Friday, April 28, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 28, 2017

1.   According to New York dermatologist Francesca Fusco, sleeping with your hair in a bun can lead to hair loss.  ***   Also, it leaves a lot of crumbs in your bed.

2.   North Korea has released a propaganda video that shows the White House in cross-hairs, then coming under attack.   ***   Of course, that’s all bluster. If they were really serious, the target would have been Mar-a-Lago.

3.   Nordstrom’s is selling jeans with fake mud for $425.   ***   Wow—I can’t imagine what the price would be if they had real mud.

4.   In an amazing discovery, two Harvard researchers have found a second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence in a records office in England.  ***   They say it was stored in a file cabinet, right next to the second set of stone tablets with the Ten Commandments.

5.   An article on lists the six dirtiest items in a hotel room.  ***  Number one dirtiest item:  The pay-per-view TV movies.

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 28, 1958 – Great Britain performs an atmospheric nuclear test at Christmas Island.   ***  Or what is now known as the spot in the ocean previously occupied by Christmas Island.

7.   On this date in history:  April 27, 1861 – West Virginia secedes from Virginia.   ***  Yes, Virginia, there is a Secession Clause.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1986 – Arnold Schwarzenegger weds newscaster Maria Shriver  ***  Ms. Shriver loved Arnold’s marriage vows, especially the part where he promised to hire a maid.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1719Daniel Defoe publishes "Robinson Crusoe," the tale of a man stranded on a tropical island.  ***  I believe his was the version without the soccer ball.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1969Paul McCartney says there is no truth to the rumors that he is dead.  ***  He said he checked the obituaries just to make sure.

Friday, April 21, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 21, 2017

1.   A study in the journal “Immunity” indicates that chemicals found in frogs can prevent humans from getting the flu.  ***  So, you can avoid all those nasty flu symptoms, but you’ll tend to hop around a lot and eat flies.

2.   According to a recent study, diet sodas can increase the risk of dementia.  ***   They’re like a miracle drink--not only do they help you get skinny, but they’ll also make you forget that you were ever fat.

3.   Amid increasing threats from North Korea, Vice President Mike Pence visited Tokyo and assured the Japanese people, “We are with you 100%.”    ***   “Or at least 70 to 80% if it’s a long holiday weekend at Mar-a-Lago.”

4.   In her upcoming memoirs, Caitlyn Jenner discloses that she has undergone gender re-assignment surgery.   ***  The former decathlon athlete doesn’t give complete details but says she can now clear 6 more inches in the pole vault.

5.   North Korea’s “Day of the Sun” parade this past weekend included an impressive display of ICBM missiles with an obvious intent to intimidate the U.S.  ***   That’s OK—In our next Fourth of July parade they’ll see that we’re fully prepared to respond to any military threat with a vast army of Shriners driving miniature cars.

6.   On this date in history:  April 21, 1913 – Gideon Sundback of Sweden patents the zipper to replace buttons.  ***  He invented it out of desperation while suffering from a weak bladder. 

7.   On this date in history:  April 20, 1944 – The NFL legalizes coaching from the bench.   ***  However, the league continued to ban Monday morning quarterbacking.

8.   On this date in history:  April 19, 1775 – The Revolutionary War begins in Lexington Common with the “shot heard round the world."  ***  According to news reports at the time, authorities didn’t know who started the fight but are looking for “a guy with a really loud gun.”

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1994  Roseanne Barr files for divorce from Tom Arnold.  ***  Apparently, Mr. Arnold failed his Barr exam.

10.  On this date in history:  April 17, 1937Cartoon characters Daffy Duck, Elmer J Fudd and Petunia Pig make their debut.  ***   They were the strangest characters ever introduced to the public in a non-election year. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 14, 2017

1.   A study by Rice University says that lonely people tend to have more severe cold symptoms.  ***   What a shame—not only do they feel worse, but they don’t have anyone to complain to.

2.   A high school student in Alabama is not being allowed to take his beloved grandmother to the senior prom because of the school’s concerns over alcohol and safety issues.   ***  And because it’s been almost a month since she died.

3.   MTV announced it is reviving the reality show “Fear Factor,” in which contestants face scary challenges such as eating sheep eyes, crawling through a nest of tarantulas   ***   or being overbooked on a United flight.

4.   On an episode of the “Today” show, Jenna Bush Hager inadvertently mentioned that her grandmother, former first lady Barbara Bush, is missing a toe on each foot.   ***   She said the family became aware of the condition when Mrs. Bush had difficulty counting to 20.

