News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 28, 2020

 

1.   Microsoft and Walmart are partnering to buy the popular networking platform Tik Tok.   ***   In anticipation of a successful bid, Walmart is already designing its latest footwear fashion—the Tik Tok Flip Flop, and Microsoft has begun designing help desks for Aisle 3.

 

2.   Although Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican Convention was generally felt to be well delivered, some people were very critical regarding the military-looking outfit that she wore.  ***  They pointed out that it took TWO belt buckles to cinch her waist that tight.

 

3.   A federal appeals court has upheld a New York limit of 50 people at weddings, which is upsetting a lot of people because now they can’t invite all their relatives.   ***  Heck, with a max of 50 people, there are some places where the grooms wouldn’t even be able to invite all their wives. 

 

4.   Lori Loughlin and her husband were fined and sentenced to 2 and 5 months in prison for paying bribes of $500,000 just to get their two daughters into USC.    Ironically, they paid even more than that in legal fees just to get themselves into jail.

 

5.   A very expensive blackboard chalk, Hagoromo Fulltouch, reportedly has a cult-like following among mathematicians because of its smooth writing feel, resistance to breakage, and low dust factor.   ***   That’s fine for math professors, but English teachers won’t endorse it until every stick of chalk has built-in Spellcheck.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 21, 2020

 

1.   Taco Bell announced that future restaurants will have smaller dining areas, but will feature a second drive-thru lane dedicated to pick-up orders made on its "Go Mobile" app.  ***  And, in response to numerous calls regarding potential employment, the company confirmed that it will hold a job fair early next year, and it will be within convenient walking distance of the South Lawn.

 

2.   After numerous driver reports of the 2020 Corvette’s front hood flying open, General Motors has halted deliveries of the new model until a fix can be implemented.  Electronic engineers plan to re-program the button-actuated hood release and also limit vehicle speed to 26 mph if the hood is not completely latched.  ***  The mechanical engineers, however, are still pushing for a really heavy hood ornament.

 

3.   According to “Good Morning America,” the “Golden Girls” house in Brentwood, California that was used for the TV show’s exterior shots has been purchased for $4 million ($1 million over the asking price) by “a local family who specifically loved its architecture and location.”  ***  And the amazing high tech lighting system that can be turned on or off just by clapping your hands twice.

 

4.   Claiming that tourists have gotten heavier over the past ten years, the Venice Gondola Association has lowered the maximum capacity from six passengers to five.   ***  Also, couples will no longer be allowed to stand up and re-enact Kate and Leo’s bow pose from “Titanic.”

 

5.   To minimize the spread of Covid-19, Canada has extended the ban on tourists from the United States through late September, and a recent survey showed that 80% of Canadians actually want American visitors to be kept out until 2021.  *** That’s up from 75% just one year ago.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 14, 2020

 

1.     Scientists in Malaysia are trying to save the rare Sumatran Rhino from extinction using cloning technology and cells from three old rhinos that recently died.  ***   Initial results are promising, although every afternoon the new rhinos go for a short walk, take a nap, and then wake up and ask, “What time is bingo?”

 

2.     Singer Trini Lopez, who gained fame with songs like “If I Had a Hammer,” has died at the age of 83.   ***   Sadly, his retirement was not a peaceful one; he was often cited for violating subdivision noise covenants by repeatedly hammering, bell ringing, and singing in the very early morning and late evening hours.

 

3.     Michigan authorities reported 6 confirmed cougar sightings this year.  ***   That news was quite a surprise since a) bars were closed for much of the year due to Covid, and b) older age groups are especially vulnerable.

 

4.     Last week federal agents in Arizona discovered a 1,300 foot tunnel running under the U.S.-Mexico border, and an official said it “appears to be the most sophisticated tunnel in U.S. history.”    ***   He said it featured valet parking, a Starbucks at each end, a health spa at the mid-point, and free wi-fi.

 

5.     In Atlanta, two passengers were forced off a commercial flight just before takeoff because they refused to wear facemasks.  ***  An airline spokesman said the policy will continue to be strictly enforced, and expects compliance will improve when they start conducting the mandatory face mask check immediately after takeoff.  

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 7, 2020

 

1.   In Home Depot’s plumbing section today I was impressed at the new toilet designs, including one that claimed, “Flushes a bucket of golf balls in a single flush.”  *** OK, great, but how do I get rid of my clubs?

 

2.   In her podcast yesterday, former first lady Michelle Obama revealed that she’s suffering from a “low-grade depression.”  ***  I hear that some people avoid that by paying someone to take the test for them.

 

3.   In a museum in Passagno, Italy, a tourist accidentally broke three toes off a priceless statue when he jumped up onto the base and asked his wife to take his photo.   ***   After police tracked them down using info in the museum registry, the woman confessed that her husband was the culprit and she should have stopped him as soon as he said, “Here…hold my beer.”

 

4.   In a mission contracted to SpaceX, two NASA astronauts returning from the space station made a splashdown-type landing in the Gulf of Mexico, where they were immediately met by rescue boats and crews that helped them exit their capsule.   ***   To further reduce costs, SpaceX announced that in future splashdowns the astronauts will remain in their capsule and rely on ocean currents to eventually carry them to the Florida coast, at which point rescue crews will quickly wade out and get them.