Friday, December 20, 2013

Friday, Dec 20, 2013

1.        Edward Snowden has written an open letter to the Brazilian people offering to help them investigate spying by the United States.  In return, he asks only that Brazil grant him political asylum. *** And give him a beachfront cottage and hook him up with the Girl from Ipanema.

2.        A federally-appointed panel is recommending less aggressive treatment for high blood pressure in older people, saying that drugs just need to get it down to 150-over-90 instead of 140-over-90.  They say this is a critical issue as high blood pressure is affecting more and more Americans.  ***  Basically, every person who has tried to register on the Obamacare website.

3.        There have been rumors that Jay Leno is having discussions with CNN.  ***   They want him to help Wolf Blitzer pursue his dream of doing stand-up.

4.        China’s lunar rover has now separated from the landing craft and is exploring the surface of the moon.  China says it expects to send an astronaut to the moon sometime after the year 2020.  ***  His first mission will be to open a small Chinese take-out.

5.        In an interview with the Italian newspaper La Stampa, Pope Francis denied allegations that he is a Marxist.   ***   He said he’s not a fan of slapstick and doesn’t think Groucho and Harpo are all that funny.

6.        Senator John McCain criticized the CIA for not giving the full story behind Robert Levinson, who allegedly worked for the Agency and has been missing in Iran for several years.   ***   Don’t worry—the government hasn’t found him yet, but they’ll definitely track him down as soon as he misses the deadline to sign up for Obamacare.

7.        Earlier this week North Korean President Kim Jong Un had his uncle arrested for treason and then executed.  ***  And you think your family’s holiday gatherings are going to be awkward!

8.        It appears that North Korean President Kim Jong Un still holds his aunt in high regard, even though he recently executed her husband for treason.  ***   Or, he’s just keeping her around for the holidays because she makes fantastic cookies.

9.        Detectives in Seattle have arrested two men for the recent theft of 2,500 bottles of wine.   ***  They caught the thieves by putting out an APB for anyone buying huge amounts of cheese.

10.     Dennis Rodman is in North Korea to help train that country’s national basketball team.   ***  
               Training schedule:  
                     Day 1 – Tattoos
                     Day 2 – Body piercing 
                     Day 3 – Hair coloring
                     Day 4 – Trash talk
                     Day 5 – …

Friday, December 13, 2013

Friday, Dec 13, 2013

1.        The man who messed up the sign language for the deaf during President Obama’s speech at Nelson Mandela’s memorial claims he was having a schizophrenic episode.   ***   Here’s my question: Why do they even need someone signing when Obama is speaking?  I mean, just aim the camera at the teleprompter.

2.        Earlier this week the Hilton hotel company went public with an IPO (Initial Public Offering).   ***  Now, don’t get that confused with Paris Hilton, who went public a long time ago…with a video.

3.        The FAA has banned Angelina Jolie from piloting her own private plane because she missed the annual registration deadline.   ***  However, the FAA was unable to explain why Miss Jolie is the only pilot in the country who is required to actually come in, register in person and get a security patdown.

4.        Billy Joel, Carlos Santana, Martina Arroyo, Herbie Hancock and Shirley MacLaine all received the Kennedy Center Honors this past weekend.  Interestingly, all the recipients began singing, dancing or playing music when they were young children.  ***  Except for Shirley MacLaine, who actually began performing as an adult…in a previous life.

5.        The Von Trapp family is unhappy that Carrie Underwood was cast in the role of Maria for the “Sound of Music Live” special on NBC because she didn’t have much acting experience.  ***  Actually, Underwood was a compromise selection.  The Von Trapps wanted Anne Hathaway; NBC wanted Miley Cyrus.

6.        The NFL has announced that Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito will continue to be suspended with pay until the NFL finishes investigating his alleged bullying and harassment of teammate Jonathan Martin.   Incognito says he was just trying to motivate the guy.   ***   Actually, motivation through verbal abuse is really catching on.  In fact, one of this year’s most popular Christmas gifts is the new CD of trash talk by Tony Robbins.

