Friday, December 19, 2014

Friday, Dec 19, 2014

1.        Lufthansa Airlines is now allowing Middle East passengers to transport their hunting falcons in the main cabin.  Of course, the airlines will continue to allow in-cabin transport of cats and dogs.  ***  Or as the falcon people call them, “snacks.”

2.        A man in England has undergone 50 operations and spent $150,000 to look like Kim Kardashian.  ***  Gee, that’s almost as much as Kim Kardashian spent to look like Kim Kardashian.

3.        Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner have just finalized their divorce, and she agreed to pay him $2.5 million.  ***  But, in the true spirit of Christmas, she’s going to give it to him in the form of a plastic surgery gift card.

4.        Newt Gingrich says President Obama should hunt down whoever hacked the Sony e-mails, otherwise we are just opening the door for foreign terrorists to control the American media. ***  Mr. Obama agrees, and wants to keep control of the media where it belongs--with the Democrats.

5.        McDonalds is rationing french fries in Japan because of a shortage.   ***  They have enough potatoes, but they’re running out of grease.

6.        A study in a British medical journal estimates that doctors in that country lose $19 million every year in magazines stolen from waiting rooms.  ***  Here in the U.S., doctors avoid that problem by making sure you wait long enough to finish reading all of them.

7.        Next year Hilton hotel guests will be able to check in, get their room assignment and open their room door with their smart phones.  ***  And by selecting the Charlie Sheen package, the app will automatically line up hookers, order booze from room service and put a disaster recovery team on stand-by.

8.        Sy Berger, who passed away this weekend, is best known for designing the modern baseball card in 1952.  ***  It took him many, many tries to come up with a card that made just the right sound in the bicycle spokes.

9.        The U.S. Army is auctioning off surplus Humvees, but cautions that they are not legal for driving on public highways.  ***  Unless the public highway is in a country that we’re invading.

10.     In a recent YouTube video, a Japanese store clerk shows how to wrap a gift in 12 seconds.  ***  That’s good, because that’s about all the time I have left after I finally finish Christmas shopping.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Friday, Dec 12, 2014

1.        A hallucinogenic mushroom has been found growing in the gardens of Buckingham Palace.  *** Well, that might finally explain how Prince Charles ever thought Camilla was attractive.

2.        Burt Reynolds is denying that he’s broke, a rumor which started when he put 600 personal items and memorabilia up for auction.  ***  He’s just getting rid of things that remind him about the movies that he’s made.

3.        The House has narrowly approved a government spending bill totaling $1.1 trillion.  ***  It was $1.2 trillion before they took out funding for all the interrogation equipment.

4.        Kim Kardashian says that her pregnancy weight gain was God’s way of punishing her.   ***   No, it was God’s way of getting her to keep her clothes on.

5.        LeBron James has been accused of a major breach of protocol when he met Princess Kate and he put his arm around her.  ***  Well, what else could an NBA star do?  She’s already pregnant.

6.        After President Obama’s annual pardoning of Thanksgiving turkeys at the White House, his two daughters were criticized for having appeared sullen, unsupportive and disinterested.  ***   That sort of childish behavior is considered totally inappropriate, unless you’re a Republican at the State of the Union Address.  

7.        In Venice, California, former child actor Andrew Keegan has founded a new religion called “Full Circle.”  ***  Services consist of getting together and watching “Anderson Cooper 360.”

8.        In the next James Bond film, “Spectre,” the Bond girl is 50 year old Monica Bellucci.  ***  She will also be starring in several senior-oriented re-makes, including “Oldfinger,” “License to Kill Time,” and “The Man with the Golden Health Insurance.”

9.        In Rosemont, Illinois, a Hyatt Hotel was hosting the “Midwest FurFest,” in which all the participants were dressed as various furry animals, when an apparent chlorine leak prompted evacuation.  ***  Police ordered everyone to immediately hop, leap or amble to the nearest exit.

