Friday, May 30, 2014

Friday, May 30, 2014

1.        According to a recent survey, Justin Bieber is the fifth most hated man in America, just behind Conrad Murray (Michael Jackson’s doctor) and just ahead of Phil Spector (song writer and convicted murderer).  ***   But, people do admire the way Mr. Bieber is trying so hard to work his way up the list.

2.        The NSA has released a 2013 internal e-mail from Edward Snowden asking if presidential executive orders have precedence over congressional statutes.  ***  I believe he asked the same question in Russia and Vladimir Putin’s response was, “Well, duh!”

3.        According to a recent Gallup poll, half the people in Illinois said they would leave the state if they could.   ***  The other half already left, but they’re still on the Chicago voter rolls.

4.        In an effort to reduce pollution, the Chinese government plans to take 6 million older vehicles off the road, although they’re not sure how to do that.  ***  Michigan, for example, does it with potholes.

5.        German researchers have developed a device that lets pilots fly a plane by brainwaves.  ***  Airline pilots are upset because it means they’ll have to stay awake.

6.        Google is designing a driverless car that doesn’t even have a steering wheel.   ***  Of course, in today’s cars a steering wheel is a necessity.  It’s where drivers rest their cell phone while texting.

7.        The United States is skeptical about Nigerian claims that the 300 abducted school girls have been located.  ***  However, just to be safe, American officials have e-mailed the requested bank account numbers and passwords to a Nigerian prince in hopes of freeing the children and also receiving a promised shipment of gold bars.

8.        Dozens of protestors at McDonald’s annual shareholders meeting were arrested after complaining that the minimum wage does not cover basic living expenses.  ***  Now they’re complaining that it doesn’t cover bail.

9.        The CEO of Levi Jeans says that washing jeans wears them out, and to keep them smelling fresh he recommends just freezing them.   ***   Although he admits that putting them on in the morning is quite a shock to his private parts.

10.     The White House accidentally disclosed the name of the CIA’s top man in Afghanistan.   ***  Fortunately, the Taliban have ignored the information because it did not come from a credible source.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Friday, May 23, 2014

1.        The New Jersey state assembly passed a gun control bill and is sending it to Governor Chris Christie for his signature.   ***  The Governor is expected to approve the measure, which limits weapons to non-automatic rifles, pistols with small-capacity magazines and orange traffic cones.

2.        Office Depot is recalling 1.4 million chairs because a broken weld could cause the seat to fall off. ***  And in extreme cases, the office worker sitting in the chair might actually wake up.

3.        Security forces at an Air Force base in Montana failed a simulated exercise in which a nuclear missile silo had been seized.   ***  Officials were unhappy with the base’s emergency response, which was, “Call Jack Bauer.”

4.        Republicans are complaining that the designation of a half million acres near the Mexico border as a national park will weaken security efforts.  ***  But Democrats point out that illegal immigrants, drug smugglers and human traffickers who cross the border at that point will now have to pay an annual park fee.

5.        The principal of a Catholic elementary school in Philadelphia has apologized for using a photo of Ellen DeGeneres on invitations to the school’s graduation dance.   ***   She said that Ellen is a poor role model and might encourage improper behavior—you know, like having a dance at an elementary school.

6.        China and Russia have signed a 30-year natural gas deal worth $400 billion.  ***  Russia has agreed to sell the gas at market prices and China has agreed not to laugh at pictures of Vladimir Putin riding horses bare-chested.

7.        Officials in Brazil are trying to reassure World Cup soccer fans that all major airports will be operational even though some of the upgrades are not complete.   ***  For example, arriving passengers will still need to use the emergency slides for de-planing. (And instead of luggage carousels, workers will take the bags off the plane and carry them around in circles.)

8.        A Mississippi man has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for mailing a letter laced with poison to President Obama.  ***  Plus one additional year for insufficient postage.

9.        The top movie at the box office this weekend was the terrifying monster film “Godzilla.”   ***  But, it wasn’t nearly as scary as the new movie about falling home prices, “God-Zillow.”