7.        To commemorate 2014 as the Chinese year of the Horse, the U.S. Treasury Department is selling 88,888 one-dollar bills in a special red “hong bao” envelope.  ***  Now, that’s a really cheesy way to repay our $16 trillion debt:  We only send them $88,000 a year and charge ‘em for the envelopes.

8.        Olive Garden has added a special hamburger to their menu. To make it more Italian, they’ve added mozzarella, prosciutto, arugula, pesto, tomatoes and aioli spread.  ***  Hey, I’ve got news for Olive Garden:  IT’S STILL A HAMBURGER!  IT’S NOT ITALIAN!

9.        The trial has begun for a woman accused of pushing her husband off a cliff in Glacier National Park just eight days after their wedding.  Observers say that numerous experts will be called to the stand.  ***  They’ll be asked to testify on whether or not she needs to return all the wedding presents.

10.     Elderly veterans gathering in Pearl Harbor to commemorate the 1941 attack were disgusted that the U.S. military did not do its annual “missing man” flyover because of budget cuts.   ***  In fact, they were so furious they contributed their own money and hired a Japanese plane to fly overhead and drop another bomb.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Friday, Dec 6, 2013

1.        Pamela Anderson had died her hair brunette.  ***  Well, that comes as a shock to all of us “Baywatch” fans who remember so many drowning swimmers pushing David Hasselhoff away and yelling, “Send the blonde!  Send the blonde!”

2.        Pope Francis has revealed that before he joined the priesthood he worked as a bouncer in a Buenos Aries night club.  ***  But he got fired;  instead of just kicking out the troublemakers he tried to get them excommunicated.

3.        It’s tough to figure out how the economy is doing these days.  ***  When the number of applications for unemployment benefits drops, I don’t know if it’s due to an improving economy or another government website not working.

4.        On a new U.S. postage stamp the image of the Statue of Liberty was erroneously modeled after the Statue of Liberty replica in Las Vegas.   ***  Well, that would explain why Miss Liberty is topless.

5.        In a 1972 survey, 2/3 of Americans said that most people could be trusted, but in this year’s repeat of the survey only 1/3 felt that way.  ***   In fact, this year nobody trusted the people taking the survey.

6.        A top Chinese filmmaker has publicly apologized for having three children, which is in violation of China’s “one-child” policy.  ***  However, that policy does include an “NBA waiver” which says it’s OK for basketball players to have as many kids as they want, as long as each one is with a different woman.

7.        Russian officials ordered the dismantling of a huge, 100-foot by 30-foot Louis Vuitton suitcase being displayed In Moscow’s Red Square.   ***   I believe it was the actual suitcase used by Edward Snowden to carry secret documents out of the United States.

8.        In Pakistan, General Raheel Sharif has been appointed Chief of the Army.  ***  The primary requirement for the position is the ability to denounce American drone strikes while demanding more American aid, and do both those things while keeping a straight face.

9.        In Minnesota a man was arrested after throwing $1,000 in one-dollar bills from a balcony at the Mall of America.   ***   It was just Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke trying one more way to jump start the economy.

10.     In Pakistan, a senior official in the Haqqani branch of the Taliban was killed by an American drone strike.   ***  Or as the locals call it, the Taliban retirement program.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Friday, Nov 22, 2013

1.        According to a recent poll, President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low—less than 40%.   ***  In other words, Michelle and Malia have now given him thumbs down, but Sasha’s still hangin’ in there.

2.        The Toronto City Council stripped Mayor Rob Ford of many of his powers after he admitted using drugs.   ***  For example, he can no longer issue official proclamations, like when he declared “Cocaine Appreciation Day.”

3.        Florida Congressman Henry “Trey” Radel has been charged with possession of cocaine.  He said, “I stand ready to face the consequences of my actions.”  ***  Of course, he’s not really worried.  I mean, Congress shut down the federal government, approved spying on private citizens, and put millions of individual health plans at risk—and they all got off scott free.