10.     Tom Hanks, Sting, Patricia McBride, Al Green and Lily Tomlin have just received the 2014 Kennedy Center Honors from President Obama.  ***  Actually, only four of them were present for the ceremony;  Ms. Tomlin was busy manning the White House switchboard.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Friday, Dec 5, 2014

1.        David Muir, the anchor on ABC’s “World News Tonight,” has started posting a one-minute newscast on Facebook every weekday.  ***  And he’ll continue doing it until he runs out of cat material.

2.        Having split from Bruce Jenner, Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner has been seen dating Corey Gamble.  ***  No surprise there; at her age every date is a gamble.

3.        A nuclear missile launch officer stationed in Montana has been charged with drug use and removed from duty.  ***  Good. We cannot afford to have those people impaired by drugs. Whenever the time comes, they need to be able to count backwards from ten.

4.        This week’s huge power outage in Detroit resulted in the loss of street lights, traffic lights…***…and, unfortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel.

5.        Anderson Cooper is already back on the air at CNN, just two days after an emergency appendectomy.  ***  However, his doctors told him to take it easy and start at 180 then gradually work his way back up to 360.

6.        Burt Reynolds is reportedly having financial difficulties, and he’s so desperate that he started teaching acting classes.   ***   Fortunately, he was able to find a few people who are so desperate that they’re taking them.

7.        Just before Thanksgiving Vermont may got 16 inches of snow.   ***  Which was great news for all the 15 inch turkeys.

8.        According to the IRS, every year more than 100,000 prison inmates file fake tax refund claims, although most of them are caught.  ***  Auditors always get suspicious when someone asks for their refund to be sent in cash hidden in the lining of a book.

9.        In a White House press conference President Obama announced that he will improve security with a new Secretary of Defense.  ***  And a new Secretary of De Front Door.

10.     An exhibit at New York’s JFK Airport displays weapons confiscated by TSA gents, including a credit card that can turn into a knife.  ***  Even scarier is a credit card that can turn into a $10,000 debt.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday, Nov 21, 2014

1.        Medical researchers have found that slumping forward while texting is like adding a 60 pound load to your spine and neck.  ***  They recommend that your back should be kept straight and your chin should be at least 12 inches from the steering wheel.

2.        The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety has reported that minivans from Chrysler and Nissan scored poorly in recent crash testing.  ***  They said that after a 40 mph frontal collision nearly half the cupholders were unusable.

3.        Olive Garden has changed its menu and now diners can choose “Northern Italian” or “Southern Italian.”  ***   Or, they can choose “Real Italian” and go eat somewhere else.

4.        An Iowa man was apprehended by Secret Service agents near the White House after they found a hunting rifle and a knife in his car.  ***  Because of new security procedures, they told him he’d have to leave the weapons behind before climbing over the fence.

5.        Twenty-four women in Minnesota are crafting an elaborate wedding gown that has one million beads and weighs 400 pounds.  ***  Gee, usually it’s the guy who has to be dragged to the altar.

6.        A woman in Salt Lake City was allowed to have her driver’s license photo taken while wearing a kitchen colander on her head.   ***  The picture turned out OK, although her expression was somewhat strained.

7.        The Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year is “vape,” a device which turns substance into vapor, like an e-cigarette.  ***  Or a political speech.

8.        Facebook is going to prevent users from sharing their “Friends” list with political campaign committees.  ***  Unless the candidate is a cat.

9.        Plus-size actress Melissa McCarthy recently lost 45 pounds.  An inside source said, “She’s not obsessed with dieting; she’s just looking for a happy medium.”  ***  Well, she may have found happy, but I don’t think she reached medium.

10.     After 34 hours on the air, TV weatherman Al Roker set a new world record.  *** Longest continuous weather show without a single accurate forecast.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Friday, Nov 14, 2014

1.        Andy Worhol’s painting of Elvis Presley, “Triple Elvis,” has just sold at auction for $81.9 million.   ***   It’s extremely rare—it’s the only Elvis painting in the world that was not done on black velvet.

