Friday, June 28, 2013

Friday, June 28, 2013

1.      As a summertime special, Oreo cookies are being offered with watermelon flavored filling.   ***  The only drawback is you need to spit out the seeds.

2.      The board of directors of Men’s Wearhouse has fired George Zimmer, the company’s founder, chairman and ad spokesman.  ***   On a positive note, he’ll be the best dressed man in the unemployment line—I guarantee it.

3.       A plane carrying former president George W. Bush made an emergency landing in Louisville, Kentucky after the pilot smelled smoke in the cockpit. *** That's quite unusual; normally presidential planes don't declare an emergency unless there's a problem with the smoke AND the mirrors.

4.      People in Rome were shocked when Pope Francis refused to attend a classical music event at the Vatican.   ***   I guess they shouldn’t have combined the concert with the Italian premiere of “After Earth.”

5.      Edward Snowden was booked on an Aeroflot flight from Moscow to Cuba but he did not get onboard.   ***   Apparently the NSA hacked into the Russian airline’s computer and moved him to coach section, center seat, between two mothers with screaming kids.  

6.      A man in Washington State tied hot air balloons to his lawn chair for a 200 mile trip, but only got 24 miles before getting stuck in a tree.  Apparently there wasn’t a lot of preparation;  his buddy said, “We were making this up as we went along.”  ***  And Hillary Clinton, who was just coming out of a Benghazi hearing, said, “Hey, nothing wrong with that!”

7.      Authorities have recaptured Rusty, the red panda that escaped from the National Zoo in Washington D.C.  ***  However, they are still trying to cage several out-of-control congressmen.

8.       The biggest June opening ever was achieved by the new Superman movie, "Man of Steel." *** They've already started working on the sequel--it's a high-tech thriller called "Man of Lightweight Composite Material."

9.      Airlines in India are having a problem with pilots falling asleep, getting drunk, and having fake licenses.  ***  So, the next time you fly Air India and see the pilot getting plastered and passing out in the cockpit, you can take comfort in knowing that he’s probably not a real pilot.

10.    This fall the NSA will start storing all its surveillance data in Utah.   ***   Actually, I think they’re gonna need a bigger state.  

Friday, June 14, 2013

Friday, June 14, 2013

1.      At the tunnel from Windsor, Canada into Detroit, U.S. Customs agents detained two women who were found to have $59,000 hidden in their bras.  ***   Authorities became suspicious when the women paid the tunnel toll with a $5 bill and Abraham Lincoln had a big smile on his face.

2.      At Tiffany’s on 5th Avenue in New York City, a thief grabbed two necklaces worth $98,000 and walked out.   ***   You know, that’s really sad.  Lindsay had been doing so well in rehab...

3.      A man in New York City is expected to survive after slitting his wrists in Rockefeller Plaza outside the studio of the “Today” show.  ***  Actually, that behavior is more typical of guys whose wives make them watch the “Today” show.

4.      A study in the New England Journal of Medicine says that drinking coffee can extend your life.   ***   And when the end does finally come, there’s a greater chance that you’ll be awake for it.

5.      For the ultimate in target shooting, a gun range in Texas is letting customers fire an assault rifle from a helicopter.  Organizers say they are making sure the operation is totally safe.  ***   For example, each shooter in the helicopter is strictly limited to only one six pack of beer.

6.      Edward Snowden, the guy who revealed the NSA’s surveillance activities, was praised by Daniel Ellsberg, who had leaked the “Pentagon Papers” in 1971.  ***  Younger people are astonished: “Really?  Secrets used to be on paper?”

7.      Hillary Clinton now has a Twitter account.  ***   So, in addition to having to explain Benghazi, now she also has to learn to spell it.

8.      A bank employee in Germany accidentally transferred over $200 million when he fell asleep on his keyboard and kept the “2” key pressed down, typing 2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2.   ***  Well, mistakes happen when you’re “2 depressed.”

9.      A law school student in Texas has designed a plastic handgun that you can make at home on a 3-D printer.  ***  You can use it to rob people of cash that they made at home on their printer.

10.    Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced their divorce after attending a ballet at the Kremlin.  ***  Like many couples, they had very different opinions while watching “Dancing with the Czars.”

Friday, June 7, 2013

Friday, June 7, 2013

1.      A town in Spain has started mailing dog poop to the dog’s owners if they fail to pick up after their pet.  ***  It’s a controversial practice, but everyone agrees on one thing:  The worst job in the world is now a Spanish mailman on a hot day.

2.      Domino’s has carried out the world’s first pizza delivery by an unmanned drone aircraft.   ***   Actually, it was a trial run for the military, which plans to use drones to deliver pizza to the Taliban every day.  It won’t be immediately lethal, but over time they’ll all die of cardiac arrest.

3.      The Disney theme parks, which bill themselves as “The Happiest Place on Earth,” have raised ticket prices by $5.  ***  Now Disney management is even happier.

4.      In a recent telephone survey, 88% of women and 78% of men said they have trouble sleeping.  They blamed it on stress, anxiety, and pain... ***  ...and getting phone surveys at 2:00 in the morning.

5.      Critics have panned Will Smith’s latest movie, “After Earth,” a science fiction adventure which takes place 1,000 years in the future.  ***  Which is about the same time that the film will break even at the box office.

6.      Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke delivered the baccalaureate address to graduates at Princeton University.  ***  With his intimate knowledge of the economy, he wanted to give the students some valuable guidance, so he told them how to apply for unemployment benefits.

7.      In Nevada, a new law allows illegal immigrants to get a special driving license.  ***   There’s just one restriction on it: They’re only allowed to drive south.
8.      The head of Ferrari North America says that the next big market for Ferrari is Mexico.  ***   I don’t think so.  I mean, with a flashy car like that, how is a Mexican going to sneak across the border?

9.      A government watchdog committee says that over the past three years the IRS has spent $50 million on conferences, including fancy hotel rooms and expensive entertainment.   ***  Actually, only the IRS calls them “conferences”;  I believe Charlie Sheen calls them “parties.”

10.    A Saudi Prince recently spent $20 million during three days at Disneyland theme park.   ***  Actually, I think that’s how much we spent there.  (At least, it felt like it.)