4.        Three executives at IKEA France were arrested and charged with spying on staff and customers.   ***  They  claimed they were just trying to find out how everyone else managed to assemble the furniture.

5.        A company called the “Authentic Brands Group” has purchased the rights to all the intellectual property associated with Elvis Presley.  ***  I believe they paid $19.95.

6.        The deputy chief of Libya’s spy operations was kidnapped at the Tripoli airport.  ***  OK, that’s when you know that your country’s spying is a little sub-standard – when you didn’t see that coming.

7.        People in Indonesia are having to deal with all the ash from a huge volcanic eruption on Monday.  ***  You know, President Obama lived in Indonesia for a while, but he had to come to Washington D.C. to get his “ash” handed to him.

8.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was forced to cancel his appearance at a Philadelphia non-profit fundraiser because of illness.  ***  And because he realized Philadelphia is in another state.

9.        A U.S. Airways Express flight from Philadelphia to New York was cancelled after a disagreement on where a seeing eye guide dog should sit.  The flight attendant said it had to be under a seat in the passenger section.  ***  But the pilot said he needed his dog with him up in the cockpit.

10.     Joe Biden’s Chief of Staff, Bruce Reed, has resigned   ***  Actually, he was fired for failing to get the Vice President on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Friday, November 15, 2013

Friday, Nov 15, 2013

1.        Joe Biden’s Chief of Staff, Bruce Reed, has resigned.  His duties included supporting Mr. Biden’s role in critical legislation, scheduling all the people who wanted to meet with the Vice President, and responding to invitations to important international events.   ***  In other words, he had absolutely nothing to do.

2.        A North Carolina man has been arrested for trying to join a Middle-East military group linked to al-Qaida.  ***   Actually, that was one of the insurance options on the Obamacare website.

3.        A Philadelphia fundraiser was postponed after New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had to cancel his appearance due to illness, and the food that was to have been served will be donated to charity.  ***  And that’s a lot of food.

4.        Kentucky’s state-run Obamacare marketplace has detailed records of who has signed up for healthcare coverage, and it shows that a large percentage of the enrollees are young women.   ***   Actually, they thought they were registering on “meet-a-rich-doctor-dot-com.”

5.        The Vatican is launching a new magazine that is entirely in Latin, but it only comes out twice a year.   ***   That’s because it takes the reader six months to translate it.

6.        The senior class president at Northwest Christian University in Oregon has revealed that he doesn’t believe in God.   ***  Wow—that’s like the class president at Trump University saying he doesn’t believe in money.

7.        British immigration officials embarrassed themselves by raiding a valid wedding that they thought was a sham to get around immigration laws.   ***   Hey, if they really want to learn how to identify weddings that are a complete sham, they should come to Hollywood.

8.        The Vatican has launched a new magazine that’s written entirely in Latin.  ***   You know, Playboy did that a few years ago but nobody noticed.

9.        The Federal Aviation Administration says it will be quite a while before drones are widely approved for flights over the United States because of controversy over their  proper use.  ***   For example, some people want to make sure that the President will not authorize drone strikes against members of Congress…while other people want to make sure that he will.

10.     In Japan, a novice lawmaker was widely criticized for handing a letter directly to the Emperor, which is a violation of established protocol.  ***   Here in the United States, we also have a very specific protocol for that sort of thing:  The Congressman e-mails the message to a friend, then the NSA intercepts it and sends it to the White House.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Friday, Nov 8, 2013

1.        Tony Trenkle, the White House official responsible for overseeing development of the Obamacare website, has resigned.  ***  But, I think the Obamacare program will make sure he continues to get paid even though his incompetency was a pre-existing condition.

2.        In an interview on “20/20,” former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice showed remorse for the behavior that got him fired:  Yelling at players, screaming obscenities, shoving them and calling them names.   ***  In other words, just the kind of guy we’d like to see managing the programmers who created the Obamacare website.