10.     A 102 year old woman was given spin around the Indianapolis 500 racetrack by Mario Andretti at 180 mile per hour.  Afterwards, she said she wanted to hit 200.  *** I’m not sure if she was talking about the speed or her age.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Friday, Mar 16, 2014

1.        A new anti-depressant has been found to suppress levels of a protein associated with Alzheimer’s.  ***  It might not help you remember things, but it will make you happy that you forgot.

2.        After Casey Kasem’s wife said she took the former disc jockey out of the country for medical care, a judge demanded that she disclose his whereabouts.  ***  Or at least the Top 40 possible locations.

3.        Former “Top 40” DJ Casey Kasem has now been found in Washington State, and there were rumors that he had been on an Indian reservation.  ***  I believe he was heard on the tribal radio station saying, “And climbing up the charts at number five is the latest rain dance by the Apaches…”

4.        According to a recent survey, the country’s rudest drivers are in Houston, Texas, while the friendliest drivers are in Portland, Oregon.  ***  Like Houston, the drivers in Portland also speed, tailgate, cut others off and slam on their brakes… but they do it with a smile. 

5.        Justin Bieber is being investigated by Los Angeles police after reports that he grabbed a woman’s cell phone because she took his picture.  ***  After further investigation, it was found that he took her phone because she didn’t take his picture. 

6.        Alec Baldwin was arrested in New York City for riding his bike in the wrong direction on a one-way street and for acting in a violent, threatening manner toward police.   ***  Just goes to show—you should never interrupt people who are on their way to an anger management class.

7.        This week headlines in an Iranian newspaper read, “America’s nightmare has become a reality.” The story described how Iran had duplicated an American drone with bombing capability.  ***   Oh, thank goodness.  I was afraid they were going to say the Kardashians had taken over the White House.

8.        A study by Stanford University shows that transfusion of blood from younger people can reverse signs of aging in seniors.  ***  But, there are disturbing side effects, including tattoos, body piercings and excessive use of the word “dude.”

9.        The U.S. military plans to destroy $1.2 billion worth of ammunition because, due to weak inventory tracking, they aren’t sure it’s still usable.   ***  In fact, they have an entire warehouse full of arrows, spears and musket balls.

10.     General Motors is recalling 50,000 SUV’s with faulty fuel gages.  ***  It’s actually a special kind of gage that tells you many more miles you can drive before the next recall.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Friday, May 2, 2014

1.        Walmart has announced it will start offering auto insurance.  ***   Coverage and rates will be competitive with other providers, but to file a claim you have to go to China.

2.        Researchers at IBM have developed a new computer named “Debater” that can argue.   ***   It’s very powerful, but every day they have to convince it to turn on.

3.        Today is “National Honesty Day.”  ***  Actually, it was Monday, but since it’s not today, I can say it is.

4.        Al Feldstein, the man who catapulted Mad magazine into an icon of pop culture, has died at the age of 88.  ***  But Mad magazine is no longer the leader in published cynicism, satire and slapstick.  For that, we now have the Congressional Record.

5.        In a speech to the National Rifle Association, Sarah Palin said that if she were president she would baptize terrorists by waterboarding them.  ***   However, she said their godparents could attend and afterwards there would be a nice cake and ice cream reception.

6.        More than 100 attendees at a food safety summit in Maryland came down with food poisoning.  ***  We haven’t seen that kind of irony since 100 women got pregnant at a Planned Parenthood convention.

7.        Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda has been suspended for ten games for using a foreign substance to help him grip the ball better.  ***  Apparently the illegal use of sticky material is fairly common, but you know things are getting out of hand when the umpire has to send a Haz-Mat truck to the mound.

8.        After Paul Simon and his wife were each given a misdemeanor summons for domestic violence, they separated by one of them leaving the courtroom first and going to a different location.   ***  OK, that makes 51 ways.

9.        A new machine called the “Pothole Killer” can be operated by one man and can fill a pothole with special patching material in 2 minutes.  Doing it the old way, it would take four workers to fill a pothole.  ***  Or maybe five if they were small and the hole was deep.

10.     Because some specialized Lego sets now cost several hundred dollars, an entrepreneur in California has started a Netflix-type business that lets you rent a set.  ***  And for an extra fee, they’ll also mail you a kid to assemble it.