2.        A tiger has been spotted on the loose near Disneyland Paris.  ***  In an effort to protect tourists in the area, police have issued a warning to be on the lookout for predatory ticket prices.

3.        Seattle Seahawk fans were outraged to learn that the stadium beer had been watered down.  ***  They became suspicious when they woke up Monday morning and actually remembered the game.

4.        Starbucks has come out with its first new holiday drink of the season, a chestnut-flavored latte.  ***  It’s not easy to make.  They have to roast it on an open fire.

5.        Nigeria’s ambassador to the U.S. is complaining that we won’t sell weapons to his country.  ***   He said he sent a polite e-mail to the Pentagon with a list of the requested ordnance and a promise to pay later with a shipment of gold bars.

6.        A 17 year old boy saved a Philadelphia policeman’s life by pulling him from his cruiser which had burst into flames after an accident.  ***  Then the kid had to restrain the cop from trying to go back for the donuts.

7.        A study by a Pennsylvania engineering firm shows that germs from a sneeze in an aircraft can travel up to 50 feet.   ***   That’s in coach.  First-class passengers, of course, don’t have any germs.

8.        In Egypt, a bus driver used a clean urine sample from his wife for his drug screen, but he was fired when it tested positive for pregnancy.   ***   That’s too bad; here in the U.S. he would have kept his job and gotten maternity leave.

9.        The Walter White action figure with a gun and a bag of meth has been pulled by Toys R Us, but it’s available on e-Bay for inflated prices.  ***  Now it’s cheaper to just get a Ken doll and corrupt him.

10.     McDonald’s has not yet launched its new Facebook-based advertising slogan, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’.”   ***  The haters are demanding a recount.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Friday, Nov 7, 2014

1.        A study by Fidelity Investments shows that most millennials get financial advice from their parents, but the investment firm says young adults should seek additional sources of financial guidance.  ***   So, “Get a job” requires a second opinion?

2.        A recent study says it’s important to understand millennials (people now under 30) because by the year 2020 they will make up 50% of the workforce.  ***  And they’ll be doing 25% of the work.

3.        Rubic’s cube, toy soldiers and bubbles have just been inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y.  ***  The Walter White action figure was disqualified after failing the drug test.

4.        The commander of the U.S. Navy SEALs has rebuked troops who have broken the elite group’s tradition of secrecy by publishing their memoirs.  ***  He also stated that despite numerous requests, SEAL training will not be expanded to include grammar, creative writing and marketing.

5.        A woman in Southern California was devastated by the theft of her 90 pound tortoise.  ***  But by the time she discovered the theft and called 911, the thief and the tortoise were already halfway down the driveway.

6.        The Air Force has just fired two commanders in the nuclear missile corps for mistreating subordinates, failing to promote their welfare and causing poor morale.  ***  Ad for their replacements:  “Wanted: Compassionate, caring sympathetic leaders. Must be willing to annihilate the world.”

7.        When Wal-Mart closed its store in McAllen, Texas, city officials turned it into a public library.  ***  It’s the only library in the country where the dress code is tank tops and flip-flops.

8.        Following the fisticuffs between Brad Keselowski and Jeff Gordon after the NASCAR race in Texas, team owner Roger Penske came out in support of the way Keselowski drove the race.  ***  However, he did say that Brad needs to improve his jab and right uppercut.

9.        Experts say that when the “Fury 325” is built in a North Carolina amusement park, the U.S. will have the most terrifying roller coaster in the world.  ***  Actually, we already have that.  It’s called the stock market.

10.     In a recent letter, Pope Francis supported the use of exorcism to cast out demons.  ***  Although here in the U.S. we prefer elections.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Friday, Oct 31, 2014

1.     According to a study by researchers at Brunel University in England, women prefer men who have feminine facial features.  ***  OMG! Bruce Jenner got it right!