5.   Chick-fil-A announced that it is teaching people at all its restaurants to say “please” and “thank you.”  ***  And as soon as the customers are all trained they’ll start on the employees.

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 14, 1912The Titanic strikes an iceberg off the coast of Nova Scotia and begins sinking.  ***   On the positive side, the buffet line suddenly got shorter.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1940In the second battle of Narvik, eight German destroyers are destroyed.   ***  Wouldn’t that make them “destroyees”?

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1877A baseball catcher wore a mask for the first time.  ***  It wasn’t for protection—he was just playing poorly.

9.   On this date in history:  April 11, 1900 – The U.S. Navy's first submarine makes its debut.  ***  It was fairly low-tech—when it submerged, all the crewmen had to hold their breath.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1924Tubular steel golf club shafts are approved for championship play.  ***   The steel shafts give increased distance, improved ball control and a more satisfying feel when you wrap them around a tree.

Friday, April 7, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 7, 2017

1.   New York’s Eleven Madison Park has just been selected as the best restaurant in the world; its signature dish is “celery root cooked in pig bladder.”  ***  You don’t eat it—you just order it when you want to cast an evil spell on someone.

2.   Pope Francis said that when the people of Chicago fight violence with a “Walk for Peace” on Good Friday his thoughts and prayers will be with them, but he’ll be making his own “Way of the Cross” that day in Rome,   ***  where it’s safer.

3.   Mercedes-Benz pulled its ads from Fox News after revelations that claims of Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment resulted in multi-million dollar payouts.  ***   The auto company said it felt betrayed and believes that settlements of that sort should always include a Mercedes.

4.   Saudi Arabia is now hosting an extravagant beauty pageant for camels, with millions of dollars in prize money.  ***  The competition is fierce--already several contestants have been disqualified for having padded humps.

5.   Crayola announced that its “Dandelion” crayon color will be replaced by “something from the blue family,” and the public is being asked to name the new color.  ***  So far, the only suggestions have been “Whatever,” “Yeah Sure” and “Who Cares.”

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 7, 1954President Dwight Eisenhower fears a "domino-effect" among the countries in Indo-China.  ***  He was concerned that if one country started playing dominos they’d all start playing dominos. 

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 6, 1992Public voting begins to select the Elvis postage stamp.   ***   It was the only stamp ever printed on black velvet.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 5, 1887Anne Sullivan teaches "water" to Helen Keller.   ***  Fortunately, Miss Keller did not live in Flint.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 4, 1972 – Operations begin at the first electric power plant fueled by garbage.  ***  The electricity was cheap, but whenever anyone turned on a light the smell was unbearable.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 3, 1043 – “Edward the Confessor” is crowned king of England   ***  In his coronation speech he spent two hours admitting to all the things he had done wrong.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 31, 2017

1.   Charo lashed out at the judges on “Dancing with the Stars” for the low scores they gave her.  ***  She said they obviously didn’t give her full credit for her flashy dance moves, her sparkling personality and her eight historic appearances on Love Boat.

2.   President Trump’s daughter Ivanka is officially joining the administration as a “special advisor to the president” instead of just an “informal advisor.”  ***  In that former role, when she gave advice she had to wear fashions from her casual line.

3.   Two men were arrested for smuggling after authorities at JFK Airport found $1 million of heroin in the false bottom of a dog’s shipping crate.  ***  Perhaps they shouldn’t have left a note saying the dog answers to the name “Smack.”

4.   In an upcoming episode of “Kevin Can Wait,” former “King of Queens” co-stars Lea Remini and Kevin James will reunite as two cops on an undercover assignment.  ***  They’re going to investigate either the Church of Scientology or a donut shop.

5.   Video game seller GameStop announced that it will soon be closing at least 100 stores.  ***   The company just hasn’t been successful with its strategy of offering a one-stop shop for video games and carpel tunnel surgery.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 31, 1917 – The U.S. purchases Danish West Indies for $25 million and then renames them the Virgin Islands.  ***   Apparently the Danes knew the islands before they were virgin.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 30, 1992 – The Academy Award for Best Picture goes to “Silence of the Lambs.”  ***  Mary was pleased.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 29, 1882 – The Knights of Columbus, an organization for Catholic men, is established.  ***  It was followed by the Knights of Cleveland and then the Knights of Cincinnati.   

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 28, 1866 – The first horse-drawn ambulance goes into service.   ***   It was very successful, although it took a while to teach the horses how to make that siren sound.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 27, 1513Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León sights Florida.  ***  His first impression was recorded in the ship’s log: “Hey, what’s with all the old people?”