News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Apr 24, 2020

1.   State and federal health officials are scrambling to provide guidance on all the methods people are trying for cleaning their face masks, from washing machines (recommended) to boiling water to microwave ovens (not recommended).  ***   And regardless of the method used, they recommiend taking off the mask first.

2.   Virus experts say that even after the “Stay home” restrictions are lifted, life just won’t be the same.   ***    In fact, at the self-checkout lane at the store yesterday, the guy in front of me grabbed the hand-held barcode reader and tried to take a temperature scan of his forehead.

3.   Today is the 50^th anniversary of the very first Earth Day, and it is still inspiring major commitments to protect the environment.  For example, for every bag of coffee you buy, Starbucks will plant one new coffee tree.  ***  Then, after the tree has grown a bit, the baristas carve your name on it, and when the tree’s beans are ready for harvesting they shout it out.

4.   Scientists in the UK say “medical detection dogs” might be able to detect coronavirus in humans, and in one hour a single dog could sniff up to 750 people.   ***   However, those people would have to get down on all fours.

5.   A kayaker stranded on a remote island off the shore of New York City for 12 hours was rescued by an NYPD helicopter crew that saw his “HELP” sign on the beach.  ***  The rescuers apologized for not responding sooner, but said they have limited resources and needed to give a higher priority to “HELP” signs that had an exclamation point at the end.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Apr 17, 2020

1.   Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is being criticized for implying that a $1,200 stimulus check can cover a person’s expenses for 10 weeks.  ***    Weeks, shmeeks--As a home-confined, recliner-sitting, TV-watching retiree, here’s my math question: How many limited-time, TV-only, 2-for-the-price-of-1 offers for ONLY $19.95 will I be able to order? (Please hurry, Mr. Mnuchin, I need my check NOW! Operators are standing by!)

2.   According to a recent news report, Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s former lawyer currently serving time in a federal prison, was placed in solitary confinement.  ***  And now, millions of stressed-out men are still trying to convince their wives that they did not mutter, “Lucky guy.”

3.   As home confinement continues to be a challenge for most Americans, therapists say it’s helpful if we vary our day-to-day routines.  ***  For example, for me it’s Sundays: wine; Monday: bourbon; Tuesday: beer; etc. That’s not the booze I drink each day—it’s just the one I start with. 

4.   Michigan was hit with high winds yesterday, and in anticipation of those conditions the governor’s office issued a temporary change to the 6-foot social distancing requirement when outdoors.   ***  You only need to stay 6 inches away from the other person if you’re upwind, but 60 feet if you’re down.

5.   Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has extended the “Stay home” executive order, which prohibits driving anywhere unless it’s for specified exceptions, such as “medical supplies,” “gasoline” and “outdoor physical activity.”   ***  You know, Ben & Jerry’s could make life really interesting when they name their next new flavors…  

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Apr 10, 2020

1.   On CNN, Dr. Sanjay Gupta showed how to use materials found around the house to make an effective mask.  ***  I tried it, but it didn’t work; my wife still recognized me.

2.   When asked how to prevent future viral outbreaks, Dr. Fauci said, "As a society, just forget about shaking hands. We don't need to shake hands. We've got to break that custom."  ***  Hmmm….Sounds like he’s still bitter about the time the playground bully offered to shake hands and then did that old “Shake…spear…kick in the rear” trick.

3.   In a rental car parking area near the Southwest Florida International Airport, several cars caught on fire, and by the time firemen arrived, 100 cars were burning; within hours the blaze had destroyed 3,516 rental cars.   ***   Wow—I had no idea air freshener was that flammable. 

4.   Because we don’t know how long the “Stay Home” restrictions will remain in place and what the availability of food and supplies will be during that time, it’s difficult to figure out how much to stockpile.   ***  FEMA said it’s not important how much we have—just make sure we run out of food before we run out of toilet paper.

5.   As we all struggle to cope with home confinement, staking out “His” and “Hers” areas may seem to indicate a dangerous level of stress, but Dr. Orna Guralnik, a therapist featured on Showtime’s “Couple’s Therapy,” says having separate spaces actually reduces stress, and “anything that can create…boundaries…is really good for us.”   ***  However, she did say it’s a bit worrisome when stressed-out couples start marking those boundaries with their last remaining roll of toilet paper.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Apr 3, 2020

1.   President Trump has granted Michigan Governor Whitmer’s request to use National Guard troops and equipment for humanitarian missions, such as food distribution.  ***  Seriously, that’s great news! It comforts Michigan’s home-bound seniors to know that if there’s ever a problem with Meals on Wheels there will always be Snacks on Tracks.

2.   Sociologists are saying that even though long periods of home confinement due to COVID-19 can be challenging for families, one bright spot is that we’re all re-learning how to communicate with each other face-to-face.  ***  In fact, just this morning I said to my wife, ”Since we played Monopoly yesterday, let’s play Parcheesi today.   Send.”

3.   These days, it seems more and more people are quoting that old saying, “A man hears what he wants to hear.”  ***  You know, there’s a lot of truth to that. For example, when I heard that phrase last week I thought someone had finally developed a better hearing aid.

4.   Law enforcement authorities are warning seniors of the “Hey, Grandma” telephone scam in which the caller pretends to be a grandchild, says they are in desperate need of money, and gives instructions on where to send it. *** Well, you gotta admire the scammer's initiative; that’s a lot of work for five bucks and a Dollar Store birthday card.

5.   Many health experts are now urging all of us to purchase our needed goods online and, when the package is delivered, leave it in the garage for 2 or 3 days.   ***  Note to family and friends:  This year our Thanksgiving dinner will start on a Monday. Please enter through the garage.