2.     Bernard Kilpatrick, the father of convicted Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, will serve the rest of his sentence for tax evasion at a halfway house… *** …where it is expected he will only be able to evade half his taxes.

3.     A company that makes baby wipes has found traces of bacteria and has recalled all the product.   ***   I’m only guessing, but I don’t think they want you to return the used ones.

4.     People have been furious to learn that the FBI had tried to capture a suspect by creating a bogus website and impersonating a news organization.   ***   Just because Fox and CNN get away with it…

5.     Twelve Nobel Peace Prize winners have demanded that President Obama make full disclosure of America’s torture of terrorist suspects.  *** Torture such as sleep deprivation, waterboarding, and watching your president get dictated to by twelve Nobel Peace Prize winners.

6.     The Cuban government has finally agreed to allow construction of the first new Catholic church in 55 years.  ***  The breakthrough came after the Vatican agreed to allow cigar smoking during Mass.  

7.     There are allegations that Vice President Joe Biden improperly used a log cabin in Grand Teton National Park that is intended for government business, not vacations.  He reportedly just relaxed and did not attend any events or carry out any official duties.  ***  In other words, business.

8.     An article on lists ten signs that it’s time to change your doctor.  ***  Sign #1:  He’s serving time in a maximum security prison.

9.     After Oprah Winfrey’s driver ran over a woman’s foot in front of a Miami restaurant,  Oprah immediately made amends with the woman by getting out of the car and posing for a picture.   ***  Of course, if the woman had been seriously injured Oprah would have posed for a video.

10.  In Oklahoma City, a man claimed that Satan told him to use his car to destroy a monument with the Ten Commandments.  ***   That really wasn’t necessary.  Satan’s been pretty successful just by telling people to ignore them.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Friday, Oct 24, 2014

1.        Toys R Us announced it has taken its controversial Walter White (“Breaking Bad”) action figure, with a gun and a bag of meth, off the shelves.   ***  Too many dissatisfied customers complained that the meth wasn’t real.

2.        In China’s Bapan Village people routinely live more than 100 years, and researchers say it’s partly due to physical activity, since they don’t have access to modern machinery, televisions or computers.  ***  No computers?  What’s the use of living to a hundred if you can’t brag about it on Facebook?

3.        Three teenagers from Denver are suspected of trying to join the terrorist group ISIS.    ***  Actually, they changed their minds after finding out the Middle East has no snowboarding.

4.        At a school in Fort Worth, Texas, 25 students were attacked by bees.   ***   It was quite upsetting for several over-achieving parents who felt their children should have been attacked by A’s.

5.        A sales clerk at a Sears store in New Jersey has been charged with stealing $3.7 million worth of merchandise and selling it.  ***  Sears officials have offered to drop the charges if she tells them how she managed to find so many customers.

6.        Despite his requests to the contrary, Senate candidate Michelle Nunn continues to use former President George H.W. Bush’s picture in her campaign ads, along with a reference to the years she spent heading up his “Points of Light” foundation.  ***  Now it seems she can no longer get the Point nor see the Light.

7.        Doctors have developed a thin ring that can be implanted in the cornea of the eye to eliminate the need for reading glasses.  ***  However, many patients have been disappointed by the procedure because they immediately test their new eyesight by reading the bill.

8.        The real estate website has identified the states with the most immature men based on the percentage of guys with “childish” tendencies, such as playing fantasy football, beer pong and video games.   ***    Coincidentally, those are also the states where guys have the most fun.

9.        While their divorce is pending, Bruce Jenner is dating his wife’s best friend, Ronda Kamihira.   ***   That’s unbelievable…Bruce Jenner is dating a woman?

