finally explain that embarrassing international incident in Buckingham Palace.

4.   Michael Moore’s play, “The Terms of my Surrender,” has closed on Broadway, but Mr. Moore said producing it was “the most artistically gratifying experience of my life.”  ***  He said he especially liked the unlimited access to the snack bar.

5.   A recent article on Livestrong.com gives 9 signs that your relationship is in trouble.  ***  Sign #1:  Your partner is reading the same article.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1917 – First class mail postage is raised to 3 cents.  ***   Some people will point out that 3 cents was a lot of money back in those days.  Actually, that’s not true.  3 cents was never a lot of money.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1972 – Government of the Republic of Ireland introduces a bill to remove the special position of the Catholic Church from the Irish Constitution.  ***  In a shocking move, the legislature declared that any religious group can hold a bingo night.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1915 – Parris Island is officially designated a Marine Corps recruit depot.  ***   Clueless recruits prepared for their trip to Parris Island by learning French.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1964 – Barbra Streisand's "People" album goes #1 for 5 weeks.  ***  However, sales dropped off significantly when a scientific study showed that people who need people aren’t really the luckiest people in the world.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 30, 1954 – Pro basketball begins using the 24-second shot clock. ***  If a player doesn’t shoot within 24 seconds, a loud buzzer sounds to wake up the fans.