3.        India has just launched a spacecraft on a mission to Mars.  ***  Pakistan also launched a spacecraft, but theirs is the low-cost version.  They just strapped a booster rocket onto a captured Predator Drone.

4.        A lot of shoppers are saying that K-Mart is being unfair to its employees by planning to stay open all day on Thanksgiving without shutting down for dinner, and they are threatening a nationwide Thanksgiving Day boycott.   ***   Unless the discounts are really, really good.

5.        A terrorist suspect leaving a mosque in London was able to slip by police by dressing as a woman wearing a burqa.    ***   But he really fooled police into thinking he was a woman by stopping to ask for directions.

6.        A New York University student was rescued after being trapped in a small space between two buildings for two days.  Friends of the student, who was originally from Nigeria, don’t know how he ended up in that remote area.  ***   He was probably delivering gold bars to helpful Internet users.

7.        I was surprised to learn that there’s a matador school in France that has trained 1,000 boys in the art of bullfighting.  ***  You can always tell the French matadors—they’re the ones waving the white cape.

8.        Kanye West put his tour on hold after some key equipment was damaged in a truck crash.  ***  Speaking of accidents, I wonder if he’s also going to put the tour on hold after his relationship with Kim Kardashian turns into a train wreck.

9.        In a recent court filing, 85 members of Congress urged the Supreme Court to clarify its position regarding public prayer.  They said that previous rulings have “confused the lower courts and baffled the public.”  ***  And if anyone knows about baffling the public, it’s Congress.

10.     This week Pope Francis made an unannounced visit to the tomb of Pope John Paul II.   ***   Of course it was unannounced. Call me impolite, but I don’t think you need to call ahead when the guy is dead.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Friday, Nov 1, 2013

1.        The Kardashians took over the Magic Mountain theme park in California for Kendall Jenner’s 18th birthday party.   ***   But Bruce Jenner was late because he went to the wrong place; he thought “Magic Mountain” was his plastic surgeon’s office.

2.        Vice President Joe Biden apologized for problems with the Obamacare web site and admitted that he is not a “technology geek.”   ***  Although he did say that back in his younger days he was a wizard with the rotary dial phone.

3.        The Obamacare web site had another outage earlier this week.  ***  I think the Death Panel just decided to pull the plug.

4.        Kanye West says the wedding ceremony with Kim Kardashian will be extravagant and he hinted it could even involve “fighter jets.”   ***   Fighter jets?  You know, I think it’s bad enough when married couples have knives.

5.        The city council in Washington D.C. is considering decriminalizing  marijuana.  ***  If Congress starts smoking pot, they’re going to establish three options for all future votes:  Yea, Nay, and Whatever.

6.        The American Academy of Pediatrics says that children should spend no more than two hours per day on Facebook, Twitter and other Internet entertainment sites.  ***   The Academy also said that adults should spend no more than two hours per day on the computer trying to register for Obamacare.

7.        The White House brought in experts to fix the Obamacare web site.  ***  But, they found it was easier to just let people buy the insurance coverage on the Home Shopping Network.  Problem solved!

8.        In Racine, Wisconsin a woman was kicked out of a Marriott Hotel that she had been living in for 9 years because she ran up $28,000 in unpaid bills.   ***  She’s now looking for another place to stay, but even Motel 6 turned off the light.

9.        A high school cheerleader in Georgia recently set a new world record by doing 44 consecutive handsprings.   ***   However, her record was immediately broken when President Obama did 50 backflips after Congress raised the debt ceiling.

10.     Leaders of more and more countries are calling President Obama to complain about revelations that the NSA has been spying on them.   ***  So, the automated switchboard at the White House now answers this way: “Thank you for your call regarding our NSA spying program.  The president is currently busy apologizing to other countries.  Please stay on the line. Your demand for an apology will be answered in the order it was received.”