10.     A Texas lab worker on a Carnival cruise showed some symptoms of Ebola and was held in isolation for the entire voyage, but after the ship reached port she tested negative for the virus.  ***  Sadly, she also tested negative for a sun tan.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Friday, Oct 17, 2014

1.        Police were sent to Justin Bieber’s Florida condo after neighbors complained about the noise from a late night party.  ***  I believe the cops’ first question was, “Are your parents home?”

2.        A Florida mother is demanding that Toys R Us stop selling the Walter White action figure (from “Breaking Bad”) because it’s inappropriate for children.  ***   She’s probably going to get really upset at Baby’s First Meth Lab.

3.        In Boston, a time capsule from 1901 has just been opened.  It contained a book on foreign relations, newspaper articles and business cards from local politicians…***...along with the official price list for various political favors.

4.        With presidential elections two years away, several political experts are suggesting changes to the way we select the vice president.   ***   I believe the proposed method involves the candidates climbing over the White House fence and racing to the front door.

5.        Mark Zuckerberg is donating $25 million to fight Ebola.  ***  It’s actually a business decision.  He realizes there will be serious consequences for Facebook if there’s an outbreak and the virus wipes out large numbers of cats.

6.        Michelle Obama’s latest school lunch guidelines limit kids to one pack of ketchup.  ***  That’s terrible.  How are they supposed to bring enough home so mom can fill up the ketchup bottle?

7.        The fiancĂ© of Oregon’s governor admitted to previously marrying an immigrant so he could obtain US residency, for which she was paid $5,000.  ***   Of course, her upcoming marriage to the governor is much different:  A lot more money.

8.        North Korean president Kim Jong Un disappeared from public view for the past month.   ***  Which is pretty much what we all want to do after a bad haircut.

9.        Vladimir Putin has ordered Russian troops to back away from the Ukraine border.  ***  In a brilliant move, Ukraine manned the checkpoints with soldiers from West Africa.

10.     After last week’s visit of a high ranking North Korean official to South Korea, there has been speculation that the two countries could become trading partners.  ***  In fact, they’ve already started exchanging gunfire.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Friday, Oct 10, 2014

1.        Because of Ebola virus fears, an NBC survey says that 58% of Americans want to halt all flights from West African countries.  ***  The other 42% are still expecting gold bars from Nigeria.

2.        A US Airways flight departing Austin, Texas was delayed for two hours because of a swarm of bees in the boarding jetway.   ***   An airline spokesman said this was quite unusual, and normally passengers are just stung by the high air fares.

3.        Although 94% of cars sold in the U.S. are automatics, there are signs that manual transmissions might be making a small comeback.  ***  However, driver training is a little more difficult because you have to learn to text left-handed and steer with your knees.

4.        Wal-Mart is now selling health insurance. ***   Wouldn’t it be better if they just made their stores a little more sanitary?

5.        Descendants of the woman whose image was used as “Aunt Jemima” by Quaker Oats are suing the company for $2 billion in unpaid royalties.  ***   They are also preparing a second lawsuit for royalties due to Jemima’s husband, Uncle Ben. 

6.        The Seattle city council is honoring Indians by replacing Columbus Day with Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  ***  Now, don’t confuse that with Los Angeles, which is replacing Columbus Day with Ingenuous Peoples’ Day.

7.        General Motors is recalling nearly 100,000 Chevrolet Sparks because the hood can fly open while driving.  ***  A company spokesman said the malfunction is extremely serious and could result in a severe reduction in fuel economy.

8.        A company called Silentium is developing a noise cancellation device for airplane seats that will eliminate the sounds of crying babies, noisy passengers and chatty flight attendants.   ***   It’s more convenient than waiting for your Taser to recharge.

9.        A 19 year old teen who wanted to join ISIS was arrested at O’Hare airport as he attempted to board a plane headed for the Middle East.  ***  Just one more guy who fell for that old trick where the gate attendant announces priority boarding for terrorists.

10.     Hwang Pyong So, the top political officer in North Korea, recently traveled to South Korea for talks.  ***  He said he enjoyed visiting so many beautiful targets…uh, cities.