News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Feb 28, 2020

1.   According to the “Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs,” a woman recently ingested an amount of LSD equivalent to 550 recreational doses and she not only survived, but found that her lifelong foot pain was dramatically reduced.  ***  However, after taking the drug she did behave a bit erratically and is now trying to figure out what to do with over 2,000 tie-dyed T-shirts.

2.   Shares of Tupperware Inc. tumbled 43% and hit a record low after the company announced it is investigating reports of accounting irregularities.   ***  Hmmmm, sounds like someone’s been burping the books.

3.   The Russo & Steele auction company has just canceled its classic car auction scheduled for Florida’s Amelia Island next month, and a company spokesman explained that the site is “too marshy and there are problems with snakes.”  ***  Hey guys, so is Washington D.C., but somehow people there still manage to sell things to the highest bidder.

4.   According to the “Journal of the American Medical Association,” in a 2006 survey only 0.4% of seniors over 65 said they had used marijuana products in the past 12 months, while in a 2018 survey that number jumped to 4.2%.  ***  Researchers said the data confirms a very surprising trend: Seniors are becoming more and more honest.  

5.   Sharon Osborne recently changed her hair color and several reporters commented that she is “not recognizable with bright white hair.”   ***  Of course, she’d be totally unrecognizable if she was seen with a bright husband.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Feb 21, 2020

1.   A ten-year University of Missouri study of nearly 6,000 people showed that those who played golf lived significantly longer.  ***  After those findings were announced, thousands of ecstatic Trump supporters were dancing in the streets, shouting, “Hooray!  Hooray!  He’s gonna live FOREVER!”

2.   In an MSNBC interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci claimed that President Trump thinks he’s a king.  ***  White House officials vigorously denied that accusation, although they did admit that Mr. Trump recently panicked when he overheard a TV weather reporter saying, “We expect the rain to end soon.”

3.   A few days ago, 10,000 men In Okayama, Japan stripped down for the annual Hadaka Matsuri, or “Naked Festival.”  ***   Or, to paraphrase Hans Christian Anderson, “The Empire Has No Clothes.”

4.   In a Walmart parking lot in Peachtree City, Georgia, a man tripped up a fleeing thief by shoving a grocery cart into his path.   ***   According to several witnesses, the thief had almost gotten away by the time the hero finally found a cart without a rattling wheel.

5.   In announcing Kellogg’s launch of its “Incogmeato” brand of plant-based burgers, bratwurst and Italian sausage, a company official said, “These products were designed to look, cook and smell just like beef.”  ***  In fact, to emphasize the similarity to real beef, the first commercial will feature Tony the Tiger saying, “They’re GRRRREASY!”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Feb 14, 2020

1.   A British writer, Ellen Scott, recently coined the term “Valentighting,” which she says is “the heartbreaking act of dumping someone right before Valentine’s Day because you’re too much of a tightwad to buy them a gift.”  ***  How sad (sniff, sniff)…think of all the beautiful relationships that could have been saved if only the guy had found a really good coupon.

2.   To help identify and delete “fake news,” Facebook announced it will be using news agency Reuters to fact-check posted content.   ***   In a sternly-worded message, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg warned that seniors claiming to have the world’s most beautiful grandchildren better have proof.

3.   Queen Elizabeth recently gave Prince William, the Duke of Cornwall, the additional title of “Lord High Commissioner to the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland.”   ***   She also told the royal staff to order extra-large name tags for the next Buckingham Palace meet-and-greet.

4.   Cindy Crawford’s son, Presley Gerber, just got a new face tattoo under his right eye, the word “MISUNDERSTOOD.”  ***  Actually, that was suggested by his publicist, who thought it would be better than Presley’s original choice, “LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.”

5.   A family is suing American Airlines after they were kicked off a recent flight following passenger complaints of offensive body odor.  ***  Meanwhile, Homeland Security announced it is reconsidering its plan to expand the TSA Pre-Check program with TSA Pre-Sniff.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Feb 7, 2020

1.   New federal data shows a dramatic increase in the number of students who are homeless.   ***  Sadly, researchers conducting the survey had to tell students that “home” is not the place you go to by clicking on the little icon in the shape of a house.

2.   Immediately after Prince Harry and Meghan stepped down from their royal duties, Queen Elizabeth took away their royal titles.  ***  In the past, that sort of thing required an official proclamation, but now she was able to just go to their Facebook page and click on “Unroyal.”

3.   John Roth, the mayor of Mahwah, New Jersey, has admitted to getting drunk at a staff party and then taking off his trousers and crawling into an employee's bed.  ***  Or, as they call it in New Jersey, “campaigning.”

4.   According to a recently filed lawsuit, the discredited self-help group Nxivm didn’t just lure clients into a “sex cult,” but also forced them into some sort of “pyramid scheme.”  ***  Gee, I bet that made the sex part somewhat difficult.   

5.   In South Africa, investigators discovered that the passenger who attacked three British Airways flight attendants and shattered glassware after being denied six Bloody Marys had been on her way to a rehab clinic.  ***  The pilot later apologized and said if he had known that’s where she was headed he would have dropped her off.