Friday, October 25, 2013

Friday, Oct 25, 2013

1.        Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are engaged.  ***  And they want to have the wedding real soon so the engagement won’t be longer than the marriage.

2.        In a recent poll, 86% of Americans said they do not approve of the job that Congress is doing.  ***  Obviously the other 14% didn’t understand the question.

3.        A woman fainted during President Obama’s Rose Garden speech on Affordable Health Care.  ***  Well, they call it “fainting.”  I call it “sticker shock.”

4.        Speaking in the White House Rose Garden, President Obama said that there was a “massive demand” for his Affordable Health Care program, based on 20 million people visiting the web site.   ***   Hey, millions of people have visited Alcatraz; that doesn’t mean they want to move in.

5.        Three Americans have won the Nobel Prize in Economics.   ***   Which is like giving the Nobel Peace Prize to the Somali pirates.

6.        Appearing on the TV talk show “This Week,” Nancy Pelosi said that the glitches in the rollout of Obamacare were “unacceptable.”  ***  She was referring to the fact that the system wouldn’t let her register for Botox treatments.

7.        Four Somali pirates have been sentenced to 7 years in prison in Kenya.   ***  That might not seem like much, but every evening they’ll be required to watch the movie “Captain Phillips.”

8.        Both of the two top candidates for mayor of New York City are in favor of banning horse-drawn carriages.   ***  So, just like everywhere else in the U.S., people wishing to be taken for a ride will need to contact their Congressman.

9.        According to a Pew Research Center study of people who tried on-line dating, 23 percent have entered into a long term relationship or gotten married.  ***  The other 77 percent were already married.

10.     The plans for Mitt Romney’s new house in Utah show a hidden room that is accessed through a swivel bookcase in the library.   *** 

Former President Clinton said:  “That’s a great idea.  When I build a new house I’m going to make sure the budget includes a hidden room off the library where I can have an affair.”

Former President Carter said:  “What’s an affair?”

Former President Bush said:    “What’s a library?”

President Obama said:  “What’s a budget?”

Friday, October 11, 2013

Friday, Oct 11, 2013

1.      The science fiction movie “Gravity” was tops at the box office last weekend, although it has been criticized for having several technical inaccuracies.  ***  For example, George Clooney was not followed into space by the paparazzi.

2.      A German bishop was forced to resign after it was found that his new residence was costing $42 million to build, six times the original estimate.   ***  He’s now hoping to relocate to the United States and get a job as a defense contractor.

3.      Eight members of Congress were arrested during a rally near the Capitol Building.   ***   OK, that’s 8 down, 527 to go.

4.      Eight members of Congress were arrested during a rally near the Capitol Building.   ***  They were charged with “crowding, obstructing and incommoding.”   ***   “Incommoding”?   I think that’s when you try to put the whole country in the toilet.

5.      They’ve just announced the winner of the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.  ***   It has been awarded posthumously to Walter White.

6.      In a TV interview rapper Fifty Cent revealed that his best friend is his grandmother.   ***  And Fifty Cent’s biggest enemy?  Inflation.  (It makes him feel worthless.)

7.      Congratulations to Professors James Rothman (at Yale), Randy Schekman (at the University of California) and Thomas Suedhof (at Sanford), who just won the Nobel Prize in Medicine. ***  They received the award for being the first people to figure out how to register for Obamacare.

8.      The Pentagon says it is recalling more than 300,000 civilian employees who were furloughed as part of the government shutdown. *** It also promised to pay for their therapy to deal with depression after having been called “non-essential.”

9.      Last Monday marked 100 years since Henry Ford set up the world’s first assembly line, which reduced assembly time from 12 1/2 hours to just 93 minutes.  ***   And Tuesday marked 100 years since the first automobile recall.

10.    NBC is coming out with a new reality show called “Space Race,” in which the winner will get a ride into outer space next year on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic.  An NBC representative said, “This will be a remarkable experience for anyone who has...dared to dream of space flight.”  ***  Or anyone who’s just sick and tired of what’s happening on earth.